Wellllllll I did it. Literally. I thought being intimate after [L] was going to be this big scary anxiety inducing thing that I just was eventually going to have to deal with if I wanted to ever be “normal” again. So, in many ways I’ve treated it as such. I’ve been with a few people since him but never sober. Never ever sober. Until the other night. Honestly, it went well; but obviously this blog isn’t about my sex life so we’ll just leave it at that. What I wasn’t expecting was how I’ve felt since then. I keep thinking I’m doing better. My mental health team keeps saying they’re seeing improv ..read more

I’m sorry, and I’m not–Let me explain. I am sorry for all of the times he went back to you and hurt you more. I am sorry for all the times I let him and all the times I couldn’t stop him. I am sorry for all the fights where I literally said “Fuck it go back to [A]” and contributed to your broken heart. I’m sorry for all the times I was jealous and hurting and took it out on you (even though you didn’t know it). I am sorry for the times I put you down when talking to him because I thought that would help me feel better, I’m sorry for my insecurity. I am sorry for taking your friend from you eve ..read more

And then…. I’m in a domestic abuse trauma support group at the local womens shelter. I don’t belong here. Maybe everyone feels like their trauma is an anomoly. Maybe they all feel the same? There are two groups here. The lifers and the one timers…. We don’t see many people in the middle That’s the nature of the monster:  You get out at the first sign, or the first relationship,  or you’re in until you claw your way through the other side (….or you die. ) Trauma is trauma, Mental, physical, or emotional ABUSE IS ABUSE I will champion that until the day I die.  I am not here ..read more

1.  “I don’t want anything serious right now, I’m just having fun” 2.  “I thought you said it was over with her, I thought you said she knew” 3.  “You need to choose I’m not going to do this” 4.  “I love you” 5.  “Why would you say that, if you truly don’t mean it, why did you say it to hurt me” 6.  “I’m sorry, I love you” 7.  “It’s my birthday, just fucking come home with me, I’ve been sitting here for hours” 8.  “Happy fucking birthday to me” 9.  “You were with her last night, of all nights?” 10. “Go fuck yourself” 11. “I love you” 12. “Why would ..read more

[L]’s sentencing is a day I will never forget….. The day is carved into my brain to the point where I’ve thought about carving it into my body. Maybe on the other side of the finger that he already claimed….. Maybe it sounds melodramatic, and let’s be honest, it kind of is. But the only thing stopping me is I don’t know what it would mean to me yet. Is it a “death date”? Like when people tattoo their loved ones birthday and (I have no better way to say this right now, maybe I’m brain farting) death date on their body. He’s alive and contrary to what some believe I don’t wish him death. I wish ..read more

Stalking, Suicide Threats, and Another PFMA There are some events that happened between [L]’s 3rd and 4th arrest and I will eventually write about those but today is just not the day. After I admitted my mistakes and [L] was arrested the judge set his bail at over $100,000 (to keep things vague). He had broken not only the restraining order but also the terms of his original bail by contacting me. Apparently pissing off a judge by breaking your bond conditions is taken way more seriously than violating a restraining order or assaulting someone with a weapon in the first place. He made bail aft ..read more

[L] Promised not to kill himself. He didn’t demand I take him back directly but only asked that I be there for him. “[He] knew we couldn’t be together” but he “couldn’t bear to lose his best friend.” He needed me to help him through until he was whole again. He swore he was going to get treatment. He was going to be a better person. He was going to do all of the things we originally talked about. He was going back to [ANOTHER STATE] and he was going to fix himself until we could be together again. He was slowly worming his way back in. That lasted 2 weeks. He was in this other state for 2 week ..read more

The next morning was a Monday, my dad called me first at about 5am and I spilled my guts. I told him everything. I admitted my mistakes and begged for forgiveness and told him how afraid I was for my life. He listened, he was loving, but now that he knew; I knew there was no going back. I dropped my son off at preschool that morning and immediately went to the County Attorney’s office. I was there at 8am. I sat down with him and again cried and spilled my guts. I admitted every single mistake and begged him to help me, to save me, to keep me safe. I had been talking to [L] prior to going to th ..read more

So, I had a broken face. I had a broken heart. I had a concussion, PTSD (Slowly developing over time), and I was confused even after all that had happened. I loved him still. Yeah, this is generally the part where everything seems a little crazy…..How do you love a man you are terrified of? How do you miss someone who tried to kill you? How is it even minutely possible to think you can still help him, fix him, be with him? I tried to ignore these feelings. My doctors upped my anxiety medication, put me on a mood stabilizer that they believed could help with the up and down swings that came wit ..read more

Well, I haven’t written anything in about 2 weeks…. I gave someone the information to find my blog and haven’t written a word since. Go figure. Healing is such a dichotomy at times. One moment I want to tell a stranger my story. I want someone to know exactly what happened to me and what I lived through and how it changed who I am now… but I don’t want to tell my mom a single thing. Even now that she knows so much all I want to tell her is ”don’t worry, it’s over. I’m safe and that’s all you need to know”. I get caught up in my healing or in my feelings at times when I feel I can be vulnerable ..read more