I have been a rebel this afternoon and have ordered a take away and am sat in my comfy chair in the garden with the sun beaming down on me. This afternoon was my last day of term and what a year it has been to say the least. As i have written in the last few days, i have felt unsettled, the feeling of loss showed its self in its raw form and a lot of tears were shared. It made me recognise that  full on  snot crying fits have more breadth. They are not on the daily but  monthly occurrence but the thoughts that start them still have such clarity. Today was a training day at work ..read more

Sleep is something that i found difficult for years. I have been awake  since 4.30 due to my cat busting to want to go out. I decided to make a cup tea and open the back door and just sit. I can hear the birds tweeting and the odd car going past. Sitting still and listening are tasks that i like to do , to actually stop. As i look around my front room, i thought about the idea , that this  is it. Me alone in a house with a sleepy dog. That`s it. Work in particular makes my life more  busy and all of that ,can take me away from realities, however i do sit with the uncomfortable q ..read more

Right now and definitely in the past, i have felt like one. One area that i haven’t touched on this blog is motherhood. Myself and BB did not have children, but it was a deep  desire for me to be a mother. It has been and to some degree still is difficult to see others building relationships and having children , but the envious and jealousy still lingers. It hurts, that i won’t have the future that i dreamt of. Social media is full of gender reveals and pregnancy announcements and for some reasons they tend to find me. There are options today to have children whether that be biologically ..read more

Past, present and future Today has gone on forever. I was up early and sat in my new garden snuggle chair and reflected on time as different events have come to me over the past week. PAST I received a phone call this week that took me back to years ago. It was from an old friend and the topic of which i won’t reveal , made me think back about ten years ago when life was difficult and i couldn’t help after speaking to my friend go back over questions and thoughts that i had back then for BB in particular. Those questions are some that i will never get an answer to and that is sad and could eas ..read more

I feel nothing. I have spent most of the time today and previous days just  sitting and staring out to the garden. I cannot tell you what i think about, as i don’t know myself. I seem to very consistent in being in  and out of different emotions over the past month. I can be self reflective in a positive way and see how far i have come and can be pro active with getting daily chores or work completed. But the last week i have felt very reluctant to put my mind on something and see it through. I remain to find this experience so very isolating despite being on lockdown to some degree ..read more

I am writing this to you, on your birthday whilst sitting on your bench. Every time i come here, i place my fingers across your name that is engraved on it. Luckily i have got here early so i don’t look stupid. The sun is out and the wind is still. Today is your birthday. You would of been 43 yrs old. Your age didn’t bother you a lot as you always felt like you were Peter Pan and never got old with your good looks and young spirit. I was up early this morning like i have been for over 22 birthdays with you. You would be up early up in readiness for your gifts. You would always open presents b ..read more

BB`s birthday was on Friday (15th May). Leading upto last friday, i was thinking about what to do. I wanted to go to the bench and finally be able to sit on it. I also decided that i was going to cook a meal that we both loved. After a very emotional visit to the bench in the morning, i threw myself into gardening to occupy the day. In the evening, a few friends got together virtually to remember him. After i logged off, i dissolved into tears and my appetite was gone. The reason for tears was that i felt he was missing and once i was sat in the garden i felt another reality kicks to the face ..read more

I started to write this post on Friday evening then i became overwhelmed and stopped. I am picking this back up today, as my meaning behind it , is still valid to me. The title of this blog is one of my favourite songs from my most favourite band, Take That. I never thought that screaming it nice and loud at arenas would be such a truth to me now. After a week of feeling up and down , i have struggled to keep my tears in check. I feel very defeated and feel that i have been sucked back down the vortex of grief. I found myself crying when driving Putting up a pair of curtains, crying Laying in ..read more

Last night was quite the evening. I am not a drinker but last night i sat in tears with a glass or two. I was writing the start of a new post and then stopped due to a full snot cry developing. Sorry TMI Anyway i put my book down and just sat and looked out to the garden, i was thinking of BB with tears down my face and thought if people could see me now, what would they think. Before i went to bed i picked up my notebook and wrote ” Learn to be your own best friend” Typing this has made me hunch my shoulders and think oh god , that sounds corny. However ,last night like many many nights, it i ..read more

I could identify before BB got ill that i would find myself avoiding situations or indeed people. I never really knew why. I gained a lot of social anxiety in my late twenties and was not the most confident person and although every task or event was completed, i made a big deal over things and never knew why. Looking back i wonder if part of my emotional issues come from avoidance. As events during BB`s illness increased and they became serious. I avoided thinking that this would be the end result. I have never felt so positive and driven once we knew that BB was ready to go for assessment fo ..read more