It’s 4:36am on December 6th.... a date I’ve anxiously anticipated and silently dreaded for the last 365 days. When Mike died, I honestly didn’t see how I could make it 2 weeks much less 52. And yet life has continued on at the same pace as if nothing ever changed, and still everything changed. I have learned so much over the last year... Lessons I never wanted to learn. Yet these lessons have shaped me and influenced me. Day 364 - Dec 5th at 9:27am The Lord has opened so many doors for me over the last year... last night I spoke at a ladies Christmas dinner at a local Lutheran Church. It was ..read more

It’s Thanksgiving... my first one without Mike. I’m wrapping up all the “firsts” within the next few days, but I woke up this morning feeling thankful. Day 335 - Nov 2nd at 8:21am "...and yet, after all that life brings me, I know of only one thing that is for certain and it is that God is still faithful." Yes He is! ❤️ Day 339 - Nov 6th at 8:57am The injustice hit me yesterday that I haven’t felt for my wedding band in weeks. I had this habit of rubbing my wedding band with my thumb, but the habit is almost gone. The finger indention made from 15 years of wear is almost gone too. Today marks ..read more

"When the time is right, I, the Lord, will make it happen." Isaiah 60:22 Day 285 - Sept 12th at 4:39pm Michelle from One Fit Widow wrote: If you decide to love again I want you to know it can incredible. You know so much more, feel so much deeper, live with more intensity and love from a place not understood before loss. It's not the same, it's different, it's unique, it's scary and it's electric. Loving with eyes wide open, knowing the frail nature of our existence makes each moment that much more beautiful. If the right person comes along, take the chance, and enjoy the ride. Michelle ❤️ Da ..read more

For the first time in my life, I ate a piece of birthday cake in celebration of a life that isn't really here, I ran my first 5k, and I went to the movies alone to see a movie that I really wanted to see. And now, as another first, I will somehow condense the last 9 months of living without Mike into a 5 minute letter that I will read on Monday before a judge. Day 272 - Aug 30th at 10:06pm Maybe some day I'll do this grief thing with the grace that most people think I have..... but the daily inward struggle still reminds me otherwise. I cleaned out Mike's truck a few days ago... another activ ..read more

Today is my first day with students.... I think back to when I was a little girl and all I wanted to be was a teacher. Day 237 - July 26th at 8:03pm Some days you just have to buy your own flowers..... and that's ok. ❤️ Day 239 - July 28th at 7:37am Death brings so much unfairness with it. I can't tell you how many times I've thought, "This is so unfair!" over the last 7 months and 22 days. My former world was filled with much fairness and much justice. My current world isn't. When I see men wearing a wedding band, when I see daddy's having fun with their children, when I have to do a "man's ..read more

I'd rather be on an interstate where I can see what's coming, but the scenery is definitely better in the mountains. So I just continue down the road, praying that better days are just ahead...... Day 213 - July 2nd at 11:49am This was my grief devotional this morning..... it's so accurate and true. ***************************** Not only are your emotions unpredictable, but they may also seem uncontrollable. This changing nature combined with the intensity of the emotions can cause you to feel disoriented, forgetful, and overpowered. “There was this overwhelming feeling of being out of contro ..read more

Since Father's Day, I've struggled with pulling myself back up out of the grief funk. We had a wonderful vacation with my family and our close friends but sometimes it seems like the higher you're flying, the more distance there is to fall. Day 195 - June 15th at 6:54pm To say I'm dreading Father's Day would be an understatement. I debated on staying at the beach an extra day, just to avoid church on Sunday, but that's impossible since Abi is leaving for camp. I still have my father so it feels unfair that I have mine but my kids don't have theirs. I'm not sure what to do. Do we go to church ..read more

If you've ever wondered if it's possible to dread something and be excited about it at the same time, trust me.... it's possible. Day 182 - June 2nd at 8:03am I woke up this morning with the stark realization that I forgot to buy cupcakes for Annabelle's school party this morning. So I throw some clothes on to bust a move to the trusty grocery store, leaving instructions to the kids to get themselves ready for school, only to realize I left my purse on the porch all night long. I get to Fair Value and I purchase said cupcakes, along with 2 lovely geraniums for the porch, and quickly return ho ..read more

Who knew that your "lasts" would be just as heartbreaking as your "firsts"..... Day 171 - May 22nd at 7:21am Who knew that your "lasts" would be just as heartbreaking as your "firsts"..... Here's to a week full of "lasts." Day 172 - May 23rd at 7:03am For the first time time in forever ..... well, in 5 months and 2 weeks anyways, Annabelle asked if she could sleep in her own bed last night! I would like to thank the good Lord and His trusty servants, Jamie and Jessie, for making this possible!!!! #mamasleptgood #shallwegofor2? #Happycamper #nofeetinmyfacelastnight #itsgonnabeagoodday Day 173 ..read more

Over the last 5 months, God has given me hope. I've tied a knot in that "Hope Rope" and I'm hanging on as tight as my grip will allow. I have a hope that I'm not permanently damaged. Hope that I can do a good job raising my children. Hope that I can find love and be a wife again someday. Hope that the future will be brighter than the past.... Day 158 - May 9th at 7:11am My birthday is already off to a great start! My grief share friends surprised me with a cookie cake last night and this morning, my kids woke me up with bacon, eggs and Mickey waffles. They each gave me a special present that ..read more