Trigger Warning: Mentions of weight gain and loss, food, youth and body-shaming For years, the war on body shaming has got into the mouths of many conversationalists, however talking about body shaming is not enough to change the behaviour of the majority but at least it’s a start. Scientifically, we know that too much or too little of the wrong foods can play detriment to the human body, resulting in a never-ending list of ailments including heart attacks, vitamin deficiencies and strokes. However the label of ‘healthy’ has been attached to a UK size 6-10, and anything above or below is deem ..read more

5 years ago I sat in therapy and we spoke about and learnt about my relationship with my anorexia, which was powerful, so I thought id try and explain it today. I see my anorexia as a bubble. This bubble is safe from the world, its separate from the world. The bubble provides a kind of sanctuary for me – the real world cannot perforate it and therefore cannot touch me. Whenever the world gets scary, whenever I feel like I cannot understand, or work something out (two things that I really struggle with), I want to step into this bubble. The second I retreat into the bubble, I feel calm. I feel ..read more

 When I was 8, I was finally allowed to do the five minute walk down to the village on my own. My parents had given me the coolest LG slide up phone and sent me on my way with a tenner to buy some bread and some other groceries. Where I live isn’t classed as dodgy, but as I walked down the village, I remember a red car pulled up next to me and started driving at my walking pace. The man rolled down his window and told me I looked sexy and he wanted my phone number. Just to remind you, I was 8. I dropped the loaf of bread on the floor and ran all the way home, inconsolable as I didn’t ..read more

 Imagine you’re in lockdown… fairly easy as we all have been for the last few months. Now imagine its just you in lockdown… the whole rest of the world is allowed to keep going out, dong their thing, meeting friends, working, shopping, going to school etc etc. Kind of like you’re self-isolating. Now imagine that the self-isolation will be for at least 28 days… or 6 months. Now imagine that you’re not allowed to self isolate at your home, with your family around you or your friends close by. You’re ill, scared and confused. Imagine you have no say in it. Imagine you are forced out of your ..read more

 When I was in hospital, I worked relentlessly at understanding my illness, and part of that was knowing my triggers. I made a WRAP (wellness recovery action plan) with my named nurse, identifying triggers, red warning signs and ways to cope if those warning signs flagged up. For me, one of my vulnerabilities is February. Everyone talks about the January blues, but for me it’s the February that looms. Without fail, every year during February it feels like there is a black lead in my head, I cant think, I cant communicate, I fall into an overwhelming pit of depression, suicidal thoughts, q ..read more

 Sometimes you are harshly reminded of the brutality of an eating disorder. It is well known that anorexia holds the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric condition; but what does that really mean? It means that one in five sufferers of an eating disorder will die. 20%. That figure is terrifyingly high. I personally know many incredible people battling with this illness, and sometimes I forget the statistics… I forget that many of the most beautiful souls I have gotten to know and love, will lose their battle. When I lost Lizzie two years ago, it felt like my heart shattered. Whilst I ..read more

Are you truly alone if all the people around you are on your computer screen? Did I want to be alone? I’m not sure. When family members have previously passed away, the idea of congregating together, sharing memories and a simple hug would seem to make for a natural grief journey. The notion of ‘compassionate leave’ was non-existent as during national lockdown we all went virtual- so taking time out of your *now* online life seemed wrong. And despite the clear efforts of my support network to make sure I was okay, something still wasn’t quite right. Not physically meeting with people meant tha ..read more

Self-harm is something I have battled with since my early teens. It came before my eating disorder; it came before many of the symptoms and illnesses I have battled. I still remember the first time I ever did it; I was so lost, so scared, angry, confused, self-hating. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and that’s when I did it. For a second, I could breathe. But I had no idea what would come to follow. It’s the thing I am still most reluctant to talk about, mostly due to stigma. Even this last year I’ve relapsed, ending in a hospital trip. Whilst I’m open and honest about so much of my journey, de ..read more

Being open about my mental health wasn’t a decision that came easily. Theres so many layers to a mental illness, its so complex and private. For years, I told no one about the way I was thinking and feeling, then even when I became so ill I ended up under CAMHS, I still simply told people that I had flu and that’s why I was off school. A number of years later, and here I am managing to speak quite openly. But even in the recent year, there have been situations that’s pushed me back. This is just one, which I hope if you have the time to read, you can understand and maybe learn how to ask for ..read more

Firstly I’d like to start off by apologising the lack of blog routine lately. With the pandemic still itching to ruin any chance of having a routine, things have been a bit hilly anxiety-wise. However, during all the jobs I have had, from retail to waitressing and working with those who have additional needs, I have continued to compile a list in the notes section of my phone about the things people have said to me which they should have really kept in their head.    I’m the first person to admit that I am a terrible liar. But when it comes to saying things that could hurt someones f ..read more