A rehab peer when I was seventeen years old gave me an insightful analogy on emotions that I’ve carried with me ever since. She said that emotions are like seasons. Sometimes we are happy and everything is bright and warm and sunny but things will happen and the transition from summer to fall gives way to a lonely darkness like a cold, bitter winter. But, inevitably, winter will give way to spring and the cold will thaw and new life and renewed hope will emerge…we live in cycles as does nature. Many times in my life since seventeen have I been reminded of this. It gives me hope in the darkest ..read more

1st sonogram at 7 weeks. You know, when I chose to travel down this path of receiving donor eggs via IVF it was a conscious choice as well as one that I knew would not be easy. What I didn’t know is that it would be this damn hard. It has proven to be isolating, mentally taxing, and emotionally charged…often all at the same time. In retrospect, would I still do this if I knew then all that I know now? I don’t know. Truly. I say this with a heavy heart….That answer is as conflicted, tangled, and nuanced as all the other emotions this process has brought up for me. The yeses and no’s just collid ..read more

You know, sympathy wins the sash but empathy takes home the crown . I think sympathy is, more or less, a learned and socially encouraged behavior designed to enhance the giver’s (self, in particular) perceived moral high ground. But, where sympathy talks the talk, empathy walks the walk. Sympathy is easy but to empathize, one is required to think and to dig a little deeper by hitting pause and actively removing themselves from their own orbit for just a moment and asking themselves “Damn, what must it really be like to deal with that particular thing right now under that particular circumstan ..read more

My DEFET (donor egg fresh embryo transfer) began in the very beginning of January 2020. Month one was essentially paperwork, initial payments, Donor screenings, and the legal portion of the process. Month two was more or less a game of hurry up and wait for periods to start so that my and the Donor’s cycle could begin to be synched up. Both of us began birth control pills the Sunday after we each started a period and, within a few days, the IVF clinic sent me my transfer schedule. I am assuming the Donor received one similar regarding her contribution to the program. Month three is when the a ..read more

Just for shits and giggles, before I began writing this entry I googled blonde girl child in a dream. This is what Google said: What does seeing a little girl in your dream mean? A little girl in a dream also means a new world, while a young girl in a dream implies getting a new job. A little girl in a dream represents prosperity, wealth after poverty, and ease after a passing adversity. A little girl in a dream also represents something exclusive for the one who saw her in his dream. Inte ..read more

Alright, so, out of the gate: I cheated a bit and took a few little home pregnancy tests prior to the Beta test this morning on 4/9/20. I had some that came in the ovulation tracking kit box that’s been under the bathroom sink for awhile so I figured 1) Fuck it, it’s either use them or throw them out and 2) I’ve felt like I’ve been trying to start a nasty period for a week so this little clump is either implanting itself like it’s life depends on it OR one of us is rejecting the other like our lives depend on it. True to form, curiosity killed the cat. Home pregnancy tests prior to ..read more

It’s the craziest shit, really! I mean, it’s been one week and two days since the transfer and I still can’t wrap my mind around the ass backwardsness of a fresh embryo transfer in that one random selection gets planted with no chromosomal testing or knowledge of WTF is going in and off I go. Meanwhile, all the other viable little nuggets are shipped off for chromosomal testing and gender identification and then popped in the freezer in case we’d like to use one at a later date. How did I miss that detail (fuck, I still just can’t let it go, can I)? I will blame it on a dumb blonde mom ..read more

Going into the actual transfer go time- which was, to me, the day the eggs came out of the Donor- I didn’t feel any emotion or anxiety over any of it. I didn’t focus and fret on the egg retrieval, the sperm sample amount or quality, or on the five day fertilization period before the implantation. Now that the transfer is done and I’m in the 10 day waiting period, I still feel the same way. I’m not attached or anxious or excited…nothing. I guess I’m more curious about if it will actually stick….I’ve thought back through the past 10 or so years and there’s been one for sure miscarriage at a ..read more

Well, week 1 to week 8 are considered the embryonic period of development. Cool. But let’s back it up a sec and do a nice, tidy little recap replete with with photos so I can wrap my mind around what the fuck I have just (potentially) committed the rest of my life to, shall we? SO, when our Egg Donor’s eggs were retrieved on the morning of March 26, 2020 that day was considered Day 0. The developmental countdown officially began the next day and this is where the little peanut’s journey into this shit show we’re currently calling life began: Courtesy of https://adventuristaaz.com ..read more

How do ya like that ratchet ass set of nails…still doesn’t distract from that giant needle about to go in my ass, though! Ah, drugs. Not nearly as fun as they used to be back when I was a young and carefree little whippersnapper but, hey, getting old sucks and having old eggs sucks even more. To dive right in, the drug portion of this program seeming a bit overwhelming to me the day I received a box full of way too many needles that any one box should contain. I kind of pissed myself just a little. That was on February 27, 2020. I called the pharmacy the next day and the lady walked me ..read more