With an increase in UFO sightings across the world, NASA issued a stark warning on Tuesday, contending that illegal aliens could start taking American jobs. Officials argued that if left unchecked, aliens could enter the United States illegally and confiscate millions of good- and bad-paying American jobs. The agency said it is still unclear what kind of jobs are at risk. “If these aliens are highly intelligent, they could infiltrate the medical and law fields,” said NASA spokesman Taylor Jorgenson. “If they don’t end up being the brainy types, those in the lawn-scaping and fast food businesse ..read more

Global leaders were on edge Wednesday after a media leak revealed that Russian President Vladimir Putin sent a direct message to a user on Russian social media service VK that read, “send nukes now.” During initial reporting, media outlets acknowledged they didn’t know who the recipient was, as the VK username was blurred out by the individual who offered the tip. However, a comprehensive analysis by U.S. military officials concluded that the recipient was a woman, and that the message was likely an autocorrect. “Folks, this what we are speculating,” Pentagon spokesman Jason Spurman said durin ..read more

According to a new study by Harvard University, women with the name “Karen” are now experiencing 16 percent worse customer service than men and women who are not named Karen. The study analyzed the quality of customer service in the hospitality industry, as well as tech support services via phone and online chat. The results have sparked outrage from Karens across the United States, as many always suspected that they suffer from a poor customer service experience. “Everywhere I go, the service sucks,” said Karen Jergenson, a stay-at-home mother who runs her own multi-level marketing business ..read more

After years of protests from MLB fans and Native American advocacy groups, the Cleveland Indians have changed their team name, shifting away from a moniker that has long been criticized as bigoted and divisive. After weeks of deliberation over what to change the name to, the organization decided the “Cleveland Engines” would be the perfect replacement, representing the city’s apparent admiration for locomotives. The team issued a press release on Tuesday announcing the name change and apologizing that the decision took so long. “We are sorry that for all of these years we’ve been offending our ..read more

After a severed pig’s head was left in front of her San Francisco home, U.S. House of Representatives Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she was disappointed that someone would desecrate someone’s house by leaving “inedible” animal parts. The disturbing discovery arrived on New Year’s Day after alleged anarchists graffitied Pelosi’s home with messages like “cancel rent” and “we want everything,” a possible reference to COVID-19 relief programs. In a statement, Pelosi said it wasn’t strictly the vandalism that disappointed her, but that someone would leave parts of an animal’s body that wouldn’t be cons ..read more

An already heated recruitment war between the Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts escalated this week after the latter group drastically reduced its age requirement and began recruiting 8-month-olds. Before the updated policy, new scouts had to be at least 10 years old to join, which is more than 9 years older than the previous requirement. The decision has bolstered what the Girl Scouts have already been calling “unfair recruitment practices,” as the Boy Scouts previously opened the organization to children of all genders. “It’s a shady and despicable ploy to take over the scout market,” said Judith B ..read more

In an effort that is being hailed by pundits as “honest” and “genuine,” Whole Foods launched a new ad campaign on Monday that encourages people to overpay for food if they want to maximize their pretentiousness. The campaign emphasizes that pretentiousness comes at a cost, and therefore paying for overpriced food and household items is well worth it. “A false appearance of great importance,” the ad begins, in a successful effort to define the word pretentiousness. “Friends, family members, and all your peers will witness your importance. So shop at Whole Foods… because it pays to be pretentiou ..read more

According to a growing number of health experts, the year 2032 could be a really bad year for a new strain of coronavirus. The medical community says the world needs to start preparing for COVID-32 right now to prevent the deadly outbreak that transpired in 2020. When pressed by reporters about why they are even speculating on COVID-32, one health expert said it’s important to think decades in advance, even if it’s impossible to test any form of hypothesis. In cases like the coronavirus, he affirmed, it’s best to rely on your “inner voice” rather than concrete data. “More and more these days w ..read more

As Russian hackers hit major corporations and critical government institutions across America, the F.B.I announced Tuesday that hackers have infiltrated the Pillsbury Company. The news is particularly noteworthy as sources within the company say the Russians now control top-secret information, like the company’s Pillsbury Doughboy Cinnamon Roll recipe. Federal officials, political pundits, and fans of Pillsbury products are disturbed by the development, as cinnamon rolls have long been a staple of the American breakfast. “It’s one thing to hit our government agencies and financial institutions ..read more

Founder and CEO of Amazon Jeff Bezos ruined Christmas for millions of children around the world after announcing Monday that he is the real Santa Claus. Parents are dismayed as their sons and daughters realize that Santa is a skinny beardless man who wears plain civilian clothes and holds no magical powers. “I have something big to tell the world,” Mr. Bezos announced Sunday during a press conference. “Santa Claus doesn’t have a puffy white beard. He doesn’t fly around the world being pulled by magical reindeer. None of that crap. How do I know this? Because I’m the real Santa Claus.” While th ..read more