Guys, who am i kidding
borderline this, borderline that | HER (KIND of) course
by herkindof
4y ago
Satie and Debussy. The rain is a liar ..read more
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Let me be for someone what nobody was for me
borderline this, borderline that | HER (KIND of) course
by herkindof
4y ago
After some days of respite (here and there), I’m really struggling again. The physical symptoms are the heaviest, with sorrow pounding at my chest, lest I forget it. Sometimes it helps to focus on a physical sensation, experiencing it full force, yet without exaggeration, without chasing accompanying stories. Other times, this exercise is somehow self-invalidating, bringing back the painful feeling all the more forcefully in due time. What currently tugs at me most is the difficulty of getting through hard times largely alone. Of many accounts I’ve read of people traversing difficult paths ..read more
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For it does
borderline this, borderline that | HER (KIND of) course
by herkindof
4y ago
Out of desperation born of betrayal, I found myself on a windy road, icy and dark, circling past the same ominous house number, the GPS system never quite content I’d arrived. I was invited by sheer accident, and I decided to go out of abject dejection, half expecting never to walk out again. I’m writing this on a piece of notebook paper during a two-hour period of mandatory silence. The rules are such: you cannot speak, and you must put away all technological devices. Teams are tasked with creating something (no further guidelines are given) under these restrictions. One of my teammates i ..read more
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Music and books and one or two pictures
borderline this, borderline that | HER (KIND of) course
by herkindof
4y ago
Sitting in choir practice this evening, for some moments, I felt wholly human, whole. The world of diagnoses and expensive therapists washed away; symptoms and separateness faded. These past few weeks, I had lunged into a world of pure disorder, a world of psychiatry in which the human element commonly vanishes; surely, there’s more to people than a collection of defects. The antidote to so much of my pain is connection and kindness. “The only thing in the world is music–music and books and one or two pictures,” starts Woolf. “I am going to found a colony where there shall be no marrying–un ..read more
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Peripherally yours
borderline this, borderline that | HER (KIND of) course
by herkindof
4y ago
It seems much of “this” stems from being (feeling) perpetually peripheral. That feeling when you and five others called a cab (I’m thinking of a place and a time when and where there were, indeed, cabs), and only four of you fit, so you stayed behind. (I stayed behind.) It seems there’s always a good explanation as to why I do not or cannot fit in the cab. Someone else needs it more, or deserves it more, or is related to someone, or is plain old wanted. I sometimes find consolation in telling myself to just call a damn Uber. Better yet, walk. It seems more cruel, though, when I finally ..read more
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Why i started this blog
borderline this, borderline that | HER (KIND of) course
by herkindof
4y ago
This is a particularly rough period of life for me. Sure, it’s happened before: the person or thing I’ve deemed to be the source of sustenance for me has unexpectedly vanished from my life. This breeds all sorts of revelations and meltdowns, creating an unsightly amalgam of the two, blending into some weird, chaotic mess. The revelations are largely such: I must find it in myself (“it” being sustenance). I cannot depend on anyone else to define me or my worth. The meltdowns are largely such: when worst comes to worst, I am alone. The person on whom I’ve relied in the past two years has sud ..read more
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