Journal Day 34 My first thought is that I really miss the park. Unlike the park, the only things to lay my eyes on at a book store are the books that I will not be buying, sea salt caramels, sugar cookies and pumpkin scones that I should not have. Let's not forget the coffee menu tempting me with an eggnog latte. I say "yes" to the latte! Tomorrow, I will change it up and go to my old stomping grounds, Estabrook Cancer Center. It was where I received radiation treatment at 10:00 a.m., every day, for six weeks straight. It's a large building with lots of places to sit. I won't venture t ..read more

Laura M. Dugan      Laura's battle with metastatic breast cancer ended on June 15, 2020. You knew her as "Maria," and the author of Just Eat Your Cupcake, Too. She absolutely loved writing, and yes, she liked using a form of her middle name when writing.  She and I knew the journey we were on. We found our "golden years" to come too soon and be too short. We tried to live every day fully. It was a difficult yet sacred journey. She passed somewhat unexpectedly, if that makes sense. Those of you who reached out after her passing, thank you. Those of you who wishe ..read more

Quarantine sucks. And I am sort of in quarantine all the time. I have been told by my oncologist for over a year to stay away from large crowds and to not let sick people get within 6 feet from me.  But this takes the cake. Just three weeks ago, @LeeDeWyze was at my house and we were all in a group discussing how interesting this corona virus thing was. None of us was particularly worried. None of us wore masks. Toilet paper hoarders had surfaced in Lee's home state of California, but we all chuckled about them. I don't think any of us worried that within 3 weeks, we would all be practicing s ..read more

It's been a tough few weeks. I found out that my liver is failing. I pretty much feel like shit. All. The. Time.  And my wife, who has known me for over three decades did the absolute worst thing she could have ever done and the most loving thing that she has ever done at the same time.  Last Saturday, I was blearily sitting through some cooking show when she came in the living room and put the remote on mute.  "I have something important to tell you," she said. I looked up, tired, only half interested. She says things like this ALL THE TIME. And then she usually says, "Are you aware that ..read more

I kind of hate it. This treading water. I look back on my old life and it wasn't slam packed with fun, but it was....interesting.  If there was a play coming to the city and I wanted to see it, I got us tickets. Checked with friends/family to see if they wanted to come with us.  If I was in the mood for bbq, I would text T and see if she felt like going out for it that night. If so, we did.  I would come home, change out of my work clothes and into sweats and there was a multitude of things to do. Wash. Check emails. Work on blog. Watch TV. If it was my turn, make dinner. If not, eat dinner ..read more

It has been a bouncy few days. Got the cat scan. My insurance would only cover a chest, pelvis, and abdomen scan, so I got that. The results were actually not bad. It showed that while none of my tumors were growing, they weren't shrinking either. In stasis. This is actually sort of good news to a cancer patient. No movement is good movement.  So WHY the soaring CA-15 tumor markers? My oncologist and I talked about this. She thought it might be a fluke. Or that my RA was flaring. I sort of agreed. But. I have been having bouts of vertigo at night. This is troublesome and could indicate a bra ..read more

It wasn't as if I was shocked. The signs were all there. The pain was worse. I awakened a lot with pain in the wee hours of the morning and it was getting harder and harder to get it to go away. My energy, always flagging, was now almost non-existent. I was experiencing vertigo more often. I knew that something was wrong.   And all the labs reflected that. My tumor markers went from the high 100's to the low 400's.   After labs, I went to my oncology appointment and waited for over an hour to see the Dr. This never happens when all is okay.  The doctor walked in the room. NOT the PA.  Sh ..read more

It is kind of like finals week in college. Except that it is life or death. I know, I know....finals feels like life or death, but in the scheme of your life, it is just a bead. You'll figure that out when you get older.  Cancer patients HATE labs. And waiting for labs.  Mine go like this: two hours before my next oncology appointment, I get labs taken in the same building. Because I have a port, this is a relatively easy process. I really like all of the nurses, save for one. She is being trained and is not as adept as the others, but she means well. Still. When I give my name to the front d ..read more

Sheets. We have 5 sets that we rotate. And sheets are very important to cancer patients. We spend A LOT of time in bed. It helps to have good sheets. We have a burgundy colored flannel set that, because of air conditioning, is used year round. I like them but have to remember to not wear my flannel nightgown when they are on. Flannel against flannel is just unwanted friction. What I like is when it is -2 degrees outside and I am in those sheets and the electric blanket is on high.  We have a white bamboo set that my sisters bought for me when I first fought breast cancer in 2015. They are ..read more

There we are, every night. Sitting in our chairs. Holding hands. I can't eat much anymore, so sometimes I have a half eaten bowl of rice pudding sitting next to me or a half of a bologna sandwich. Chemo brings strange cravings. I hadn't eaten bologna in decades and then one day, coming home from chemo, I suddenly wanted a bologna sandwich on plain white bread with mayo.  I said as much to T. She gave me a look, but complied. We had never purchased bologna before and she had a few questions.  Beef? Chicken? Everything but the kitchen sink? Pork? I thought for a moment. "I guess the kind we h ..read more