Look over there. Someone is in trouble. I bet someone else will help. “No one else stopped the bad thing from happening so like, why should I stop the bad thing from happening? It’s probably not even that bad,” said the City of Schmicago’s Chief of Police, Chet Grumble when asked why he didn’t help stop bullying in High School. “I was like pretty popular back then and always rolled with a crowd, ya know? I didn’t want to risk being less cool by helping someone. Who knows how the crowd would have reacted.” A concerning quote that may act as a small magnifying glass into the psyche of Grumble ..read more

“I’m pretty sure I’m pretty smart,” said Rodger Flarpston, certifiable genius. This past Wednesday morning when Flarpston opened his mailbox he was greeted with an envelope that, to use his own words, “was sent to him from The White House.” We interpret this to mean that the envelope was sent from the government.  Initially, Flarpston thought he was finally being brought to justice for his crimes against the state for his use of the infamous illegal music downloading app, Limewire.   Flarpston’s anxiety quickly vanished when he opened the envelope to find a $1200 check from the ..read more

Today, a SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket and Crew Dragon capsule is scheduled to launch two NASA astronauts to the International Space Station, but not until they give the ship a wet and sloppy smooch. Everything was in order and the astronauts were ready for launch and as the countdown commenced Elon Musk materialized, seemingly out of nowhere, on the top of the spacecraft. “Today is a day to remember, the first private company venturing into space. Before you go through, you’ll need to kiss the ship,” said Musk.  The astronauts and grounds crew out a collective “Huh.” In a standoff that lasted ..read more

View fullsize Finally, someone said what needed to be said and finally, someone said what needed to be said. This Tuesday morning, the senate met on the senate floor, which was where they met. The senate was addressed by a broken record who talked to the senators in an address. The broken record echoed the idea that the senators could “say that again.” In case you’re confused we’ll say that again. The broken record echoed the idea that the senators could “say that again.” The Senate met this idea with a round of applause and they applauded the idea. ‘The Senators gave the broken record a stan ..read more

Bro, I’m so glad my ancestors fought for my freedom to play Call of Duty Bro. On this Monday, May the 25th, we remember those fallen heroes who served and protected their country. On this Memorial Day, we look back on those who gave their lives on the battlefield so we could sit on our couch and play Electronic Arts’ “Battlefield.” Today, we the people reflect on the countless fallen angels so we can play the first-person shooter game, Halo and it’s counterparts Halo 2 and Halo 3. Today we take a moment to remind ourselves just how lucky we truly are to live in a country where we are free to ..read more

View fullsize Finally, we can all go back to the good ole days! The nation’s best physicists have discovered evidence of a parallel universe where time runs backward and  President Trump wears an embarrassing multicolored propeller hat. We could focus on the numbers and the quantum physics of this story, but it wouldn’t make much sense as we collectively barely managed to receive a B in high school physics. In lieu of any in-depth analysis of the claims that NASA has found a parallel universe, we will instead focus on the effect a propeller hat would have on Donald Trump’s credibility ..read more

View fullsize Trump says he is taking hydroxychloroquine though health experts question its effectiveness. Americans are now encouraging the president to see what else may or may not prevent COVID-19, for example, diving headfirst into a vat of  2,200°F lava. The initial proposition came from Britney Johnson or @doglover42 via twitter. President Trump read the tweet and saw it as a challenge rather than the playful quip it was intended to be. Just like hydroxychloroquine,  there have been no published studies stating that jumping into a vat of lava may prevent COVID-19. President Tr ..read more

View fullsize Area gamer, Paul McNulty, better known by his Twitch handle, LadyKillerz3 wants to know what’s up YouTube? What’s up YouTube? What’s up YouTube? McNulty, who is nearing the 50 subscriber landmark all gamers so desperately seak, publishes all his live streams to his YouTube page. Recently, a few of his subscribers have had some complaints. “It seems like every time I log on and watch one of LadyKillerz3 his vid is all sorts of effed up. It’s almost like he purposefully edits his stream to make it seem like the video is buffering for some sick kick,” commented long time follower a ..read more

View fullsize A recent study my colleges and I completed ended with the conclusion that yes, at this point into quarantine, 9 out of 10 moms are bleeding profusely from their fingertips and yet find themselves in a never-ending scrolling and scrubbing cycle, lost in the ones and zeros of the internet. My name is Doctor Numbers and you can take my word for anything number related because my name makes it seem like I would be a trustworthy source when it comes to the topic of numbers. Doctor Numbers, that’s me. Furthermore, yes, umm, as such, and things. I do declare, given my namesake that 9 o ..read more

View fullsize In these trying its good to know someone is trying.  On May eighteenth, John Krasinski, host of the Youtube series “Some Good News” bid an emotional farewell to his fans as he aired his final episode. This, however, did not take place before the almighty President Donald Trump could Award the former “The Office” star the  Presidential Medal of News N’ Stuff. “Look, all these news stations, CNN, MSNBC, not Fox News, they’re all bad. They’re all really very bad. I saw this news show that focused on the good and I’m sure how I was the reason for all the good, so I decided ..read more