Underscoring the challenges scientists face in developing a vaccine against Covid-19, the virus has reportedly jumped species again, this time infecting White House policy adviser Stephen Miller. It's jumped species. https://t.co/QDbvsZ4xOr — The Lincoln Project (@ProjectLincoln) October 6, 2020 “As I’ve been saying for many months, this virus is remarkably resilient,” said a visibly frustrated Anthony Fauci. “Just when we thought things had finally bottomed out, the virus goes even lower by infecting a cold-blooded creature like Stephen Miller. Are we surprised? A little bit, yes ..read more

Seeing the handwriting on the wall, Donald Trump took decisive action on Thursday by filing a lawsuit in federal court against his presidential campaign. “They were a total disaster,” proclaimed the president in a hastily-arranged press conference at the White House. “Stupid Stepien, Masturbating Max Miller, Jeff DeWitless, Lara Trumpster fire, SmellyAnne Con Job, and all the other losers and suckers.” Trump sniffed deeply, looking up from his prepared comments, then continued. “They were so bad, so very, very bad. People are saying they’re all a bunch of angry Democrats, that I can tell you ..read more

During Thursday’s presidential debate, Donald Trump and Joe Biden traded blows over a contentious ninety minutes. Arguably the most controversial moment came after Biden hammered Trump about his frequent trips to Mar-a-Lago, the president’s self-proclaimed ‘Southern White House’. On his heels from the forcefulness of Biden’s attack, Trump blurted out series of two-word invectives, followed by a promise to govern from the White House’s underground bunker if re-elected. Will be having many meetings this weekend at The Southern White House. Big 5:00 P.M. speech in Melbourne, Florida. A lot to ta ..read more

After beseeching suburban women to like him, Donald Trump went a step further on Sunday, threatening to lose the election if more people don’t follow suit. “I’ll do it,” vowed the president to thousands of rallygoers in Muskegon, Michigan. “I’ll lose this damn election right now if millions of people all across this shithole country don’t start liking me.” Credit: giphy.comHistorically unliked Already deeply unpopular with women, Trump is similarly disliked by Hispanics, Blacks, young voters, older voters, and newborn babies. “Everybody hates me,” the president lamented. eliciting a chorus of ..read more

During Wednesday’s vice presidential debate, Mike Pence was consistently long on rhetoric and short on facts. The most noteworthy moment of the evening, however, saw Mother Nature weigh in by landing a fly on Pence’s snow-white hair. The vice presidential debate proved that Mike Pence is full of crap – https://t.co/1mfRyVFjbd pic.twitter.com/cbwGLy3GNd — Queerty (@Queerty) October 8, 2020 The fly “There was a what on my what?” asked a surprised Pence during the post-debate press conference. After the assembled press confirmed the report, he shook his head grimly in denial. “It’s unfortunate ..read more

Mirroring Joe Biden’s temporary cessation of Trump attack ads, multiple news outlets vowed to cast the president in a positive light during his Covid-19 affliction. In a rare display of unanimity, major news networks joined together to proclaim they are ‘positive’ Trump is a clown. “Oh, I’m absolutely positive he’s a clown,” snapped NBC Nightly News anchor Lester Holt. “I know you’re used to me as a square-jawed, family-friendly news anchor, but come on, man.” Holt lit a cigarette, downing a shot of Jack Daniels. “Trump’s a goddamn loon, and this is Dateline.” Anderson Cooper Longtime CNN anc ..read more

In a bombshell report by The New York Times, Donald Trump was exposed as a deeply flawed businessman whose tax returns show he loses money hand over fist. Over the next few weeks, the Times will detail the reason why: a crushing addiction to cheeseburgers. “Donald Trump doesn’t drink or smoke, but man alive, he sure as holy hell has a cheeseburger addiction,” exclaimed lead reporter Russ Buettner. “He wakes up around 5:30 and wolfs down the cheeseburger he put under his pillow the night before. While tweeting and grunting on his golden toilet, he eats his second burger.” Buettner pau ..read more

Hours after performing a monumental flip-flop over the nomination of a new Supreme Court justice, Lindsey Graham’s balls have reportedly passed away. “We are saddened over the tragic passage of our brother’s balls,” announced sister Darline Graham Nordone. “While never exactly a profile in courage, we had hoped Lindsey’s testicles might survive the Trump era. Sadly, like nearly all the president’s acolytes and toadies, that was not meant to be.” The old Lindsey Graham Prior to becoming fully subservient to Donald Trump, the South Carolina senator appeared to posses fully-functional gonads. “Ye ..read more

In what promises to shake the presidential race to its foundation, three former Donald Trump pseudonyms will soon release a no-holds-barred book about the president. “It’s going to be a beautiful thing, probably the greatest book written since the Bible, maybe,” offered pseudonym David Barron.  “The three of us have worked together for decades and know everything there is about your favorite president, Donald Trump.” .@newtgingrich just stated that there has been no president since Abraham Lincoln who has been treated worse or more unfairly by the media than your favorite President, me ..read more

With polls showing Donald Trump losing to Joe Biden both nationally and in key swing states, the president is clearly desperate to change voter perceptions. According to Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany, that will be accomplished with the stroke of a presidential pen. Wednesday afternoon, paperwork was filed to rename the Electoral College ‘Trump University’. “The president believes the name Electrical College is — and this is a direct quote — ‘stupid AF’,” said McEnany during her morning press briefing. “It’s not electrical and it sure as heck isn’t a college. We asked a focus group of Trump ..read more