Trust…. 
Inside Rock Bottom
by admin
7M ago
I ask myself almost daily who I can trust. More often than not, I can count on one hand the people who fit in that club. It’s never who I want it to be. Who I need it to be. Who I anticipate it would be.  Life has taught me trust is not a given. Most have no idea how to follow that one rule. They will lie, be defensive, and be confrontational when faced with the inability to be trustworthy. Even the most dedicated relationships fail on this basic level. We either hope and ignore the signs. Or fear and overreact. In every aspect of my life, trust seems to be the one elusive thing. I’ve que ..read more
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A mother always knows….
Inside Rock Bottom
by admin
1y ago
Premonitions are not a mystery when you’re a mother. We do it all the time. That sinking feeling in the middle of the night only to go check and find your newborn had gotten himself stuck in the corner of the crib. Or tangled in the bumper pad that had somehow come untied. Nothing changes even as they get older. Were the same mothers we were then and have the same fears. Are they safe? Loved? Happy? However, they have changed through the years we still see their chubby little faces. Reaching for us to pick them up. Peaceful, untouched souls who’s only need is us! I have found that those roles ..read more
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Boundaries…..What are they??To most of us who have enabled, we don’t have a clear idea of what that is. Hence why we’re enablers. We move between loving our addicts and not loving ourselves. We don’t see who we’re hurting. Usually, it’s the people we’re trying to save—the line between right and wrong is so blurred we can’t see ourselves without them. We don’t recognize they push we pull. We won’t let go of the rope, so no one falls. Therefore no one learns.It’s too..
Inside Rock Bottom
by admin
1y ago
The post Boundaries….. What are they?? To most of us who have enabled, we don’t have a clear idea of what that is. Hence why we’re enablers. We move between loving our addicts and not loving ourselves. We don’t see who we’re hurting. Usually, it’s the people we’re trying to save—the line between right and wrong is so blurred we can’t see ourselves without them. We don’t recognize they push we pull. We won’t let go of the rope, so no one falls. Therefore no one learns. It’s too uncomfortable for us to watch them be uncomfortable. So we allow, make excuses, cover-up, and protect. We teach them t ..read more
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09/22/2022
Inside Rock Bottom
by admin
1y ago
Life continues to roll tide. One minute you have the illusion of peace, and the next, the reality of confusion. There was a time when I lived in tomorrows: I now yearn for yesterday. Where loss was not at every turn.Where goodbyes were not around every corner Though I am courageously walking through these changing seasons, it is not without fear. It exists and is my constant companion hiding just behind the mask. Tears fall, but no one glimpses. Cries tell, but no one listens. Sadness and rage envelop me, but no one notices. If ever before I felt such profound grief, it was not until now that ..read more
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Rabbit Hole…
Inside Rock Bottom
by admin
2y ago
Down the rabbit hole, I go. That’s how it feels. One day completely happy, looking forward to a new life. One that I thought was my reward for all the hard work I had done to improve all the things I saw in myself I didn’t like. Became self-sufficient. Depended on no one. Took care of myself in every way a woman should learn how to. It became my monthra and I hit every goal! Went to Alanon to improve where I was failing my sons in their addictions. Failing myself! To separate me from their addictions was the hardest for me to learn but I did it and can see my mistakes. In defeat is where we le ..read more
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More times than not….
Inside Rock Bottom
by admin
2y ago
Sometimes, no correction more times than not we are handed a journey. We don’t know where because that would take away from the why. We are just to proceed and as we go navigate all the hills and valleys before us. there’s no map to this. No instructions. Just go! In my travels, I have been taken through a wide variety of terrain. Some I’ve had to climb. Some I’ve had to fight to stay afloat. Most I’ve had to accept I may not make it. My ideal was id conquer and if I didn’t that meant I failed. At the point, you feel you have failed you have two roads you can go down. One, give up. Two try ano ..read more
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The Lesson….. Today as I drove my son back from re...
Inside Rock Bottom
by admin
2y ago
The Lesson….. Today as I drove my son back from rehabilitation for his brain injury he asked why this happened to him? What is the reason? Knowing how quickly he would lose that thought. I took a few seconds to think how can I answer this that would make sense and maybe give the resolution I know he seeks. So I asked him why can’t an addict live without drugs? Of course, the answer was because I’m an addict, So I expanded the question, once you come out of addiction, why is it so hard to live in a drugless world? He just sat there thinking. Finally, after several moments of silence, he said ..read more
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Quiet Mornings…..
Inside Rock Bottom
by admin
2y ago
Quiet mornings to reflect on my life. Things have not went as planned but do they ever? Years of drugs with my sons have come at such a cost. i am lucky in that I still have all of them. Some parents aren’t as lucky. Challenges of now caring for my youngest who is now disabled are bittersweet. Drugs are gone. No more moment by moment fear of if and or when I’d get “that call” are now replaced with round the clock care and medications. My sons condition is not based on drugs but was made worse by them. I knew he’d have to be stopped one way or another and wether you believe in God or not I choo ..read more
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08/14/2021
Inside Rock Bottom
by admin
2y ago
Life sure has a way of turning you upside down. You can never get too complacent. You’re constantly assured that no matter what is going on, as the world turns, so will you.  My life has changed drastically. New challenges and obstacles have me spinning. Trying to find my balance in this situation is testing my controlling spirit. Forever my difficulty is shifting my perspective to gain insight within walls that unceasingly close in on me. Fear of change grips me like an undertow in the ocean pulling me under, only letting me go long enough to get a quick breath, then back to the cold, bl ..read more
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Wind
Inside Rock Bottom
by admin
2y ago
Like winds changing direction our life has taken an unexpected turn. On May 4 my son suffered cardiac arrest and is now left with Hypoxic Brain Injury. The challenges with this are not unlike the years we have fight for his sobriety. Our lives are now forever affected by what is and hopes of what could have been. Daily we struggle with our new normal and achieving a balance in gratefulness of him still being with us and the constant guilt of did we do enough to prevent this. Now we are left with little change in the addicted mind but now physically unable to fulfill that desire, I guess maybe ..read more
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