New York – Elizabeth Warren, campaigning to be the Democratic nominee for President, addressed a crowd of New Yorkers on Thursday and pitched giving the Aisle of Manhattan back to the Native American tribes who it was stolen from. “Hundreds of years ago, we ripped off my ancestors with a handful of beads!” said the defiant Warren in a speech. “It’s time we returned the land back to the Lenape and send white people back to where they came from!” The proclamation was, at first, met with uproarious applause by the mostly white audience. Then, slowly, a wave of realization swept across the crowd a ..read more

Louisville – Blake Donaldson of Lawson, Kentucky has been swiping girls on OkCupid since his break up a few months ago. He wonders if the current bio he’s looking at, with a woman offering NSA sex, is real. “I’d like to believe,” said Donaldson. “I mean, it would be nice just to have some sex and not get into some kind of complicated relationship. But almost every time I contact one of these women, they end up being a bot. And sure, she’s super hot, looks younger than her age and the pics are professional, but she says she’s a model.” Donaldson’s potential date, known only at Katrina, claims t ..read more

ATLANTA — A Delta Airlines pilot was terminated today after she was caught playing a Nintendo Switch with non-inverted controls during a flight. “Absolutely unacceptable behavior,” said Delta spokesperson Candace Valentine. “Our passengers are our top priority, and their safety is jeopardized every time the flight crew gets distracted by a video game’s non-inverted analog sticks. The pilot wouldn’t have been able to react quickly enough if there had been an emergency. The time it would’ve taken to mentally shift from Breath of the Wild’s non-inverted controls to the yoke’s inverted mechanics c ..read more

New York – Saturday Night Live, the long-running comedy show, spent its entire episode going through the laborious immigration laws in the United States and what’s wrong with them. “It’s political satire,” Leslie Jones said, defending the decision after her ten-minute treatise on natural born citizenship. “Sometimes you don’t laugh at comedy, you just think.” Longtime fans of the show were not surprised. “SNL has been slowly removing the comedy for the show for a while now,” said Martinia Evans of New York. “Better that the show is appropriately woke than funny.” Musical guest, Cardi B, spent ..read more

Sacramento – What was expected to be one of the hottest selling Call of Duty games, Call of Duty: Social Justice Warrior, has received a lukewarm reception from the video game community. “I’ve never played a game where I have to lecture people,” complained a reviewer on IGN. “Plus my character is still living with his parents and I spent twenty minutes just complaining on Twitter. Who is this game for?” The game follows the exploits of Pat Enspiregurl, a college freshman who gets woke, dyes her hair and discovers third wave feminism. “Why is the basic move of this character to call everyone a ..read more

Santa Cruz CA – 29 year old Justin Griffin has taken to all the major social media platforms to assure all the people he knows that he is in fact a musician who is touring around the country and definitely not just a homeless vagabond with a van. Friends and family became concerned when they realized Justin said he was moving out of his apartment in Santa Cruz California several months ago but never mentioned where his new apartment was. “I offered to help him move” said longtime friend John Pabich. “He just told me it was OK, he didn’t have much stuff and that everything he needed fit in his ..read more

Cleveland – 90 year-old Ted Simmons, a veteran of D-day, recalls the day he hid inside the troop transport on the historic D-Day. “It was a real risk because if they found me I would’ve gotten in big trouble,” admits Simmons remembering. “Not only that, a mortar might’ve hit the boat and then my cowardice would’ve been for nothing!” Simmons spent the next few harrowing days sleeping inside the hull of the troop transport. At night, he would sneak around and steal food and water for himself. “Fortunately, there was so much confusion, after it was over, I just slipped in with the rest of the tr ..read more

Stanford CA – Online moral outrage is rising and often becomes bullying behavior, according to a Stanford study published last year titled “The Paradox of Moral Outrage”. Greatly concerned, the President formed a commission headed by Vice President Mike Pence to investigate and research the topic and help produce a set of federal guidelines aimed at preventing online bullying. After numerous public hearings with experts, policymakers, and victims, they concluded that our lives are and should be governed by online mobs and bullies. “On the one hand, it is tempting to resist the internet outrage ..read more

Santa Fe – In a move that surprised no one, thousands of angry Game of Thrones fans stormed the governor’s mansion in New Mexico, burning it to the ground and installing George R.R. Martin as their king. “Finally, someone on the Iron Throne I can respect!” said GoT fan, Scott Evers, who was dressed as Jamie Lannister. “Now I’m not just going to see Game of Thrones, I can finally live it!” Martin, who reportedly was already building an exact life-sized replica of the Red Keep, is currently living in a Hyatt regency surrounded by dozens of beautiful women dressed as Daenerys Targaryen. “His grac ..read more

Newark, NJ – Airlines have reported an increase in the antagonistic behavior of airline passengers, attributing it to the stress of flying. Increased security measures, flight delays, cancellations, fewer flight attendants, alcohol consumption and classist resentment between passengers in different privilege-levels of the plane all contribute to a rise in unruly passenger behavior. Over the years, airlines have taken steps to try to calm their passengers down; here are 10 ideas that failed: 10. Comfort Animals: airlines have seen a huge upswing in passengers traveling with a comfort animal, bu ..read more