Dear Goddamned Beagle, Seven years and ten days ago a bug-eyed raccoon x dog x cat x goat creature stared at me suspiciously, and I in turn stared back with similar misgivings. “Calm down,” said my friend, “It’s just a beagle.” She was wrong about that. You arrived not quite two months after Addie died, the second of my Greater Swiss Mountain Dogs. I’d lost her sister Betty a little over a year before that, and my two human sons had left for college in between. I was in a black hole of empty house and aching heart. While I held on to my delusions for weeks, you offered no subtleties in your de ..read more

Dear Goddamned Beagle, According to the internet, which is never wrong, dogs are able to perceive nearly twice as many frequencies as humans. If one looks into hertz and kilohertz (one thousand shit-beat rental cars) and high and low frequencies, what’s clear is this: You can hear way better than we can. Which means you’re often ignoring us on purpose. But it doesn’t just mean that. It also means you’re setting us up. Stupid trucks, It’s been an extremely hot summer. To avoid burning your feet and melting our brains we’ve been taking our first daily walk early, when we see different people and ..read more

Dear Goddamned Beagle, It has been a while, I know. A very long while. There is a word in human, “umwelt,” that means “the world as it is experienced by a particular organism.” Our back yard, for instance, to an earthworm looks like an endless expanse of dark earth; to you looks like a faded army-green field of potential rabbit pursuit and squirrel pizza detritus (and dirt to dig and eat – your Tennessee really shows up in that yard, dog, I swear to god); and to me it looks like a satisfying-if-violently green, artificially-grassed city oasis with a litigious tangle of hose at the bottom of th ..read more

Dear Goddamned Beagle, I am not someone who enjoys Fritos. I should, I guess, as I like other salty, crunchy things very much. But Fritos, no. This is partly because of the taste, and I think they’re too thick, too, but it’s mostly because of dogs like you. Dozens of hound-owned humans over the years have sealed the deal by exclaiming, “Doesn’t he smell like Fritos?” in a happy, loving voice. “Sure does!” I’ve said “Sometimes I smell the bottoms of his feet. They so Frito-y!” “I bet,” I’ve said. What I have not said is, “Yes, and that smell is caused by yeast and bacteria, and oils, and right ..read more

Dear Goddamned Beagle, Yesterday we had a very rare day off. I celebrated by starting off with an extra-long stationary bike ride, while you celebrated by not having your sleep interrupted quite as early before your breakfast and morning nap. The pandemic we’re going through has not been easy on anyone, but I know you’ve been suffering more than most people realize. With only me around, your rate of reinforcement for begging has gone way down. Wait, let me clarify. It’s not that your rate of reinforcement per behavior has gone down. We’re pretty much holding steady at a 1:1 ratio: you beg, I r ..read more

Dear Goddamned Beagle, We have been fogey-sitting now for days. Many days. Hundreds and hundreds of days. I move from couch to table as I work through the hours between tasks like, “Did you hear that? Maybe it’s the mailman!” (We don’t have a mailman.) ” What did you do with the remote?” (Nothing. It’s on your lap for easy raising the volume of MSNBC from the high 50s into the 60s.) “Oh Marjie, I’ve been meaning to ask you. Will you please rewire the wifi system? I bought a router but the thing doesn’t work and I think just a wire will do it. Oh, just drill through the floor.” 11:00 “Is it alm ..read more

Dear Goddamned Beagle, You’re aware, I assume, of the exploits and heroism of some of your colleagues. There are dogs that run into terrifying situations to apprehend a bad guy, some who jump out of helicopters to find lost civilians or rush into combat. There are some of your kind who serve as the eyes of their human companion, steering them through all aspects of life. They skillfully guide them along city streets, onto public transportation, through unknown environments, day and night, quietly watching over their partner. This morning I woke up late, a result of too many bedtime episodes o ..read more

Dear Goddamned Beagle, Today we received a note from a couple of your colleagues asking for an update on your status. I must admit I’ve been meaning to write, but I’ve been very busy since… OK, August. Whatever. But so busy. Before diving into other dispatches I thought I’d provide a quick update regarding your current status. After all, no matter how busy one is, it’s still important to be responsible. Luckily I’ve kept a pictorial record of all your goings-on. The blanket moved incorrectly. Where is the blanket? WHERE? As anyone can see, you’ve been working hard. Appropriate ..read more

Dear Goddamned Beagle, I have missed you. I have. I’ve been traveling too much, doing my part to contribute to my field, but it takes its toll on these bones. I know it’s hard on you, too. After each successive trip, I’ve heard the same thing: “She was so depressed while you were gone!” This is not a good thing. I learned you remained sleeping while someone left the room with their breakfast fair game on the floor. Unheard of. Not normal. I got home a few days ago from my third trip in a little over a month. After a small amount of weeping (you, not me, but I was still glad to see you), we we ..read more

Dear Goddamned Beagle, I am not someone who enjoys Fritos. I should, I guess, as I like other salty, crunchy things very much. But Fritos, no. This is partly because of the taste, and I think they’re too thick, too, but it’s mostly because of dogs like you. Dozens of hound-owned humans over the years have sealed the deal by exclaiming, “Doesn’t he smell like Fritos?” in a happy, loving voice. “Sure does!” I’ve said “Sometimes I smell the bottoms of his feet. They so Frito-y!” “I bet,” I’ve said. What I have not said is, “Yes, and that smell is caused by yeast and bacteria, and oils, and right ..read more