The list of items to take to my first sailing lesson concerned me.  It included, “a change of clothes,” followed by the comment, “You will get wet!”  Most of the items seemed fine – “sunglasses,” “US Coast Guard approved lifejacket.”  But I was alarmed to see the final item on the list – “rosary beads.”  Okay, the list DIDN’T include rosary beads, although I gave it serious consideration – and I’m not even Catholic. But the list did include the, “You will get wet!” warning. I had envisioned more of a “sip a glass of wine as I slowly glide toward the sunset” lesson.  I ..read more

The fact that the parking lot was a barren landscape was the first sign that I should have abandoned my plan to shop and immediately made my escape. Nevertheless, like the stupid teenager in the horror film who goes down into the basement to investigate where all the blood and screaming is coming from, I continued. Before you label me a weirdo for being up that early, let me defend myself.  I was up because I had to drop my sister off at the airport for her conveniently scheduled 5 a.m. flight. I entered the store and people were scattered everywhere, frantically restocking shelves.  ..read more

I recently made the enormous mistake of taking my blood pressure on one of those home testing machines.  When I saw the reading, it almost gave me a heart attack!  Let me put it this way, if my blood pressure was the stock market, we’d all be lighting cigars with hundred-dollar bills and sipping Dom Perignon.  My blood pressure was one nanoparticle from the zone labeled, “Seek medical attention now!” I took immediate action.  And by, “took immediate action,” I mean I whacked the machine a couple of times and tried it again.  Yikes!  The same shocking result.&nbs ..read more

Fun Fact: Jesus didn’t just have one disciple named Judas, he had two.  Seriously!  There was that infamous Judas Iscariot, the scoundrel that betrayed him, and a lesser-known Judas.  I spent an afternoon at the University of Oregon library researching the second Judas, because I wanted to know more about him and his full name.  It turns out his full name was, “The Other Judas.”  Can you imagine being the other Judas?  All day long, “Hey, I’m not THAT Judas!” Last year, about 25 babies in the US were named Judas.  Yikes!  Talk about a cross to bear!&nbs ..read more

I had the same TV for 20 years, but recently, family members started complaining.  They said the sound didn’t work.  I told them the sound DID work, you just had to do the following: 1. Turn the TV on.  2. Turn the TV off. 3. Wait eight seconds, until you hear a “click” sound. 4. Turn the TV on a second time. Voila!  Picture AND sound! They also complained that it wasn’t a “smart TV,” i.e., it didn’t get any of their fancy “streaming” channels.  Truth be told, the major obstacle I had with getting a new television was the thought of getting rid of the old Sony.  ..read more

The first time I met my daughter Zoe’s new dog, Junie, it walked over to me in a friendly manner, seemed to smile at me, and bit me.  Thankfully, I possess an amazing ability to react calmly to a crisis.  So, I screamed like a girl.  Zoe raced over and asked me if it drew blood.  I told her it didn’t, and then she announced: “Then it doesn’t count.” What the #@%?! Fun facts about Junie – First, Junie wasn’t really a “new” dog.  She was actually a “used” dog. My daughter and son-in-law got her from the pound.  (Probably on sale). Second, Junie is half Pitbull and ..read more

This story is absolutely true.  If you don’t believe me, I can produce a hundred witnesses to confirm its accuracy.  Okay, I can produce ONE.  But it’s my wife, and unlike me, she’s not an irredeemable liar.  DANGER: This story is a full-blown PG-13, so anyone with even a mild sensitivity to crude humor should cease and desist reading this PRONTO! Here it goes – My wife was on a guided bus tour of Seoul.  As it proceeded, a tour guide stood at the front of the bus and explained points of interest.  The guide was a native Korean, and her English was quite good.&nb ..read more

Okay, my wife didn’t tell me we were going to Chicago to get murdered.  What she actually said was, “I planned a trip for us to Chicago.”  My brain added the “to get murdered” part.  There are “vacation people” and “non-vacation people.”  I am a non-vacation person.  So, I was immediately irritated that I had to arrange time in my busy schedule to go to Chicago and get murdered. Before I know it, I’m butt cheek to butt check with my fellow coach passengers, waiting patiently for my tiny packet of Fiesta Mix, jetting east to Chicago. We land at O’Hare and head directly ..read more

The Killer Chair I consider myself overweight, but I do not consider myself “fat.”  I suffer from the same psychological affliction as drivers who travel 8 mph over the speed limit who look with distrain at those maniacs going 12 mph over the limit. That was until last night, when my world came crashing down – along with my fat a**. As my loyal readers know, I make it a point to take personal responsibly for all of my actions.  This is a character trait I guard with my life.  There are no exceptions.  Absolutely none.  Except this time.  This time, I have to blame ..read more

I just kicked a woman and her two young children out of the men’s bathroom at the Fred Meyer’s Department Store in downtown Portland.  Only… it wasn’t the men’s bathroom. Because I can’t blame myself, I’ll blame the store for its poor bathroom labeling practices.  (I should sue them.) Here’s how the whole thing went down. I walk into the Fred Meyers with my wife and promptly announce to her that I need to go hit the can. I march upstairs to where the bathrooms are, and I see the “Men” sign.  I hit a hard right and push through the door. There, standing smack dab in the middle ..read more