Why is it so hard to accept polygamy? Why is so excruciating to share my husband? When will I be able to feel OK about my husband having another wife? One reply to these sorts of questions I came across really struck me: you first have to accept you don’t own your husband.   ‘But of course I don’t own him!’ Well, we ideally don’t want to admit this, but there is often a sense of ownership there – ‘He’s my husband’, ‘He’s my other half’. ‘He’d never take a second wife, he wouldn’t dare!’ When we feel we own something, we have power over what happens to it. But no one owns anyone – Islam p ..read more

It has been so long since I wrote here – I have just had so much else on my plate recently (nothing to do with polygamy I might add!) that I have had to prioritise. But I know some of the readers, like it was for myself, have a hard time finding useful and supportive articles when they suddenly find themselves in polygamy. So I thought I’d share some useful tidbits from a co-wife coach Mecca Nandi for those experiencing polygamy (polygyny) for the first time on how to cross the bridge from despair about being in polygamy to being at peace and acceptance of the situation. “So there are go ..read more

When I first found out I was in polygamy, I really needed someone to talk to besides my husband. I needed to express myself, release what was inside of me, find out if what I was feeling was justified. It didn’t feel right to reveal everything to friends and certainly not relatives who would have been horrified. I didn’t know a counselor I could trust at the time and my only hope was Facebook where masha Allah I found a lot of support. But there’s only so much you can say to what are essentially strangers and who have their own lives to lead. So I began journaling my thoughts. And I am so glad ..read more

What is it that gets most women down when it comes to polygamy? Jealousy and injustice. These two are tightly interlinked, feeding each other; they tease or even bleed out negativity from anyone afflicted. Injustice (on the man’s part) throws fuel on the fires of jealousy whereas the opposite, justice, will act as cooling water. If a husband spends more time with one wife than the other for no apparent reason, is it not to be expected the wife with less time will feel hurt and jealous? One just way to vent your jealousy, if that’s your thing… And jealousy is a natural feeling for most wom ..read more

Apologies for the lack of posts recently. There are no exciting nor interesting reasons for this, just me having a bad cold. In fact polygamy is featuring less and less in my radar as I realize I have to confront the negative thoughts about the past and worries about the future, replace them with good ones, and enjoy each day as it is. So much appreciation is due to the author of the following article, Polygyny101, who is my guest this week on the blog, providing us with some excellent advice. Be sure to check out the blog for some more inspiration! Living in the Light Accept & Apprec ..read more

The roller coaster of emotions when you find out you are in polygamy, or even if you were informed, would probably  not pass health and safety inspections if a theme park were to ever install it – the Gs are just too much. But even once starting to be settled into polygamy, or if in it willingly either as a second (or third or fourth) wife, or if you actually encouraged your husband to take another wife, the roller coaster is still there, but this time may pass those inspections. You can be smiling, teeth dazzling any onlooker,  like those women in the polygamy shows on TV who seem t ..read more

Don’t like being in polygamy? Stop moaning and do something about it – you have the right to get a divorce. That’s the gist of a comment posted by I hope a well-meaning sister about my last post. She was disgusted by the way I am apparently judging someone’s iman if they ask for a divorce and that I am apparently saying a woman has no choice but to stay unhappy in a polygamous marriage.   Iman of course affects how someone reacts and accepts trials in their life. I’m not trying to judge someone about their faith, it’s just iman is one of many factors involved. A high level of trust in Al ..read more

I’ve been asked on several occasions how long it took me to accept being in a polygamous situation. Two metaphorical pieces of string are involved here. Firstly, what is acceptance? Yes, I accept polygamy is part of Islam – how can I deny that? Whether it is ‘right’ for our family, or my marital relationship is another matter.  Basic acceptance at logical level is the first step, and shouldn’t take so long if things are being done fairly and everyone involved  is following their religion. But being happy and grateful for the change in lifestyle I think is something that will likely t ..read more

Unless you’re living with your cowife (wives), being in polygamy is actually a case of living two lives: one as a married person and the other as a singleton. This may sound negative, but when looked at with a certain attitude, I think you can get the best of both worlds. Monogamy sits somewhere in the middle, and one could say, on the fence is a pretty boring place to be (if you let it). And being in polygamy can be a dark place to be – if you let it. So who wants to be single? Plenty of us made a huge effort to find a partner and now you’re talking about enjoying some spinster-like state ..read more

I recently came across a statement that made me think, and I paraphrase: Whenever the word ‘should’ is used, the chances are it’s oppression. So saying sentences like: ‘You should love polygamy, it’s the Sunnah’ ‘You shouldn’t feel jealous’ are generally as helpful as throwing a lead weight to a drowning person. And the person being addressed is screaming within (or maybe out loud) ‘But I do feel this way!’ or ‘I can’t love this!’ Maybe these responses are not always logical, maybe they’re not in line with the religion, but they’re there – despite being the opposite to what someone e ..read more