I want to talk a bit more about our mental frameworks for marriage. In particular, how we got those frameworks.  It’s rare to intentionally build a mental framework. We generally start with something we pick up from others, and modify it. So our framework for how a marriage should be, or how a wife should behave, is based on what we saw in our families and the families of friends. It has been modified based on the media we consumed. Most of us have a robust marriage framework before we’re doing any serious Bible reading or study. If we started with a framework based in part of the Bible ..read more

At the peaching workshop, we talked a good deal about the mental framework we apply to scripture. A framework can be a great tool for understating a passage, but it can also be a problem. If something falls outside our framework, do we just ignore it or, or do we see the problem and make adjustments? Do we force things to fit our framework that don’t belong there? Of course, this isn’t just an issue for studying the Bible. We have frameworks for understanding various things, including our wife and marriage. Does the framework you have for your wife and marriage help you understand and make go ..read more

I got home from my preaching workshop at 2 AM Saturday morning. My wife woke up, we talked a bit, then I crashed. She woke before me and let me sleep – which was great as I was very short on sleep from the time away. When I got up, I was going to go feed the 31 young chickens we have. Most of them are meat chickens, and they eat a lot. And bless my wife, she had done it so that I wouldn’t have to. The yard we have them in was put together quickly just before I left, and the gate is small and short. It’s not easy to get through, and is worse for Lori than for me. She did it while I was gone wi ..read more

I was reading a research study, and it started with this: Female sexual dysfunction (FSD) is a medicosocial problem and one of the most common complaints in sexually active women, affecting as many as 30-50% of them… If it affects 30% of women, that’s an epidemic. If it affects 50%, that’s a crisis! Thing is, multiple well done studies have found those numbers are right. Even worse, being raised in a legalistic Christian home increases the odds a woman has FSD. FSD is defined as problems with sexual desire, arousal, orgasm, and/or sexual pain, resulting in personal distress and/or problems w ..read more

This week I’m in El Paso, Texas attending a preaching workshop with the rest of the preaching team from our church. A decade ago, I could never have imagined attending such an event. It was about ten years ago, my pastor challenged me to do some sermons. I’d done a lot of teaching on marriage and sex, but preaching is a whole different skill set.  The first few sermons I did got positive comments from folks. But I knew I was far from polished, and I assumed people were being encouraging and kind. I kept preaching, mostly to help my pastor. But as I improved my study skills and presentatio ..read more

Last Tuesday I did a post about trauma. When I got to the coffee shop that morning, two of my friends from church were discussing the post, and one said it was probably his favourite I’ve ever done. Then I get home and see push back in the comments. And so it goes! The comment pointed out that the folks who lived through The Great Depression didn’t whine about it. This is true. However, The Great Depression resulted in the highest suicide rate this country has ever seen. They didn’t talk about it because doing so was far more likely to result in scorn and separation than empathy or help. So th ..read more

You can’t fix something if you don’t know how it works. And if you try, you will probably make things worse. If you have no idea how a car works, opening the hood when it won’t start isn’t going to help. And if you start banging on or pulling on things, odds are you will just add another problem that a mechanic will have to fix. The same dynamic occurs in relationships. If you don’t understand why your wife is upset, trying to fix the situation is a bad idea. Trying to understand what’s going on is good, but just banging or pulling will most likely result in additional problems that will need ..read more

I have a friend who had a significant stroke some years ago. Among other things, it messed up his sense of taste. He told me he was taught to retrain his sense of taste by choosing one type of food and eating that multiple times a week while focusing on the flavour. He started with seafood. He’s not recovered all of his taste, but there are now some foods he can enjoy. The same approach works with sex. Sometimes age or an injury makes the way a couple preferred to have sex difficult or impossible. Other times, one of them wants to expand the ways they can climax. While this is more common for ..read more

You may have noticed I am on a bit of a margin kick recently. So, a post about sex and margin was inevitable… I have said, and shown, that tiredness and busyness are major sex killers for women. Since margin is all about being less tired and less busy, this is a natural fit. However, it is more than just a better opportunity. One common complaint from wives is their husband rushes to have sex, and then rushes the sex. She wants more non-sexual time before sex, and she wants to move slower when she has sex. Margin allows you to do both without worrying you will run ..read more

Tuesday, I asked you to not minimise the trauma in your past. Today, I want to urge you to not minimise the trauma your wife has suffered. It’s easy to dismiss our wife’s trauma as insignificant because we don’t understand it. Aside from gender differences, she has a different mind, a different personality, and different life experiences. We can’t see her trauma from her perspective, so we don’t understand it. But if she’s not dealt with it, it still affects her, and your marriage.  As I said Tuesday, how badly trauma hurts us depends on many things. A “small” thing that happens over and ..read more