You said you wouldn’t and you fucking did.
Life on the Borderline | Living with Borderline Personality Disorder and Body Dysmorphia
by lifeontheborderlineblog
1y ago
Well… crap! Here we go again. Here I am in the same fucked up situation that is so heartbreakingly familiar that it’s almost laughable. It’s actually pathetic. A situation I absolutely knew was coming, but it’s still surprising in some way. A situation that I knew wasn’t going to end well for me but I avoided every red flag and ran straight towards it like red is my favourite fucking colour. I opened myself up to someone who I thought gave a damn. Who I thought cared about me. Who knew what I had been through and I thought would be “different” Turns out, there really is no different for me. Th ..read more
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The girl with daddy issues…
Life on the Borderline | Living with Borderline Personality Disorder and Body Dysmorphia
by lifeontheborderlineblog
1y ago
I am, what is annoyingly coined, a girl with Daddy issues. A girl abused by her father that so desperately seeks the protection he should have given, from other men. The same men I tend to find or seek, end up with similar narcissist and abusive traits. Disrespectful, harmful. And probably more frequently a man who is emotionally and usually physically unavailable. There’s a man in my life who has been my best friend for a long time. Until very recently, there had been nothing but friendship between us aside from some harmless flirting. However, a couple of weeks ago those lines got blurred an ..read more
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Sometimes your heart needs time to accept what your heart already knows?
Life on the Borderline | Living with Borderline Personality Disorder and Body Dysmorphia
by lifeontheborderlineblog
1y ago
Six years and 4 months. Six years and 4 months in a relationship that has come to an end. A relationship that saved me. That helped me grow. That helped me leave a relationship that was destroying me. But a relationship that wasn’t truly mine. A man who I loved. A man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. A man who I owe a lot of that life too. But a man who was only partly with me but almost all of him somewhere else. I can’t even put into words how much I love him. That kind of all consuming, life changing love that I never thought I would experience. I had always been told I was unlov ..read more
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The school that failed to notice…
Life on the Borderline | Living with Borderline Personality Disorder and Body Dysmorphia
by lifeontheborderlineblog
1y ago
33 years on this world and I have walked hand in hand with trauma for almost all them. A cycle of abuse that could have stopped. That could have been bought to an end if only the school, the teachers, the staff, the people that were there to help me grow and to keep me safe, had noticed. Noticed that for every day of my childhood I was living in a household of abuse. An alcoholic father who spoke mostly with his hands. Who shared his frustration through his fists. Who shouted with a slap. His anger shared through threats and name calling. Who could pick a fight for no reason knowing full well ..read more
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Why didn’t you keep me safe?
Life on the Borderline | Living with Borderline Personality Disorder and Body Dysmorphia
by lifeontheborderlineblog
1y ago
I can never truly understand why you didn’t keep me safe? For years, you sat back and you watched, you listened and you allowed endless abuse, pain, heartache. Every single time he called me a name, hit my across my face, used his hand to brand my skin. Every single time he hurt me, you didn’t stop him. I know more about domestic abuse now than I did as a kid, obviously. And I try so hard to understand that perhaps you were scared. Perhaps you couldn’t leave. Perhaps it wasn’t as bad as I remember? But I do remember. I remember the pain. The fear. Treading on egg shells every single day. Not k ..read more
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What’s holding me back?
Life on the Borderline | Living with Borderline Personality Disorder and Body Dysmorphia
by lifeontheborderlineblog
2y ago
I have been reflecting a lot recently. People often do that at the start of a new year, they look back at the year gone by and think of the things they want to change and then a New Years resolution is born. A resolution that in a week or so, will be no more and they usually revert back to doing the same things they wanted to change. I am no different except I don’t consciously make any form of New Years resolution, unless, I guess, you count the countless amounts of times I’ve kick started a diet after Christmas and failed miserably but my relationship with food and my complete dislike for my ..read more
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Today, I contemplated suicide
Life on the Borderline | Living with Borderline Personality Disorder and Body Dysmorphia
by lifeontheborderlineblog
2y ago
Today, for the first time In a while I flirted with the idea of death. I contemplated suicide. Ending my life and all the pain, suffering and struggle it brings me. I laid on my bed, in copious amounts of pain, wondering why I continue to suffer every day. Why I push to hard. Why I fight the urge to die. I considered death. I almost fantasised about the peace it would being ME. For the first time in a while I didn’t agonise over the pain it would bring the people around me. I just wanted to die. For the pain to end. Shortly after, my phone rang as a work emergency came in. I was called to a ho ..read more
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It’s not all bad…
Life on the Borderline | Living with Borderline Personality Disorder and Body Dysmorphia
by lifeontheborderlineblog
2y ago
Those of you who have stuck with me since I started this crazy blog will know 2016 was one hell of a bad year and 2017 was even worse. Someone commented on Friday that they thought I carry a tinge of sadness and loneliness in my eyes and I’ve been reflecting on that since. It hurt and surprised me. I have come to far in the last few years. I have grown, I have used every single ounce of courage and strength to almost completely reinvent the person that I am. To find recovery and to move forward in my life. I am not lonely. Sure, I feel lonely sometimes but I am no longer the isolated, abandone ..read more
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What’s the worst that could happen?
Life on the Borderline | Living with Borderline Personality Disorder and Body Dysmorphia
by lifeontheborderlineblog
3y ago
I’m so sick of hearing this phrase. The worst has already happened and it’s that experience, that memory and that trauma that’s holding me back. My friend convinced me to sign up to online dating on Friday. Something I vowed I would never do again after meeting a guy in 2017 who I genuinely believed was a nice, honest and decent man who on our second time meeting raped and beat me. Something that still haunts me to this day and something I just can’t get past. What did I miss? What did I do wrong? Why did he do that to me? How did I get it all so very wrong? So when I started speaking to a guy ..read more
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Sunshine and blue skies
Life on the Borderline | Living with Borderline Personality Disorder and Body Dysmorphia
by lifeontheborderlineblog
3y ago
It’s amazing how much the sun can impact on ones moods. Yesterday, the sun was shining so bright. The skies were blue. No clouds. No rain. Honestly it made my mood infinitely brighter. I went outside and felt the warmth on my skin and the sun in my eyes and I couldn’t help but smile. Winter sun is my favourite kind of sunshine. Summer is kind of my worst nightmare. As anyone who is not body confident will know, with summer comes the anxiety of what will I wear and just feeling uncomfortable for months whereas winter sun is full of the brightness and peace but I can hide away in my comfort jack ..read more
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