Half of a Soul – Life with BPD
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I am a lot of things, but for the purposes of this blog, I am a textbook case of borderline personality disorder (BPD). My intention is that this blog give others with BPD - as well as those that care about them - perspective, insight, and hopefully, even a little bit of hope, help or comfort regarding the nature of this very strange and overwhelming disorder.
Half of a Soul – Life with BPD
1y ago
To quote the opening line of one of the best movie trilogies of all time (comment if you know it): The world has changed.
Since I started this blog, the world, the internet, the mental health discussion, the general understanding of BPD have all undergone some pretty major shifts. And so have I.
In the years since I first heard the term “BPD,” I’ve obliterated some relationships, held onto others, traversed the globe, tried about a half-dozen therapists (lots to say on that score…) and countless “brands” of therapy and medication, and read around a truckload of self-help books. And I STILL hav ..read more
Half of a Soul – Life with BPD
1y ago
Photo by Johannes Plenio on Pexels.com
Hi, friends!
A belated happy new year, and sorry as always for the lack of posting. I still think of this site (and this topic) constantly, but the actual writing part seems to fall by the wayside in light of, well, living.
However, I’m hoping to transition or transform my existing content to a new platform sometime this year, and maybe even turn it into its own side project with the goal of benefitting anyone who has experienced any of same the mental health issues that I have. I can’t believe it but… slowly but surely, I really am healing, one step at a ..read more
Half of a Soul – Life with BPD
1y ago
Self-judgment: I definitely feel it almost every time I sit down to work on this blog now. Loud, brash, mean, and spiteful. I realize it’s been months and I realize I’ve let it slide and isn’t that just like me to go half-assed on something and what do I think I’m doing with my time and blah blah blah. Then I feel angry at myself and generally depressed and touchy and if my husband gently asks whether I’ve remembered to pick up hand soap (and I haven’t), I freak out and get defensive and wonder why I’m being so fucking over-sensitive and beat myself up for that instead, and the whole thing st ..read more
Half of a Soul – Life with BPD
1y ago
Life has been living up to this Mike Tyson quote lately, and in a way, I’m not overly surprised. Getting married about 10 months ago was a huge change for me, and not one that I felt entirely ready for. I don’t regret it… but I knew it’d be tough. Really tough. And maybe I’ve self-sabotaged a bit because of that knowledge, unconsciously waiting for it to get difficult until – SHOCK – it did.
These days, I manage my BPD (or I keep it in “remission,” rather) by keeping my environment and body as stable as I can. I actively avoid negativity/triggering things whenever possible, and I’m now that sh ..read more
Half of a Soul – Life with BPD
1y ago
An interesting hypothetical question that I used to ask myself all the time. Except I didn’t know what BPD was, so I’d ask it with respect to specific component/symptoms instead.
Ask yourself that question now (or if you don’t have BPD, ask a relevant version).
Would you still have an eating disorder if you lived entirely alone on a on a desert island? Would you still cut yourself on a desert island? Would you really be unable to get out of bed (or your coconut fibre hammock or whatever) on a desert island?
Your answer may be different from mine. For me the answer that came from within m ..read more
Half of a Soul – Life with BPD
1y ago
A somewhat airy-fairy title for an article from the Harvard Business Review, which is why it caught my eye as I was plodding through my usual work (i.e., providing source information for boring-ass business article after boring-ass business article).
Of course, it was mostly in relation to career stuff (it is HBR, after all), but I soon found myself engrossed in this piece, identifying more and more with the author’s thoughts on the many identities we try out (mentally or physically/actually) throughout our lives.
As I’ve written about many times, BPD and identity issues are inseparable ..read more
Half of a Soul – Life with BPD
1y ago
It could be the title of my ongoing autobiography. There are so many things that I’ve wanted to say to people and never did. Some of them are hurtful, or defensive, or damning. They are about being “right” and (self)righteous. But I don’t find it too hard to let go of those ones anymore. I think it’s probably for the best that they go unsaid (at least, unsaid to those people.)
What I truly regret not saying are the unspoken words of love, forgiveness, admiration, and truth. Why should it be hard to say those? I’m not sure – but I find myself totally incapable of speaking them.
Every time ..read more
Half of a Soul – Life with BPD
1y ago
Hello from the distant realm of IRL!
I could give all kinds of explanations as to why it’s taken me so bloody long to post on this blog (my significant other has a horrendous and all-consuming immune disease that was mistreated for months, we’ve had about five close family members get extremely ill or die in the last six months, work has been insane as I attempt to establish my own business, and oh yeah, I’M GETTING MARRIED?!), but the fact is…
I can’t stand not being perfect.
That’s the bald truth behind my lack of posts lately.
But wait… what sense does that make? When I’ve been at my ..read more
Half of a Soul – Life with BPD
5y ago
Photo by Johannes Plenio on Pexels.comHi friends a belated happy new year, and sorry as always for the lack of posting. I still think of this site (and this topic) constantly, but the actual writing part seems to fall by the wayside in light of, well, living.
However, I’m hoping to transition or transform my existing content to a new platform sometime this year, and maybe even turn it into its own side project with the goal of benefitting anyone who has experienced any of same the mental health issues that I have. I can’t believe it but… slowly but surely, I really am healing, one step at a ti ..read more
Half of a Soul – Life with BPD
7y ago
I’ve read and researched a lot about anger but it’s still, by far, the emotion I struggle with most. The Tara Brach quote “Anger is armour” comes back to my mind time and time again: I get it on a conscious level: anger is the protector, it shows us where we are vulnerable. In this way, anger is both the cage (protecting but hindering us) and the key (crucial in pointing out places where we need extra care or work). But I don’t truly get it on a subconscious level: Why do I get SO angry at the thought of being misunderstood, alienated, isolated, left alone with my unbearable emotions?
When I ..read more