Meeting new people… trying new activities… putting myself out there … all things that can send my brain into an anxiety induced spiral. I like to play out every horrible way the situation can go. It infiltrates my dreams and knocks down any bit of confidence I had about the situation by the time it is set to happen. But somehow I keep showing up to those events… I keep putting my name out there to lead groups/events… I do register for the workout class or language class where I know no one. In therapy so far I have downplayed the fact that even though I am scared and full of self-doubt, I do ..read more

I was really getting back into a groove of taking the “me” time to post to this little slice of the internet. But unfortunately the past 2+ weeks have been 100% driven by my Dutch intensive course. I didn’t really see or do anything during that time that didn’t have to do with that class. But I am happy to report the work was worth it… and I passed! Now on to starting the 5 exams needed to apply for permanent residency/citizenship in NL. You can apply for permanent residency or citizenship once you have lived in the Netherlands for at least 5 years (and making sure you didn’t leave the countr ..read more

While on a call Friday with a colleague, I shared with them how I had been struggling with burnout for awhile and started going to therapy. At this point I had been so open about my struggle that it didn’t seem like much of a share. But he took the time to say “Thank you Dani. That was something very personal and I thank you for sharing with me.” It is true that mental health, like most battles, is something that we own and we should dictate when and how people know about it. But it is not something we should feel that we need to hide due to potential ridicule from friends, family or the world ..read more

Holding myself accountable while also being gentle with myself is a seriously tough line to walk! I really wanted to get back into the weekly writing routine and here I am having missed 2 weeks. Dani - it’s okay. The world kept spinning and I didn’t have a massive panic attack. It occurred and now I can move on and share some of the highlights from the last 2 weeks. ONE We took our first weekend trip of the year with Laney to Texel Island (just a 2+ hour trip by car from Amsterdam) near end of June. This was one of the most dog-friendly places we have ever been. She was even able to join us on ..read more

Why can’t I be as accountable to myself as I am the others? My most recent of 347849343 examples I could share: This Post! Since the first therapy appointment, I shared with my therapist that I wanted to get back to writing in my little slice of the internet here. So she gave me the homework assignment to do that. Well okay sure. Let me just jump right back in after basically a 3-year hiatus. But I didn’t look back and I did it. Flash forward to 15 June and my therapist had to cancel our appointment last minute due to illness and we already had to skip our 22 June session as she would be on ho ..read more

One of the first things my therapist said to me in our initial session was “You are strong! To be able to function they way you do with the amount of negative self-talk, shows me how strong you are." This statement took me aback. For one thing, I know the amount of negative thoughts I have in my head isn’t normal. But for anyone to think I am strong for pulling myself out of bed every day and not just tuck away from the world - was something I didn’t expect. I have basically talked myself into thinking what goes on in my head is completely normal, expected and allowed. I really underestimate t ..read more

The title might seem like two separate thoughts, but they are so closely tied together. During my first therapy session, we were discussing a few topics: Problems Coping Mechanisms Core Thoughts Strengths After listing a number of items under each column, I was asked which was at the top of my Action list. For me? Coping mechanisms Over the years of working with/on fitness, eating disorders, weight loss & self-esteem, my toolbox of healthy Coping Mechanisms was full and varied. But unfortunately in 2023, they haven’t been working. Or maybe rather my brain/body wasn’t allowing the ..read more

I mean can anyone say the word purpose without thinking of the musical Avenue Q? Or is that just me? From the silence I feel like it is me and a tiny subset of the rest of the world, but a happy little subset that I am happy to be a part of. Where has my purpose gone? Well I would love to tell you. What I can tell you in my burnt out, anxiety filled brain is that the 3 things I was holding on to as a major part of my identity for a number of years all disappeared within a 3 month period. 1. I ended my #RONARunStreak on 26 December, 2022 on Day 1000. This was a hard decision, but between my ph ..read more

Let’s see what helped me accomplish this ..read more

Have you missed my word vomit? Here’s some for ya ..read more