I was cleaning out my desk the other day and came across a quote I'd written down several years ago. I'm not sure who said it, but the quote went something like this: If a relationship with someone or something isn’t a 9 or a 10, on 0-10 scale of fulfillment, then it might as well be a zero, and you would do best to let it go and drive on. My initial reaction was that the quote felt harsh and completely unreasonable. I thought to myself, "If I only had relationships or things in my life that were a 9 or 10, then I wouldn’t have much in my life!” I crumpled up that piece of paper to throw it in ..read more

While self-esteem develops in childhood, it rises and falls throughout our life based on a multitude of factors ranging from the messages we receive from others, the relationship we have with ourselves, the relationships we have with others, our performance at work, and our perception of our actions—especially failure, to name a few. Here are the three types of self-esteem... 1. Low self-esteem A person with low self-esteem justifies mistreatment from others. As a result, they may feel taken for granted, fear they are overly emotional for having a problem with how they are treated, and struggl ..read more

I’ve always thought sunflowers were a good metaphor for where to place our focus, as sunflowers always turn towards the light. For survivors of any kind of abuse, turning towards the light can seem impossible, as trauma often leaves a person feeling stuck in a pit of darkness, alone, scared, confused, overwhelmed, and hopeless. I’ve learned a lot about trauma over the years, and one of the biggest takeaways has been that waiting for the light to come back as bright as it was before isn’t a good strategy, as we could spend decades waiting for that to happen to no avail. The good news is that we ..read more

If you have ever been in a narcissistic relationship of any kind, you more than likely have experienced one of these top ten emotions people feel from a narcissistically abusive relationship. In fact, if you haven't experienced these feelings during a relationship with a narcissist, I would be very surprised. All ten of these feelings you may feel while involved with a narcissist are very normal... 1. Confused or Disoriented Because our relationship moved really fast—like whirlwind romance—but deep down we had the feeling that something was “off” yet couldn’t place it Because they told us t ..read more

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (c-PTSD) is a mental disorder found in both children and adults who have experienced repeated abusive events or other trauma. Not every person who has had an abusive relationship or experienced repeated trauma will develop complex post-traumatic stress disorder but many do. Every case of c-PTSD, is different. The symptoms of c-PTSD may include a combination of excessive feelings of guilt, emotional dysregulation, anxiety, dissociation, and interpersonal difficulties. Physiological symptoms, such as risk-taking behaviors (gambling, drug use, etc.), self-i ..read more

There are three strong social biases when it comes to abuse. Many people tend to think that abuse is only abuse if: a male is abusing a female; the abuse happens within a romantic relationship; the abuse is physical and frequent, resulting in a multitude of bruises or broken bones on a regular basis. Outside of these three elements, abuse tends to be minimized, or in some situations, even seen as appropriate, necessary, justifiable, or, when children are involved, good parenting. I’m going to cover each point one at a time, as abuse can only exist when there is confusion about what it is. Misc ..read more

The term "low self-esteem" brings up many thoughts and ideas. Some people might think that having low self-esteem means they don't like what they see in the mirror, are insecure, or that lack confidence. While this is how low self-esteem surfaces for some, the hard truth is that low self-esteem runs much deeper than what we consciously think about ourselves—it’s how we treat ourselves and where we set our standards for how we feel we deserve to be treated. I've come across countless survivors of abuse who think they have healthy self-esteem. They have an accurate view of themselves as well as ..read more

Even under the best circumstances, the holidays can be challenging. Thanksgiving and Christmas are behind us, the New Year and Valentine’s Day are two other times that people with problematic behavior tend to resurface. While we can’t control them, we can control how we respond, or, at a minimum, we can limit their access to us. We can do this by preparing ourselves so we aren’t caught off-guard by any unwanted communication from them, well-intended bad advice from others, or the uncomfortable emotions we might experience as a result. The ending of any relationship can be challenging, no matt ..read more

I’ve been doing weekly live streams on YouTube for close to six years now. If you’ve been with me during this time, you may know about many of the major life events that I’ve experienced. What you may not know, however, is the significance behind my red mug. This mug came into being ten years ago when my self-esteem was at an all-time low. I was fresh out of a “manipulationship” with a man that I would have described back then as my best friend and wonderful partner in life…until I found out that he wasn’t. In fact, he was the exact opposite—and the reason I came to learn so much about narcis ..read more

I was cleaning out my desk the other day and came across a quote I'd written down several years ago. I'm not sure who said it, but the quote went something like this: If a relationship with someone or something isn’t a 9 or a 10, on 0-10 scale of fulfillment, then it might as well be a zero, and you would do best to let it go and drive on. My initial reaction was that the quote felt harsh and completely unreasonable. I thought to myself, "If I only had relationships or things in my life that were a 9 or 10, then I wouldn’t have much in my life!” I crumpled up that piece of paper to throw it in ..read more