I genuinely never imagined that I would quote Boris Johnson, and I’m certainly not doing so for the sake of putting forward a personal political affiliation. But, in a recent public statement, Johnson said that the Covid-19 crisis has proved one thing, which is there really is such a thing as society. Over the past weeks, one important change that I’ve seen taking place is a radically increased need to reach out to friends and family across the globe. Zoom, Whatsapp, HouseParty, FaceTime and Skype have been set ablaze as we seek to reconsolidate our bonds with our personal diaspora of loved on ..read more

Hello everyone. I wanted to send a brief message out today, to let you all know that I will be working full-time, my usual hours, and will be offering online psychotherapeutic support through this time as well as face-to-face therapy. For my part, and yes, I feel nervous too, I would like to be able to offer any form of holding and containment which might be useful. I’m aware that doctors working in our country, whether in private or in the state, may find themselves facing a situation for which they feel unprepared, and that this might feel overwhelming, and at times even traumatic. I invite ..read more

Have you ever asked yourself, “Why does so-and-so keep going for the same type of partner even though their parents were abusive?” It may be a repetition compulsion. This is a Freudian concept on which we seek the familiar; he describes it as “the desire to return to an earlier state of things.” It’s a neurotic defense mechanism, an attempt to rewrite our histories. Imagine you are exposed to an abusive pattern with a primary caregiver, and at the time of exposure, you lack power. You have no control to change the situation. You might find yourself repeating the trauma and ..read more

In a recent blog post, I wrote about the sense of shame in our personal lives. I want to add a bit more to that by following through into considering shame in the relationship between partners. In the first post on shame, I described it as an indigestible and uncontainable emotion. Much like panic, deep shame is something which can flood us completely, causing us to behave in ways which don’t feel chosen but are more compelled. Shame is something which, because we find it so difficult to think about and talk about, we end up acting out, often in our most intimate relationships. In this post I ..read more

Shame is one of the most common forms of suffering. In my work over the past decade, I have been touched and saddened by how deeply and chronically people live with the experience of shame. It becomes a part of the texture of our lives. Something we go hurtling back to with every life stressor. Certainly, we all struggle in different ways, as we experience our shame differently, dependent on our emotional context. But shame is endemic, and we have to struggle with it. We have to think deeply about our personal shame and learn from it, because, without a doubt, some of our shame is helpful. It ..read more

Who can say why 2016 was so difficult for so many people. How is it possible that 2016 became a global phenomenon for being a bad year around the world. Social media seemed to promote and support this idea, as the 2016 despair filled Facebook and the like. I don’t really understand what this was all about in any great detail, but I would like to think about the idea in terms of how it influences people’s entry into the new year. Although our futures are essentially unpredictable, we can know to some extent where we are headed. Perhaps you have a precise plan in place which you apply creatively ..read more

The course of love: Alain de Botton I read this book recently following the recommendation of my own therapist, who herself found it beautiful, and very useful in her thinking about partnerships. The book is written as a novel, which is unusual for Alain de Botton, whose writings are typically not fictional. It tells the story of Rabih and Kirsten, a married couple journeying through their shared life, and engaging with the blessings and battles that accompany them as their relationship matures, breaks down, and matures again in cycles over time. As the two face the realities of life, at times ..read more

I’ve always struggled a bit to wrap my head around the idea of positive thinking, Popular psychology stresses that we think positively about those areas of our lives which cause us strain and sadness. The idea that we are often taught is that we should resist dwelling in our despair, and that we fight to hold on to a belief that everything will turn out for the best. The lesson that we are often taught goes something along the following lines: Negative thoughts attract negative outcomes. Positive thoughts attract positive outcomes. Somewhere in this lesson is the belief that we as human beings ..read more

I absolutely love working with families. This is a new aspect of my work as a therapist, and I have been working with families for about 2 years now. I value working with individuals as a thoroughgoing and intensive therapeutic approach. Sometimes, however, the best way to address a struggle is to acknowledge that it exists at the level of the family. When all the key players are in the room, as seems obvious, the difficulties which people experience in relation their families can emerge strongly in the moment, as opposed to in individual therapy, where these difficulties are spoken about outs ..read more

Part 2 – The intergenerational transmission of trauma This subject is particularly close to my heart. I have researched the intergenerational transmission of trauma, and have spent a lot of time with victims and their adult children. My aim has been to try and understand how it is that the children of parents who have survived interpersonal trauma come to repeat in their own lives some of their parents’ struggles, and come to feel many of the feelings which are associated with their parents’ trauma. I have spent time talking with mothers, and have had separate conversations with their adult ch ..read more