A Crime Against Nature
A WordPress.com humor blog by Russell Gayer
by Russell Gayer
3w ago
A few years ago, someone gave me a book entitled, Keep Your Brain Alive. I took this to mean the anonymous donor of this book wanted to preserve my brain in a glass jar for use in a future transplant—ala Dr. Frankenstein.  The book contains 83 Neurobic Exercises to prevent memory loss and increase mental fitness.  One of which is to brush your teeth with your nondominant hand. I gave it shot. My brain refused to cooperate. Instead of the bush moving up and down & back and forth, my toothbrush remained stationary, and my head bobbed up and down and side-to-side. Evidentl ..read more
Visit website
Wednesday Watchers
A WordPress.com humor blog by Russell Gayer
by Russell Gayer
1M ago
For Christmas, my daughter bought me a wonderful book entitled, Insults Every Man Should Know. For a man who was once told he was “sharp as a marble,” I’ve found this little tome extremely handy. Here are a few of my favorites:  “You look great in that Facebook pic. Did you learn Photoshop recently? “Who farted? Oh wait, that was you talking, wasn’t it?” “He does the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.” If you have a favorite slam you’d like to share, feel free to add it in the comments. If you’re new to Friday Flash Fiction, our hostess is the quick twitted Muggle-Wumps Wisoff-Fiel ..read more
Visit website
Who Names Prescription Drugs?
A WordPress.com humor blog by Russell Gayer
by Russell Gayer
5M ago
Have you ever wondered how prescription drugs get their names? Me neither, but now that you’ve asked, I’ll tell you. Big Pharma would have you believe the names are based on the molecular structure of the drug. This is only an inside joke to make patients feel stupid because they cannot pronounce the name. Every major pharmaceutical company employs a voodoo witch-doctor whose sole purpose is to name new drugs.  Here’s how it works. A pharmaceutical scientist points to the specific part of the body the drug is supposed to effect. The witch doctor then inserts a pin or needle into a voodoo ..read more
Visit website
High Falutin Eats
A WordPress.com humor blog by Russell Gayer
by Russell Gayer
7M ago
In all my years, I’ve never seen a deer cross the highway anywhere near a Deer X-ing sign. Some might argue that deer can’t read, but I think they’re just belligerent jaywalkers.  To drive home the message, the highway department should paint two lines across the pavement as a designated crosswalk. Then have game wardens regularly patrol the area. Any deer not obeying the laws designed to protect them (and us) should be pulled over and given a ticket. Once the deer get in line, perhaps the armadillos and possums would follow suit. It would also make it easier for the vultures to find a me ..read more
Visit website
Boot Camp
A WordPress.com humor blog by Russell Gayer
by Russell Gayer
1y ago
This week, we got a big snow—big by Arkansas standards, anyway—and everybody and their cousins posted pictures of it on Facebook. All except my cousin Jerry, that is. If ya called him, he’d say the power was out for a couple of days.  But I know better. He ain’t had time. You see, he suffers from a terrible disease known as Watching Snow Melt Disorder (WSMD).  Once it starts melting you couldn’t pry him away from the window with a 2 x 4. This one is melting so fast he’s having trouble keeping his chart updated with the rate per hour. He won’t eat or drink, just stares out the wi ..read more
Visit website
Day of Dysentery
A WordPress.com humor blog by Russell Gayer
by Russell Gayer
1y ago
A few days ago, I had a thought, which may surprise those of you who know me well.  I was writing my autobiography and came to the scene where Connie and I applied for a marriage license.  It occurred to me that this was the only type of license not requiring renewal. It has no expiration date. How strange. What if people DID have to renew them and carry a plastic card in their purse or wallet?. Would the Matrimony Patrol spot your wedding ring and demand to see your license? If caught flirting, would they write the offender a ticket and make him/her explain their actions i ..read more
Visit website
Parts is Parts
A WordPress.com humor blog by Russell Gayer
by Russell Gayer
1y ago
Earlier this week, I did one of those Cologuard tests where you poop in a bowl and send it to a laboratory to screen for signs of cancer in your colon. The test is incredibly easy for the contributor, but probably not so pleasant for the lab tech on the receiving end. After dropping off my sample at the UPS Store, I thought about all the other people I could mail my turds to. Wouldn’t if be fun to enclose one in a candy wrapper labeled Baby Donald and mail it to Mar-a-Lago? As a sentiment of my regards for the recipient, I would include a note saying “This is the best tasting candy bar ever. G ..read more
Visit website
Damaged derrières
A WordPress.com humor blog by Russell Gayer
by Russell Gayer
1y ago
How many of you have attended a tent revival?  Mom dragged me to one in 1967. It was scheduled during the hottest week of the summer and held in large army-green canvas structures.  Inside, the heat and odors were suffocating. If bottled, the fragrance would’ve been labeled Eau de Gym Locker. The evangelist was a silver-haired version of Ichabod Crane.  His boney fingers trembled even when he wasn’t pointing them at every lost sinner in the congregation. From his point of view, if you weren’t going to speak for an hour, why bother opening your mouth. Then came the ..read more
Visit website
Still Gettin’ Over It
A WordPress.com humor blog by Russell Gayer
by Russell Gayer
1y ago
A few weeks back my wife, Connie, went on a cleaning binge. According to the TV, Queen Elizabeth was fixin’ to turn 96 and the way Connie was working it appeared we would be hosting the celebration. My role in the preparations would be to scrub the toilet. While polishing the porcelain throne, I wondered if the Queen did her own paperwork, or if one of the aides-de-camp attended to wiping the royal arse. At her advanced age, the terrain nust be the texture of a prune. Bending over the bowl, I inhaled deeply, begging the bleach-infused cleaner to flush the aforementioned image from my ..read more
Visit website
Ring Around the Ankle
A WordPress.com humor blog by Russell Gayer
by Russell Gayer
2y ago
Lately, I’ve been feeling left out when listening to the conversation of friends my age and older. Most of them have some kind of aliment or medical condition they can ramble on about for hours. The only thing I had was an occasional flare-up of gout, which while extremely painful, was barely enough to rate an eyeroll among a crowd of suffering seniors. The Good Lord must’ve taken notice of my silence on the sidelines. A few weeks ago, I noticed a tenderness under my right knee cap. The pain continued to grow, followed by inflammation. A visit to the orthopedic clinic revealed I had cracks in ..read more
Visit website

Follow A WordPress.com humor blog by Russell Gayer on FeedSpot

Continue with Google
Continue with Apple
OR