Robot Vacuum turns to the Dark Side. Vacuville, SD – A freaked out family of four has won its lawsuit against its very own robot vacuum cleaner. In this landmark case, Harold and Hannah Hoover filed criminal charges against their Mister Suction Robo-Vac vacuum cleaner machine. The Robo-Vac Model 3000 allegedly forced the entire Hoover family into their food pantry, locked the door, and then had its way with all the belongings in their South Dakota home. This is apparently a disturbing new trend that experts are beginning to see with robotic AI home devices. “Somehow some of these artificiall ..read more

Wear an anti-musk mask to avoid being overcome by the pungent odor from the beastly migrating oxen. Fargo, ND – While North Dakota is still dealing with the Covid crisis, it will soon also have to contend with a Bovid crisis. Thousands of musk ox from the Bovid family of large hoofed mammals will soon be doing its annual migration. Because of climate change, this year’s route is going to bring an extremely large group of the strong musk-smelling animals through the Fargo area. Authorities are recommending that the public wear masks when outside due to the powerful musky odor emitted by the m ..read more

Question: What is the mask strategy? Answer: To not do anything that would effectively slow the spread of the coronavirus. West Fargo, ND – Rather than imposing a mask mandate like neighboring Fargo finally did, West Fargo’s wizards of smart decided to implement a Mask Strategy. You may ask: What is West Fargo’s mask strategy? Apparently West Fargo’s mask strategy is to “strongly encourage” the wearing of masks without hurting the feelings of any pandemically-challenged people who think wearing a mask is just too difficult. (Most anti-maskers realize too late that being intubated is a lot mo ..read more

What really matters? Salt Lake City, Utah – Here are some important questions and answers regarding the October 7th Vice Presidential debate between Senator Kamala Harris and Vice President Mike Pence. Q: Who do you think won this debate? A: Black Flies Matter. Q: What will be the historical take-away from this debate? A: Black Flies Matter. Q: What do you think Mike Pence would like to change about this debate? A: Black Flies Matter. Q: What do you think was the key moment during the debate? A: Black Flies Matter. Q: Besides the plexiglass, what stood out during this debate? A: Black Flies ..read more

After 30 years, this Big Mac tasted almost as good as the day it was made. Fargo, ND – Mr. Cambi Gold of rural Fargo recently discovered something in the back of his refrigerator that had apparently been there for 30 years. To Mr. Gold’s amazement, his 30-year-old Big Mac sandwich looked almost exactly the same as it did three long decades ago. Since it still looked good enough to eat, Cambi decided to warm it up in his oven and give it a try. Cambi Gold in his own words: “I was pleasantly surprised to taste that Big Mac flavor that everyone expects when they’re fresh off the McDonald’s gril ..read more

Carry a baseball bat to “deal with” baseball-sized mosquitoes! Fargo, North Dakota – Planning any outdoor activities? Better bring a baseball bat! Experts agree that this summer’s rainy pattern has been ideal for the formation of a bumper crop of unusually large mosquitoes. Our Dr. Goombi Quist admits that “some of the mosquitoes in the greater Fargo-Moorhead area are so large that they don’t fit into the mosquito collection traps used by Vector Control.” While citronella candles are flying off the shelves in a minimal effort to deal with the needle-nosed menaces, so too are baseball bats. D ..read more

Rather sedate attendees expected to attend West Fargo’s new Xanax Fest West Fargo, ND – A new festival coming to the Red River Valley should appeal to anyone who enjoys a more sedate lifestyle. Xanax Fest was the brain child of Nira Vam and her super laid-back boyfriend UpJohn. Mellow music from the relaxing band Alpra Zolam will calm the already placid audience. “We believe that Xanax Fest will be a serene and restful happening,” says Nira Vam, who hopes this will be the first of many Xanax Fests. Paranoia counselors from the Pfizer Corporation will be on hand (in curtained privacy tents) f ..read more

Wear a mask like Spiderman! Spider Island, Wisconsin – Spiderman says one reason he wears a mask is to not catch the coronavirus from people who aren’t wearing a mask. Just like Spiderman’s mask, your mask should completely cover your mouth and nose with a snug fit. “If it makes sense for doctors to wear masks during surgery, it makes just as much sense for you to wear a mask during a pandemic,” says Spiderman. Besides washing his hands frequently, Spiderman also tries to always social distance by staying at least six feet above others ..read more

We put the Fun in Funeral! West Fargo, ND – Gone are the days when funerals were melancholy, mournful, and morose. Zeitgeist Funeral Home believes funerals should be a fun celebration. Dr. Agustine Elefritz created Zeitgeist Funeral Home to put some serious fun into serious funerals. “At Zeitgeist, we don’t see why funerals can’t have some colorful balloons and streamers, along with happy upbeat music and fun games that make people feel good,” says Dr. Elefritz. Zeitgeist Funeral Home offers many different Fun Packages from which to choose. Dr. Elefritz tells people that “if you want a funer ..read more

Cassette tapes are now constantly rolling at our FMO Corporate Office Park. West Fargo, ND – On the advice of counsel (who part-times as a bouncer), the FM Observer has unanimously voted to begin tape recording all aspects of our entire corporate operation. We believe that this will help us: 1. be more “in tune with the times”, and also 2. help document all forgotten ideas, names, directions, and warnings 3. which may come out of any of our numerous meetings, interviews, discussions, and arguments 4. which can literally transpire at any and all times of the day and/or night. Plausible deniab ..read more