Today, March 7, 2022, is the 10th anniversary of my bipolar diagnosis. In some ways it seems like it was only yesterday that I heard the words proclaiming the nature of my “nonconformity”, but in others I feel like I’ve lived the longer part of my life with it. As indeed I have; I was bipolar long before I ever got the label, and I suspected it a full decade before I sought help. Well, I didn’t exactly seek help, I had it thrust upon me by my internist, who got tired of prescribing various antidepressants for a patient who had problems with all of them. He said I had something too serious for ..read more

Well, it’s finally happened—I’m in the middle of a good old-fashioned mixed bipolar phase. I’ve been anxious and irritable for weeks, then depression and agitation joined the merry mix about a fortnight ago. The fact that I am currently unstable disappoints the hell out of me…I’d been doing so well for so long that I even thought I might never have another episode. Well, as they say, pride goeth before a fall, and my pride has fallen… straight down the toilet. This is nowhere as bad as previous episodes have been. I’m not on my knees in the middle of the night washing the bathroom tiles and so ..read more

Has anyone ever noticed that the longer they remain stable, the less serious their illness seems to be? It’s weird. I know I went through a lot in the early years of my bipolar diagnosis, but it all seems like it happened to someone else. I didn’t start this blog till 2013, but I have spotty memories of a couple of manic whing-dings from 2012 when I completely lost my shit. I was newly diagnosed then and had not yet learned what my disordered brain was capable of. That became clearer when I started documenting my episodes. Now I can go back into the archives to see what a hot mess I really was ..read more

I know, it’s been months since my last post, and I’m surprised I still have readers (I know—I’ve checked my stats). But for someone who doesn’t have a lot to do, I’ve done a lot this summer, not the least of which was a trip to Mexico with family in early August. Now that was an experience…one none of us will ever forget. Oh, it all started off innocently enough. We got off the plane in Puerto Vallarta and discovered our reservation at one resort had accidentally been canceled, so Ben had to find another one, FAST. We ended up at a nice hotel that had a 1930s ambiance and an unfortunate number ..read more

I know, I know, I’ve let too much time pass between blog posts, but life has been in a swirl of randomness and it’s hard to grab onto something solid to talk about. Not to worry, I remain very stable and have made it through the spring without even a hint of hypomania. But the generalized weirdness is not conducive to good writing, so please excuse me if this post is a bit odd. I’ve been to see Dr. Young twice since my last entry, and I not only got the expected diagnosis of bipolar 1 (again), she also diagnosed me with anxiety. As a separate issue. After all these years of it being wrapped up ..read more

Dear Readers: I’m sorry I haven’t posted recently. There’s been a lot going on, but it’s nothing I particularly needed to share (and I’ve also been really lazy). I’m happy to say that I’ve survived the winter without falling into depression, and that it’s almost silly season and there’s no hint of mania either. Huzzah! What brings me here today is that March 7 marks nine years since I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I look back and I’m amazed at the changes that have taken place since then. What was once murky and ill-defined is now clear as a bell; my life makes sense now, even as I face ..read more

Yeah, that’s a word I made up. I’m stressed out, but I feel festive too and am enjoying the holiday atmosphere that Ben has created in our house. The tree is up—my wonderful 7 1/2-foot artificial pine is finally getting some use after six years in storage—and there are lights draped over everything that’ll stand still, just like when the kids were growing up and I went balls-to-the-wall on everything Christmas. I like watching my son decorate. He enjoys it every bit as much as I did, even though he’ll bitch about tangled light strands and struggle with the staple gun. He’s never punctured hims ..read more

I love my new psychiatrist. We had our first meeting this morning, and I was immediately impressed with her command of my medical and psychiatric history. I could tell she’d done her homework by the questions she asked, such as whether some of my mood episodes correspond with the seasons and what I do when my anxiety flares up. We talked for almost a solid hour, and she was bright and eager and intuitive. Hereafter she will be called Dr. Young, because she might be in her early 30s…if that. But I won’t hold that against her, especially since she also treated me with the appropriate deference w ..read more

I’m actually a little late in writing this post because it’s almost over, but the first full week in October is, indeed, Mental Illness Awareness Week. (This is different from May, which is Mental Health Month.) I don’t know exactly how (or if) it should be celebrated, but for those of us who carry a mental illness diagnosis, it’s another way our voices can be heard. So much stigma is still attached to MI, but we are making progress. Look at all the commercials we see on TV nowadays for psychiatric medications. There’s one for bipolar depression; another for bipolar 1 specifically; still anoth ..read more

If 2020 was a drink, it would be colonoscopy prep. I’m not kidding. This year has been such a clusterf### that I don’t think there’s a person alive who isn’t feeling the stress. Covid-19, bad weather, civil unrest in the streets, and another nasty political season have us tied up in knots. There isn’t much going right this year, and once it’s over I hope no one ever mentions it again. The hell of it is, the stress feeds on itself. I’ve been leaning on Klonopin more than I’d like, just because I hate waking up anxious over stuff I can’t do anything about. I got T-boned in a rental car a couple ..read more