Kris Knoblauch flips big switch in office from ‘split up McDavid and Draisaitl’ to ‘play McDavid and Draisaitl together’
The Beaverton
by Luke Gordon Field
14h ago
EDMONTON – With the Oilers facing elimination in their series with the Vancouver Canucks, Oilers head coach Kris Knoblauch has taken the bold choice to flip the big red switch in his office and play his two superstars together. “Last game we were outplayed and struggled to score,” said Knoblauch as he strained to get […] The post Kris Knoblauch flips big switch in office from ‘split up McDavid and Draisaitl’ to ‘play McDavid and Draisaitl together’ appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more
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Google announces plan to shove AI into all its products then eventually remove AI from all its products
The Beaverton
by Mary Gillis
1d ago
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA – At its annual developer conference, Google has proudly unveiled the numerous AIs it will be forcing into its products until some point in the not-too-distant future when every AI is quietly removed with no fanfare. “Google has always been at the forefront of jumping on trendy techno bandwagons and then abandoning […] The post Google announces plan to shove AI into all its products then eventually remove AI from all its products appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more
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Olympic anti-sex beds to be donated to college dorms
The Beaverton
by Alix Markman
1d ago
PARIS – After much deliberation leading up to this year’s event, the International Olympics Committee has decided what to do with the Olympic Village’s infamous anti-sex beds – they will donate them to college dorms. “This was simply a decision we could not sleep on much longer,” says Olympic spokesman Thaddeus Jensen. “Seriously, we haven’t […] The post Olympic anti-sex beds to be donated to college dorms appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more
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BREAKING: Makers of 9-in-1 body wash admit it’s just laundry detergent
The Beaverton
by Shane Murphy
2d ago
OTTAWA — In a stunning revelation that has shaken the personal care industry to its core, the makers of Düush+, a popular men’s 9-in-1 body wash, have admitted that the product is actually just laundry detergent. Max De Groot, the founder and CEO of RealSuds, made the announcement during a press conference on Tuesday. “It’s […] The post BREAKING: Makers of 9-in-1 body wash admit it’s just laundry detergent appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more
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Poilievre throws hat in the ring to be Trump VP pick
The Beaverton
by Jen MacIntyre
2d ago
PALM BEACH, FL — Following weeks of speculation about who Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump will choose to run with him as VP, reporters and political junkies have been thrown a curve ball with Canada’s Progressive Conservative Party leader Pierre Poilievre’s surprise announcement that he would be honoured to take on the role. “Thanks to […] The post Poilievre throws hat in the ring to be Trump VP pick appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more
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Sad about Alice Munro’s death? Here are 5 Alice Munro short stories that will make you way sadder
The Beaverton
by Luke Gordon Field
3d ago
Alice Munro, the Nobel prize winning author, master of the short story, and person who wrote the best description of the human penis in all of literary history, has passed away at the age of 92. While the rest of the country spent decades arguing about what makes a piece of art Canadian or not, […] The post Sad about Alice Munro’s death? Here are 5 Alice Munro short stories that will make you way sadder appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more
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Entire province of New Brunswick buried with Arthur Irving to accompany him in afterlife
The Beaverton
by Tristan Bradley
4d ago
SAINT JOHN, NB – Following an elaborate series of funeral rites, employees of J.D. Irving’s funerary services division have completed the entombment of New Brunswick’s residents and land into the crypt of Arthur Irving, so that they may accompany him in the afterlife. “And now it is done,” said the priest, sealing the granite slab […] The post Entire province of New Brunswick buried with Arthur Irving to accompany him in afterlife appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more
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To deter thefts, Loblaws to force customers to eat entire content of shopping carts before leaving store
The Beaverton
by Eric Turkienicz
5d ago
BRAMPTON, ON – In their ever-increasing efforts to prevent customers from leaving the store without paying for their goods, grocery monolith Loblaws will now force all patrons to consume everything they have purchased before leaving the store. “This is a tough, but fair, scenario, which our loyal customers are sure to understand,” said Sidney Davies, […] The post To deter thefts, Loblaws to force customers to eat entire content of shopping carts before leaving store appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more
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Biden pledges to not smile the next time he gives Netanyahu one billion dollars
The Beaverton
by Geoff Cork
5d ago
Washington, D.C. – US president Joe Biden has finally made clear his position in regards to the mounting war in Gaza, stating he will not smile the next time he gives Netanyahu a large sum of money. “I believe this stance shows my strong decision in terms of the mounting conflict,” stated Biden on Sunday. […] The post Biden pledges to not smile the next time he gives Netanyahu one billion dollars appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more
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Toronto’s expansion WNBA franchise mathematically certain to win their league championship before Leafs do
The Beaverton
by Luke Gordon Field
6d ago
TORONTO – Former MLSE chair Larry Tanenbaum is reportedly set to bring an expansion WNBA franchise to Toronto for the start of the 2026 season, who will undoubtedly win their league championship way before the Leafs win the Cup. “If there’s one fact of life it’s that every new Toronto sports team will win before […] The post Toronto’s expansion WNBA franchise mathematically certain to win their league championship before Leafs do appeared first on The Beaverton ..read more
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