Help! Please don't click the “skip” button just yet! I'm terribly sorry to interrupt your viewing of the video “LOUDEST GRUNTS IN WOMEN'S TENNIS VOL 6,” but I desperately need your help! I, His Majesty the King, have become inexplicably trapped inside a grotesque prison of suffering, where I'm most certain to meet an unseemly doom once the room fills with the green toxic sludge pouring from that pipe in the wall! That is unless you can summon enough courage, strength, and wisdom to open the app store on your mobile device, download this game, and begin arranging blocks according to color and s ..read more

Why do we plant trees? Here at ExxonMobil, we’re constantly looking for ways to enrich our most vital shareholder: the planet. That’s why, for every barrel of oil purchased by consumers like you, we’ll plant a tree. Trees are Mother Nature’s little rockstars: they beautify metropolitan Houston, our beloved corporate abode; they create shade to counteract the catastrophic warming we pretended not to know about for decades; and they suck carbon from the atmosphere, which is critical since we’re in the business of adding it back! How does the tree planting program work? For every barrel of oil so ..read more

You wish to know who it is who has possessed your child’s body? Very well. I am known by many names. Satan. Lucifer. The Prince of Darkness. The King of Corruption. The Monarch of Malevolence. The Sultan of Sin. The Higher-up of Heinousness. The Boss From Hell. Jonathan Evil, the man who evil is named after. The Wonder From Down Under. Mr. Candle, because I’m wicked. Yes, I have walked this Earth under countless forms for countless years. You have called me the Anti-Christ. Bizarro-God. The Divinaughty. Providen’t. The horn in horny. The original Pitchfork Media. The devil you know. Deadly Do ..read more

Hey Google, play “Baby Shark.” Hey Google, play “Baby Shark” again. Hey Google, play “Baby Shark” again and again and again and again, ad infinitum, until we are all hurled ceaselessly into the void. Hey Google, play “BABY SAID” by Måneskin even though I know that’s not actually the song my toddler wants to hear, but the title is similar enough to give me plausible deniability that I’m still giving her what she asked for, and I’ll at least get to hear a few seconds of a different song before she realizes it isn’t “Baby Shark” and starts having a meltdown, prompting me to ask you to play “Baby ..read more

Dear applicant, We regret to inform you that despite the quality of your application, we will not be offering you a position at this time. We know how much time and effort you put into your cover letter and resume, and it showed. Actually, it was probably the best application we read. We really regret the fact that we aren’t offering you the job. We don’t get applicants like you every day. You’re not like all those other people. We should have recognized that when we had the chance. But we didn’t. So we’re writing to let you know we’ve chosen to go a different direction with a different applic ..read more

Welcome to Caruso’s family restaurant! We are an authentic Italian restaurant, bringing the incredible tastes of Sicily right to your neighborhood. Our menu offers a tantalizing array of original and cultivating Italian cuisine, hand-crafted daily in our humble kitchen. To us, the most precious memories in life aren’t remembered in your head. They’re remembered in your stomach. Dine with us today! Our menu? Certainly. Go ahead and click on “Menu” in the upper left hand of the page here. Under that incredibly zoomed-in picture of a fork dangling some pasta, you’ll see the word “Menu.” You find ..read more

My stepdad Art used to say that he wasn’t a stepfather, he was a father who stepped up. So, what is he now that due to my mom’s pending divorce proceedings, he has been forced to step down? To think that blood or marriage are necessary to intertwine the lives of two strangers ignores a whole world of beautiful and unexpected relationships. Just because Art isn’t my stepdad anymore doesn’t mean he has to stop playing an active role in my life. Here are but eight of the many roles my stepdad can play in my life now that my mom has divorced him. 1. A chauffeur who drives me to and from my mom's h ..read more

The Airport Run Realizing he let the love of his life get away, the hero calls an Uber to the airport during peak surge pricing. Twenty-three minutes and $87 later, he jumps into a beat-up sedan that looks nothing like the car on the app, and they pull into rush hour traffic. At the airport, the hero purchases a cheap plane ticket and inches through a series of long, winding security lines. He realizes his dad was right: he really should have purchased TSA PreCheck. Thankfully, he reaches the heroine’s gate with time to spare, because her flight was delayed five hours (and ultimately canceled ..read more

Congratulations. You’ve been bumped up from Triple-A and have officially made it to The Show. “The Show” is what we players call the major leagues, but of course you knew that already—you’re a goddamn baseball player! But you still have a lot to learn, buddy, if you want to stay with us in the Majors. It’s not all caviar and champagne; just some of it—like 40 percent. SHUT UP! Don’t speak. I have a lot to say. First off, you should know who you’re talking to. I’ve been left fielder on this team for 50 years, which means I’ve been around the block a few times, 50 times to be exact. Rumor has it ..read more

For immediate release to the Belleview Homeowners Association: Dear neighbors, First of all, I want to thank everyone who has come by the yard sale and made a purchase. Now that the kids have moved out of the house, it was my pleasure to pass the winter sleds along to Amanda and Tom’s family. Likewise, I was relieved to finally hand off my baseball card collection to the Patterson kiddos. And Randall, I hope you put that fishing rod and tackle box to good use. Catch a big one for me. However, the “For Sale” sign displayed prominently on my lawn has caused quite a stir. Let me be clear: my hous ..read more