I'm falling Again My knees are weak Again She's back She is mine Or, I am hers? Her whispers are roars Again I'm here wondering Will it end, again ..read more

Welp. First breakfast I've had in two weeks. I FEEL SO GUILTY. I'm past the hump. Mostly slept through it. There's nothing I can do now. And that feels defeating. Even though this is a small victory. It's one that's kicking me while I'm down ..read more

If I'm honest, it's taking over. My mind is constantly going. My focus is on food or lack there of. Everything outside of that focus is blurry and hard to reach. I'm just going through the motions now. Functioning but only just. It's not fair to those who depend on me. I feel like such a waste of space. That the space I take needs to shrink, quickly. And that, well, that's not fair to me. Expectations are high and I'm falling short.  ..read more

"You feel in love with a storm. Did you really think you would get out unscathed?" I feel in love with her so many years ago. She was the storm I was mesmerised by. I did everything she asked. Until I realized, she wasn't this angelic creature trying to save me. Rather this entity consuming and breaking me apart from the outside. She was my Anorexia. Fast forward. I've done a lot of really hard work. Realized she was killing me. Accepting that I needed her to stay alive at the same time. She faded out. Recovery was short-lived and she was quickly replaced by Bulimia. Dark and twisty. Impul ..read more

I'm struggling with a concept. The idea of being grounded in the present while simultaneously hoping for a better future. I know it's a dialectic and it's an and/also situation, but I'm struggling with grasping it. Trying to work through staying grateful and wanting more. I'm sure it's about balance at the core but how to get there is beyond my knowledge. I've recently started spiraling into a relapse. One that is both comfortable and unwelcome. It's not that there's no hope in the situation, or that I can't connect with the hope which is present. It's more like lack of faith in the hope. I've ..read more

She wanted to escape from her home She needed escape from her hell She ran off Very far away To see the cherry blossoms Arriving in South Korea  Alone Quarentine lay ahead She wrestled her demons In hopes to see the cherry blossoms Her monsters,  They grew While she waited in angst Again back at the surface No more promise of cherry blossoms Once she got out of quarentine Monsters, Demons, Scars, All that remained Cherry blossoms faded But,  They left in their wake New green to be touched Beneath the pain A world waiting in vain hopes She pleaded with her insides To ma ..read more

..read more

It was innocent She, I, veered at photos Photos from long ago Barely a woman staring back Dead eyes No smile I remember the time as a blur That dress The scale The tube Haunting images Skin and bones Yet, as miserable as I was I want her back Not the person Just the body Unfair To ask Now I sit in tears Refusing who I am; A sister, poet, and friend Someone in recovery Toss me? Keep her? There is no place where we collide It's me or her You see? I know And, thus begins The fight again ..read more

You are below meLike an ant to a tree branch You are physically on the ground My mind conjours this up: to get even I must now down I intently focus on whatever number you spit out It means nothing to you which I cannot fathom Years of my life I worshipped That definition of my worth I cried, begged, and pleaded you to change your mind about me Lost in a losing game Now, here is a reality check You define gravity But certainly not me ..read more

She confined me in a box.Now I, her. We are not even though. She stole a piece of my soul. Like a thief in the night. I want it back. Unfortunately, there is no way. I instead have to regrow. What I now lack I will not quite ever have back. She has not won. She's equipped with words but no gun. I will grow and flourish. A brand new me. Whole, yet new. Green to the world. Afresh. A box with a pretty now no more ..read more