Stephanie Stone - Unraveling the Knots
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Stephanie Stone, 25 years old young woman struggled with anorexia nervosa since the age of 13 and have been in treatment for over a year of my life combined. Now she is on journey to recovery from ana and wishes to share her story through this blog.
Stephanie Stone - Unraveling the Knots
4y ago
I'm falling
Again
My knees are weak
Again
She's back
She is mine
Or, I am hers?
Her whispers are roars
Again
I'm here wondering
Will it end, again ..read more
Stephanie Stone - Unraveling the Knots
4y ago
Welp. First breakfast I've had in two weeks. I FEEL SO GUILTY. I'm past the hump. Mostly slept through it. There's nothing I can do now. And that feels defeating. Even though this is a small victory. It's one that's kicking me while I'm down ..read more
Stephanie Stone - Unraveling the Knots
4y ago
If I'm honest, it's taking over. My mind is constantly going. My focus is on food or lack there of. Everything outside of that focus is blurry and hard to reach. I'm just going through the motions now. Functioning but only just. It's not fair to those who depend on me. I feel like such a waste of space. That the space I take needs to shrink, quickly. And that, well, that's not fair to me. Expectations are high and I'm falling short.  ..read more
Stephanie Stone - Unraveling the Knots
4y ago
"You feel in love with a storm. Did you really think you would get out unscathed?"
I feel in love with her so many years ago. She was the storm I was mesmerised by. I did everything she asked. Until I realized, she wasn't this angelic creature trying to save me. Rather this entity consuming and breaking me apart from the outside. She was my Anorexia.
Fast forward. I've done a lot of really hard work. Realized she was killing me. Accepting that I needed her to stay alive at the same time. She faded out.
Recovery was short-lived and she was quickly replaced by Bulimia. Dark and twisty. Impul ..read more
Stephanie Stone - Unraveling the Knots
4y ago
I'm struggling with a concept. The idea of being grounded in the present while simultaneously hoping for a better future. I know it's a dialectic and it's an and/also situation, but I'm struggling with grasping it. Trying to work through staying grateful and wanting more. I'm sure it's about balance at the core but how to get there is beyond my knowledge. I've recently started spiraling into a relapse. One that is both comfortable and unwelcome. It's not that there's no hope in the situation, or that I can't connect with the hope which is present. It's more like lack of faith in the hope. I've ..read more
Stephanie Stone - Unraveling the Knots
4y ago
She wanted to escape from her home
She needed escape from her hell
She ran off
Very far away
To see the cherry blossoms
Arriving in South Korea
Alone
Quarentine lay ahead
She wrestled her demons
In hopes to see the cherry blossoms
Her monsters,
They grew
While she waited in angst
Again back at the surface
No more promise of cherry blossoms
Once she got out of quarentine
Monsters,
Demons,
Scars,
All that remained
Cherry blossoms faded
But,
They left in their wake
New green to be touched
Beneath the pain
A world waiting in vain hopes
She pleaded with her insides
To ma ..read more
Stephanie Stone - Unraveling the Knots
4y ago
It was innocent
She, I, veered at photos
Photos from long ago
Barely a woman staring back
Dead eyes
No smile
I remember the time as a blur
That dress
The scale
The tube
Haunting images
Skin and bones
Yet, as miserable as I was
I want her back
Not the person
Just the body
Unfair
To ask
Now I sit in tears
Refusing who I am;
A sister, poet, and friend
Someone in recovery
Toss me?
Keep her?
There is no place where we collide
It's me or her
You see?
I know
And, thus begins
The fight again ..read more
Stephanie Stone - Unraveling the Knots
4y ago
You are below meLike an ant to a tree branch
You are physically on the ground
My mind conjours this up: to get even I must now down
I intently focus on whatever number you spit out
It means nothing to you which I cannot fathom
Years of my life I worshipped
That definition of my worth
I cried, begged, and pleaded you to change your mind about me
Lost in a losing game
Now, here is a reality check
You define gravity
But certainly not me ..read more
Stephanie Stone - Unraveling the Knots
4y ago
She confined me in a box.Now I, her.
We are not even though.
She stole a piece of my soul.
Like a thief in the night.
I want it back.
Unfortunately, there is no way.
I instead have to regrow.
What I now lack I will not quite ever have back.
She has not won.
She's equipped with words but no gun.
I will grow and flourish.
A brand new me.
Whole, yet new.
Green to the world.
Afresh.
A box with a pretty now no more ..read more