I began writing this piece nearly 6 months ago. It was too painful then to complete it. Today I was ready to face it again. Content: Mention of suicidality and hospitalization “Are you angry?” she asks me. Something in me breaks free. I AM angry, but not for the reasons she thinks. I’m sitting on a telehealth call with my therapist. I’ve been working with her for over a year – since shortly after my now 22-year-old son, Blake, made his first call to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. We’ve been talking about how I’m dealing with Blake’s chronic suicidality and the aftermath of his rece ..read more

Note: This is a reflection on living with a loved one who chronically wishes to die. There are no graphic details. Photo by Bruno Henrique on Pexels.com It has been so very hard to write these past months since my son, Blake, was released from his second hospitalization. I’m pretty sure I’ve been on autopilot. I don’t experience joy in the same way I used to. I find myself drifting off when I’m with a group (the few occasions that I am now). I am delighted to hear what is going on with my friends’ children: the upcoming weddings, the new jobs, starting a new education, traveling. Yet there is ..read more

Photo by Genaro Servu00edn on Pexels.com WordPress informed me that in July I hit eight years blogging here at “OCD in the Family.” Unreal. It gave me pause to think back a bit (oh, and also to update my “About” page). I remember where I was when this blog was born. Blake had just turned 14. Michael was 16. And I was in a place where I felt powerless to help my treatment-refusing son, to be a good mother to both of my teens, and to have a healthy marriage and family life. Now my boy are both young adults, trying to find their way in this world. Over these years, the blog has evolved. It has sh ..read more

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com This – or a variation of this – is the question I keep getting asked in the almost month since my young adult son, Blake, came home from his second hospitalization. Blake was hospitalized with severe depression after a recent spike in his Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and related intrusive thoughts. He made a plan to end his life, and he’d planned to carry it out. Yet, that is not where the story begins, nor is his release from the hospital where it ends. They are pieces in a long journey. I can’t speak for my son and what it is like to be him. I can, how ..read more

Photo by Jakub Novacek on Pexels.com Welcome to the surreal world of post-hospitalization for a mental health issue. Glad you could come. Suspend all disbelief at the door. Seriously, this is a bizarre journey. Come along if you like. Today Blake had his first real appointment since he was released from the hospital. He met with a psychiatric service that was meant to help him continue with his medications until he connected with a new psychiatrist. I checked on him just after the video appointment was to begin. Hearing no sound coming from behind the door, I knocked to check in. No one had co ..read more

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com Hello Dear Readers, It’s been a little while since I’ve written and someone just reached out to me to ask how things have been since Blake’s hospitalization. I’m guessing this person is not the only one who has wanted to know so I’d like to share a little update. This style is uncharacteristic for me on this blog, but I’m so very tired lately, and it’s the easiest way for me to share with you what has been going on. Not long after my last post Blake returned home and started in a partial hospitalization program (for OCD, anxiety, and depression). That ..read more

Image by chenspec from Pixabay Please be aware, short reference to suicidal ideation below: I can see her waiting patiently out of the corner of my eye, as I listen to the social worker’s voice on the other end of the line. She can’t see or hear me; my camera is off and my mic is, too. I can see the fuzzy blackness covering the square that would be me in this telehealth call. She looks uncertain about what to do as she waits. The social worker on the phone talks on, giving me updates and directions. I dutifully take notes, painfully aware of the time that has lapsed since I darkened my screen ..read more

Image by Der_Mentor from Pixabay Being a loved one of someone who has Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is hard. It’s hard because you watch that person suffer, and, when you love someone, you don’t want them to suffer. Very commonly, when someone we love has OCD, we get caught up in doing things that don’t help. One way we do this is by accommodating. That is, we do things that OCD wants (e.g., washing our hands because maybe they touched something suspect, we reassure our loved one that of course the feared thing won’t happen, we do things our loved one is capable of doing themself so that their ..read more

Image by Peggy und Marco Lachmann-Anke from Pixabay It has been emotionally exhausting to be a mental health therapist this past year! Actually, it’s been emotionally exhausting being a human. As a psychologist, I have never before experienced a time where I have felt so many depending on me, while I try to navigate similar circumstances to the people I work with. And I have felt so drained after hours in front of the computer screen doing teletherapy that I have honestly found no energy to sit and write in this blog – until today. Without going into details in this post, I will note that Blak ..read more

The hubby and I are in the back yard having a moment alone when we notice Michael and Blake coming out the door. Their faces look purposeful. Michael’s looks gleeful. “Mom, Dad – We’re moving!” We’re not suprised by the announcement. The two have already been talking for over a week about driving across country, getting an apartment for a few months, and creating a small social bubble with a couple of friends Michael went to college with. It’s been an uncertain time for two young adults living in a pandemic. Job opportunities have been sparse for Michael (a recent college grad). What he can fi ..read more