For the first time in the Kingdom’s history, Saudi Arabia will participate in the Miss Universe beauty pageant by sending their contestant’s male guardian on her behalf. 29 year old model and content creator Rumy Albakhtani will be represented by her older brother Rashad bin Abdullah on the world stage. “As a little boy I always dreamed of representing my sister or future wife in a beauty pageant,” said bin Abdullah as he struggled to fit into a sequin-laced bikini for the event’s swimsuit competition. “This is a responsibility I take seriously, and that’s why i’m getting a perm for my chest a ..read more

On Saturday, U.S. supplied humanitarian aid dropped into Gaza was obliterated by U.S. supplied missiles and bombs also meant to be dropped on Gaza. Personnel at U.S. Central Command were reportedly frustrated as pallets of over 38,000 meals were destroyed by weapons delivered on pallets by President Biden just months prior. “This has become a bit of a logistical conundrum for us,” said one official. “We need to figure out if we want to drop our 2 ton bombs before we drop the humanitarian aid, or after. If we do it before, then what’s the point? BUT if we do it after, then what’s the point?” Th ..read more

On Monday, Benjamin Netanyahu quietly asked Elon Musk to change Gaza’s wifi password in order to prevent Palestinians from broadcasting real-time images of devastation and genocidal crimes to the rest of the world via social media. Netanyahu made the request of Musk during the billionaire’s visit to Israel to address “information security” matters. “I am not someone who is – how you say – tech savvy – or – how you say – honest,” said Netanyahu to Musk as he walked him over to a data closet right outside the Gaza strip. “Perhaps you can reset the password to something else like ‘ithamasfault123 ..read more

25 year old, multi-talented Leah Coen can simultaneously condemn the killing of certain children while advocating the indiscriminate murder of certain other children in impressive, dissonant form. The Brooklyn resident is remarkably capable of expressing two diametrically opposed thoughts without a discernible flinch. “It’s disgusting what Hamas did to those babies, and it’s important that Israel continues to obliterate those other babies that had nothing to do with these babies and we should all be able to coexist because it’s our land not theirs and they need to leave and go somewhere else b ..read more

On Wednesday, the Israeli Defense Forces led a handful of reporters through the living room of an alleged Hamas militant’s home for an exclusive look at explosive manufacturing devices including a modern, 2 piece, leather bomb-making sectional and two violently plush velvet recliners. “We are standing in what is the lion’s den of a vile Hamas operation,” announced Admiral Daniel Levin as he showcased a professionally interior designed space with midcentury flare. “As you can see, this top-grain, tan leather seating arrangement is where they probably built rockets. They acquire these tools from ..read more

Originally posted at Islamica News: Navigating The Word Game: Part 1 ..read more

In an effort to stop an active shooter suspected of hiding inside a Texas school, Ezrael County Police bombed Lakeland Elementary killing all 250 students. Chief Benjamin Yahu dismissed any responsibility and claimed the gunman, identified as 32 year old Burt Shamas, used the children as human shields. “The Ezrael County Police Department has a right to defend itself,” stated Yahu against the backdrop of mutilated bodies and limbs, ranging in ages between 5 and 9 years old. “If these children didn’t want Shamas, why did they and their parents let him into the school? Why did they let him live ..read more

On Tuesday, President Joe Biden issued a forceful condemnation against Hamas and its attacks against the Israeli people. Below is the transcript of that statement. “We strongly condemn these acts of violence, and the massacre of the Israeli people. There is no room for terror, except of course when it’s an Israeli sanctioned brutal campaign against the Palestinian people. Because f@!k logic, right? We support Israel’s right to indiscriminately bomb the most densely populated area of land in the world, even if it results in the deaths of most if not all innocent men, women and children. Ho ..read more

“Happy Pakistan Independence Day!!!” exclaimed Khalid Ibrahim, who got the hell out of that country over 40 years ago. “I will always have pride in my beautiful Pakistan,” said the 72 year old retired engineer who made a conscious decision to uproot himself, abandon his loved ones, and flee the turmoil in Karachi in search of a much better life. “100% of me is Pakistani,” said Ibrahim as he looked away from his US dollar-backed portfolio of investments, to gaze at an old picture of himself on the first flight he could afford out of his motherland. Asked if he was going to ever “go back” to his ..read more

After a spectacular World Cup finals match, Sheikh Tamim bin Hamad Al Thani awarded Argentina’s Lionel Messi Qatar’s highest and most prestigious award: a hand-held bidet. “Today, we bestow on you a deep piece of Qatari culture… this Muslim hand shower, made from the highest quality stainless steel, with 3 adjustable speeds,” announced the Emir as he handed Messi the metallic water nozzle, seemingly still connected. “This one is from my very own collection, and will always be tethered to one of my palace’s 137 toilets… enjoy.” The 35 year old professional footballer was also gifted a spool of ..read more