The Me They Don't See
Depression Army
by Depression Army
2y ago
By Sakinah Kaiser  “I’m busy, can we catch up later?”  “Sure”, I say. But later never comes. And neither of us will follow up. I’m used to this with my friendships. We’ve slowly drifted apart as time went on. I don’t know much about their lives. I’m becoming a hermit now. And the world seems so fast paced. I don’t understand it or even recognize its rules anymore. I’m like a stranger in a place that’s loud and unfamiliar. My house feels safest for me, but I long for company and companionship. I feel like a burden for mentioning my needs to my friends. They want me to get out more and ..read more
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My Two Lives
Depression Army
by Depression Army
2y ago
By: Lauren Hope I have lived two lives; the one before depression, and the one after depression. Light to darkness. Homeowner to homeless. TV success to unemployed EBT recipient. Functional to suicide attempt survivor. Fit runner to overweight emotional eater. Hot girlfriend to thirsty thirty something with trust issues. Chaste to sexually liberated. Prude to eyes wide open. Perfect daughter to black sheep. Respected to laughed at. Praised to punished. ************* I have lived two lives. ************* Some nights I ask God, “Why does my life have to be this way? Why couldn’t I have a br ..read more
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I Don't Want Your Help
Depression Army
by Depression Army
2y ago
By: Sarah Fader Depression is a strange beast. When I feel depressed, I want desperately to feel better, but then again I don’t want to feel well at all. Depression is like wrapping yourself in a dirty blanket. On the one hand, the quilt is familiar, and it smells like you, even if that’s body odor and stale Doritos. On the other hand, you would feel better if you were able to wash the blanket. However, it feels impossible to remove yourself from that dirty blanket and throw it in the washing machine because you feel safe with it wrapped around you. I’ve lived in that dirty blanket for days ..read more
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Confronting the Abuse of Forgiveness
Depression Army
by Depression Army
2y ago
by Umm Zakiyyah  *** TW:// Suicide. A story about healing after trauma. “You need to forgive them,” my counselor friend said simply as we chatted over lunch. I’d just shared with her the emotional triggers and anxiety I was continuously battling in the presence of those whose speech and mannerisms reminded me of my abusers. Her response confounded me because I didn’t see the connection between forgiving my abusers and overcoming the shortness of breath, sudden headaches, and body weakness I repeatedly experienced in the presence of familiar cruelty and dismissiveness. “Forgive them?” I re ..read more
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My Social Anxiety
Depression Army
by Depression Army
2y ago
What do you think of when you hear the words, Social Anxiety? For me. it’s so many things. It’s not wanting people to look at me when I’ve put on makeup because they might see my flaws, but then not wanting them to ignore me either because that hurts my feelings as a highly sensitive person. It’s not wanting to feel their eyeballs on my skin because that sets my nerves ablaze and I can’t handle that feeling. It literally makes me want to jump out of my own skin jacket on a regular basis. Social anxiety is saying things and immediately wanting to take them back because I can hear the echo in m ..read more
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Admitting That You Need Help is Worth It
Depression Army
by Depression Army
2y ago
By: Samantha Varnerin (Article originally seen on lifeinmydays.com) That familiar feeling of dread began to form at the bottom of my stomach that afternoon in February 2014 when I had one simple thought: maybe I’m not good at this. "No, not here," I thought, "I’m at work. I have so much to do. I have plans later and can’t miss them. If this breaks out now…" But that didn’t stop the feeling that started at the bottom of my stomach from rising up: a familiar heavy feeling in my throat settling just below my chin. I felt my body naturally sink into my desk, trying to use my hair to ..read more
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Wearing A Mask
Depression Army
by Depression Army
2y ago
The nature of hiding my true self (Originally posted on patheos.com/blogs/themuslimhippie) I needed to be social. I needed to be the ‘me’ that’s acceptable in the company of others. I did want to go out as the real me. To interact with people in a genuine fashion for a change. But now that I’m home, away from all the noise… I’m realizing I wore my mask again today. It’s the one that hides how I feel from others. The one that smiles when I want to break down crying. The one that absorbs pain and hurt, and morphs my face into a more agreeable pose. It grins and laughs when people are speaking to ..read more
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Trapped at the intersection of Mental Illness and Violence
Depression Army
by Depression Army
2y ago
How it feels to be stereotyped based on race, religion and mental health What images come to mind when you hear of a school shooting? Do you immediately make assumptions about who may have committed the crime and why? Do you fall into the trap of generalizing and vilifying all groups related to the perpetrator’s background? I know for me, I feel pain over the senseless loss of life. I mourn for family members of both the victims and the people who carry out these heinous acts. And, I fear that public hysteria, which comes along with tragedy, will somehow trickle down to me. As a black Muslim w ..read more
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Why I Hugged Rock Bottom
Depression Army
by Depression Army
2y ago
Photo: Untitled by radarxlove (CC BY-NC 2.0)  Written by Rachel Baker I thought rock bottom would be a jail cell. I never pictured rock bottom as good grades and a clean room. Rock bottom for me became an over packed schedule, planned down to the smallest of details as a means to ignore my constant anxiety. However, it didn’t take long for it to transform into the type I had been raised to recognize since childhood. My rock bottom tasted like unbrushed teeth. It felt like heavy, greasy hair. The trip to the shower was a journey that I could never find the motivation to take. I once ..read more
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Standing on the Edge Looking Down: Hope After the Worst of Depression
Depression Army
by Depression Army
2y ago
Photo: Miki Takes Photos By: Miki A year ago, I was in a psych ward for major depression and strong suicidal ideations after already being majorly depressed for almost a year. I admitted myself because I was afraid of what I would do to myself (or others) if I didn’t, and I really, really wanted to get better. When I left the hospital, I felt even more hopeless, and the coming months were going to be the worst of my life. I was barely able to get up off the couch, let alone take a shower, brush my teeth, eat food… I became thin and frail from not eating nearly enough, my muscles deterior ..read more
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