The Onion
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The Onion
6h ago
An elephant named Viola escaped from the Jordan World Circus in Butte, MO after being spooked by a car while getting a bath and bolting, making it several blocks downtown before being corralled and returned. What do you think?
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The Onion
6h ago
Alex Garland’s newest dystopian film, which takes place in the not-so-distant future, follows a team of military-embedded journalists as they travel across the country during America’s second Civil War. The Onion asked conservatives how they felt about the film, and this is what they said.
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The Onion
6h ago
ROME—Following comments that drew an immediate backlash for what critics called an inappropriate and self-serving analogy, sources confirmed Friday that Zebedee Peters, a man who is currently being crucified by the Romans, has continued to arrogantly compare his plight to that of Jesus Christ. “Look, I feel for…
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The Onion
6h ago
WASHINGTON—Drawing swift backlash from critics concerned about the agency’s spending, the Internal Revenue Service came under fire Friday for blowing $350 million to develop a massively multiplayer tax-filing video game entitled Tales Of Revenue. “When I first downloaded it from IRS.gov, I thought it’d just be a…
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The Onion
8h ago
DEIR AL-BALAH, GAZA—Following accounts of continued civilian massacres in the Gaza Strip, disturbing reports emerged this week of the Israel Defense Forces allegedly using armored vehicles to play clips of Amy Schumer’s stand-up comedy in order to drive Palestinians from their homes. “The IDF is currently using a…
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The Onion
8h ago
PHILADELPHIA—Her footsteps echoing in the night as she wandered down the unlit side street, local woman Caitlin Morgan was reportedly lured into a dark alley Friday by a sign reading “Free self-defense class for women.” “Free self-defense class this way? Don’t mind if I do,” said Morgan, who delightedly followed the…
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The Onion
1d ago
During an audit, Arkansas lawmakers questioned Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ (R) staff about the purchase of a $19,000 lectern, a charge which include a $2,500 “consulting fee” and a $2,200 road case. What do you think?
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The Onion
1d ago
WASHINGTON—With worms in the pile of plant debris already starting to eat away at the late president’s flesh, veteran White House gardener Dale Haney told reporters Thursday he had found a rotting Joe Biden in a compost bin on the South Lawn of the executive mansion. “Oh, man, the poor little guy must’ve fallen in…
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The Onion
1d ago
LOS ANGELES—Noting that the highly anticipated biopic had always been a dream project, sources confirmed Thursday that Martin Scorsese would direct Leonardo DiCaprio as Frank Sinatra for the rest of their lives. “After working together on six different films, Scorsese is beyond excited to team up with Leo and bring…
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The Onion
1d ago
LOS ANGELES—Circulating online via a Google Drive link, an alleged leak of Taylor Swift’s The Tortured Poets Department left fans speculating Thursday that the new album would be all about the artist’s sink not draining good because it was clogged by long hair. Swift subverted expectations that she would address her…
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