Band More Upset Over $30 Hospital Parking Than Fact Bassist Just Died
The Hard Times
by Doug Kolic
2h ago
MILFORD, Del. — Local punk band The Vengeful Squirts were visibly more upset over the cost to park their van at Kindred Memorial Hospital than the fact that bassist just died, according to sources who had to sanitize everything they touched. “Man, things like this really put life into perspective,” stated frontman Scottie Ratz as he rummaged through a parked car that he just broke into looking for some cash. “Just a few days ago we were having a blast jamming in the garage, and now we’re thirty bucks lighter. Not only that, but those fascists also gave us a parking ticket just for parking in a ..read more
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Opinion: How Dare You, a 29-Year-Old, Criticize Me, a 30-Year-Old
The Hard Times
by Mimi Kenny
4h ago
Here’s some wisdom worth heeding: know your place. You might think you know everything, but you’re clearly blindsided by the arrogance of youth. And as a 30-year-old, I simply won’t stand for slanderous accusations from you, my 29-year-old roommate. Does the term “respect your elders” mean nothing to you? Did you not stop to think that, instead of baselessly attacking me for “never paying rent on time” and “vomiting on your bedroom carpet in an Everclear and Ambien-fueled haze,” you could reflect on your own path and where you had room for growth? Clearly not, because all those hours spent doi ..read more
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Hot New Festival Booking Contract Restricts Bands From Playing Within 364 Days and 3,500 Miles of Venue Before Their 20 Minute Set at Noon
The Hard Times
by Greg Loschen
4h ago
SEATTLE — A leaked contract for the Hot ‘N’ Fresh Festival is causing a stir with it’s restrictive clauses that don’t allow bands to play another set within the same year or within the same country, sources who are only getting paid like $400 confirmed. “We are proud to bring in the fresh faces of music and put them in front of a smattering of half-coherent college students who are so sunburned they are unrecognizable to family,” said festival founder Steph Pine. “In exchange for this sort of exposure, we ask the bands playing to adhere to a few simple guidelines. It’s all boilerplate stuff, i ..read more
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Every Death Album Ranked Worst to Best
The Hard Times
by Jason Clemence
18h ago
Death metal is only called death metal because it sounds like the kind of metal Chuck Schuldiner invented (at an age when most of us were still trying to nail the first few bars of the “Sweet Child O’ Mine riff), and his band was called Death. There’s being influential, and then there’s having a vibrant and multifaceted subgenre literally named after your band. Not many thrashy metal bands that rose to prominence in the ‘80s can claim never to have dropped at least one complete and utter dud in their career (looking at you, Metallica, Megadeth, Slayer, and Morbid Angel). But Death made seven a ..read more
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Manowar Albums Ranked by the Hotness of the Sweaty Beefcakes on the Cover
The Hard Times
by Reuben Blanchard
18h ago
Manowar is to metal, what KISS is to rock and roll: Iconic imagery. Rabid fanbase. Debatable music (at best). But one thing that we can all agree on is that Manowar loves putting hot, sweaty beefcakes on their album covers. And we at The Hard Times love a hot sweaty beefcake. So let’s do this. Also, we’re only doing non-live, full-length albums, because cash-grab live albums are the opposite of hot, sweaty, or beefy. 11/10. Battle Hymns (1982) & Sign of the Hammer (1984) Can an album cover get less than zero? Because what the shit is this? I mean I sorta get it with “Battle Hymns” as it wa ..read more
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Trump Bible Includes Pledge of Allegiance, “God Bless the USA,” “The Apprentice” Seasons 1 – 6 on Blu-Ray
The Hard Times
by James Knapp
20h ago
WASHINGTON — Former President Donald Trump announced his latest merch launch, a $60 Bible that will the Pledge of Allegiance, Lee Greenwood lyrics, and limited edition Blu-ray discs of the first few seasons of “The Apprentice,” sources currently under oath in several ongoing treason trials confirmed. “This is a great book. I gotta tell ya – I love it so much. I read the whole thing cover to cover every night, I do. I’m a very fast reader, one of the fastest readers. I actually read at a 27th-grade level, doctors can’t believe it. But we’ve added my show ‘The Apprentice,’ a very nice show, it w ..read more
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Many Eyes Granted Custody of Every Time I Die Fans, Better Lovers Receives Weekend Visitations
The Hard Times
by Eric Degliomini
1d ago
BUFFALO, N.Y. — A local judge granted Many Eyes, the new band founded by Ex-Every Time I Die singer Keith Buckley, full legal custody of approximately 250,000 fans of his now former band while the remaining ex-members of the band in Better Lovers will receive limited visitations on weekends, sources confirmed. “I’m very pleased with the ruling,” Buckley said after being granted responsibility for over a quarter million adult metalcore fans. “The Every Time I Die fanbase deserves to grow up around positive influences like Thursday and Rival Schools and I’m glad the judge saw that. I’m looking f ..read more
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Opinion: Art Has a Moral Obligation To Create Edgelords
The Hard Times
by Adam Frost-Venrick
1d ago
Tyler Durden. Donnie Darko. Light Yagami. Three totally different fictional dudes that have nothing in common, except for one thing: They’re three of the greatest characters in fiction. And they’re all literally me. Okay, maybe that’s two things. But so what? Sometimes my ideas are literally too complex to be just one idea. And that’s what I want to literally talk about today: Ideas. You see lately, the Western mind has become coddled and overly sensitized by people who fear big ideas. And to these people, I just wanna say: Get over yourself! Art has a moral obligation to create edgelords! Peo ..read more
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Singer Lifts Replacement Drummer by Scruff of Neck to Introduce Him to Crowd Like Newborn Puppy
The Hard Times
by Doug Kolic
1d ago
GARDEN CITY, Kan. — Local singer of punk band Salmonella Handjob surprised a crowd recently by holding their replacement drummer up by the scruff of his neck like a newborn puppy being introduced to littermates for the first time, according to sources contacting the SPCA. “Ever since our main drummer Toby went into rehab, we’ve been thinking of a cool way to introduce the new guy to our fans,” stated singer Conrad ‘Fuck Knuckles’ Borkowski. “Reese has a lot of neck fat which was perfect to hoist him up by, just like I do with those pitbulls I breed in the garage. At first he fought and squirme ..read more
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Male Supreme Court Justices Finally Learn Details About Abortion Pill They’ve Paid for Countless Times
The Hard Times
by Reuben Blanchard
2d ago
WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court heard arguments for and against a ban on the abortion pill, Tuesday, with the male Justices showing a specific interest in learning more about the medication they had collectively spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on in their personal lives. “I want to make sure I have all the facts before I give any opinion. From what I know, a woman takes the pill, then the baby reaches over into the mother’s stomach and then the baby itself eats the pill? I guess I’m confused how the baby knows to eat that, but it won’t eat like a bunch of chewed-up Oreos,” said Justice B ..read more
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