DENVER — Jay Park from Jamiroquai was seen taking up the entire moving walkway at the Denver International Airport, leading to many frustrated customers rushing to get to their flights, sources confirmed. “Somehow using this moving walkway takes longer than the immobile floors,” said Anya Robertson while rushing to her flight. “I like the ‘Virtual Insanity’ music video as much as the next guy. You know what else I like? Getting to my plane on time. I had ten minutes to get to my next flight. Now I have a three-hour layover before I can get home because that guy won’t stop doing his weird moonw ..read more

I’ve really been missing hangouts with my best friend ever since she had her baby. It’s been nearly impossible for us to find time to get together, but luckily last week she finally invited me over to meet him. I was super excited to see her, plus I’d finally get to meet the guy that’s been bogarting every second of her free time. Knowing he’s going to be a part of my bestie’s life forever, I really wanted to make a good impression. I bought him a gift, put on a cute outfit, and went over to her place. But the little jerk showed up completely unprepared. I’d spent the past 6 days practicing pr ..read more

Flying in from Chicago, Illinois, Pelican are best known for their celestial, dark vibes and heavy, doomy instrumental soundscapes with riffs fit for kings. Unlike many of their doomy counterparts, Pelican never saw the need for a vocalist, and the band is all the richer for it, since their sound is so dreamy it would only suffer from a stuck-up, egomaniac singer. The band was part of the first wave of bands from Hydra Head Records in the late ‘90s and early 2000s who mixed the heavy, crushing sounds of Black Sabbath and other metal acts with quiet, ethereal sounds of Godspeed You! Black Emper ..read more

LOS ANGELES — The world-famous yellow AOL running man was reportedly found unconscious at the Chateau Marmont last night after an alleged drug overdose following a night of partying on the Sunset Strip, authorities reported. “Everyone can rest easy knowing the AOL running man is still with us,” said the Chateau Marmont’s hotel manager Leonard Briggs. “Upon discovering him passed out in the bathtub with a lit cigarette still resting between his fingers, our team performed CPR on him before an ambulance arrived to transport him to the nearest hospital. The Chateau is no stranger to this type of ..read more

Have you ever been frustrated by the United States Postal Service because they lost a letter you mailed? Imagine if that letter miraculously showed up in the mailbox of its intended recipient over two decades later. That is exactly what happened when an envelope packed with anthrax was finally opened by Mitch McConnell earlier this week. We love a happy ending. “I was sorting the Senator’s mail when I saw a weathered envelope addressed from a 4th-grade class in New Jersey postmarked from 2001. I couldn’t believe it and I knew he would want to open it right away, Senator McConnell loves childre ..read more

INDIANAPOLIS — Local man Dave McGrath is clinging to hope that contracting salmonella is part of the process of the lifestyle after his recent pivot to a raw meat diet, sources have confirmed. “There’s something primal and manly about consuming raw meat. I don’t care if people tell me it’s dangerous or that raw diet influencers are liars. Our ancestors didn’t need to cook meat to get huge gains, I’m sure they pushed through the crippling symptoms of salmonella poisoning while hunting mastodons and shit,” said McGrath as he was hunched over his toilet. “I mean, shitting blood has to be part of ..read more

New music is one of the most readily available forms of media on the planet, but you’re still listening to a scratched CD-R of System Of A Down’s ‘Toxicity’ in your car. What happened to you? As you make your way to work blasting ‘Chop Suey!’ for the billionth time, a dazzling world of new sounds passes you by. We have to put an end to this. Here are some new jams hand picked by our staff to help nudge you in the right direction. Thursday “Application For Release From The Dream” If you were wondering why your friend suddenly got bangs and re-pierced their lip, it’s because Thursday released th ..read more

I finally did it: after years of creating absolute dogshit music that no one would listen to, I finally found a group of people who are willing to generate nonsensical jargon out of thin air in an effort to pretend I’ve made anything of substance. Hell yeah! I honestly never thought this would work. When I uploaded “4GETTING SUMM3R 4 3VER (Oh, Oh, Oh)” to TikTok, my first thought was “Yeah, this is pretty garbage. You couldn’t pay me to listen to this shit.” However, something must have struck a chord with the TikTok audience, because 5 hours later I opened the comments to find people saying I ..read more

SURREY, England — Musician Eric Clapton surprised everyone by announcing that his 1992 hit song “Tears in Heaven” is now about the Messiah’s despair that people are still using vaccines to combat COVID-19, confirmed sources who hadn’t that track in years. “This song was originally written to help me cope with my son Conor’s sudden passing,” stated Clapton as he Venmoed more royalty checks to RFK Jr.’s presidential campaign. “But as time went on and my heart started to heal from the loss, a new pain started to develop after taking that evil Astrazeneca shot, which is why this song is now about ..read more

Are you the type of person who’d rather not expose your feelings to anyone in your life ever? We get it, it’s revealing and scary, and it gets in the way of quiet time. Unfortunately, society is on a big “mental health” kick at the moment, and your emotional barriers are not “in vogue.” You’ve probably been pressured by loved ones to seek professional help in taking them down, but not so fast—some of those protective barriers you put up could in fact be load-bearing. This guide will tell you whether removing the emotional walls you’ve put around you will make everything collapse to the ground ..read more