LET’S FUCKING GOOOOO! This Chapter Is One Paragraph
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by Jewel Galbraith
19h ago
We’re gonna need you to make some fucking noise, because our mid-afternoon reading session is about to POP THE FUCK OFF: This chapter is one paragraph. BOOYAH! Time to read the fucking shit out of this thing!!! We’ll admit, those long-ass chapters we just finished reading really had us on the ropes. After all those pages of dense, information-heavy prose, we weren’t sure we had it in us to finish another chapter of our book today. But just as we were about to reach for that bookmark with our tail between our legs, we flipped the page over and saw it—our hope; our salvation; our oasis in the de ..read more
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In Order To Clear Up Any Confusion, Yes, Fockers = Fuckers (by Ben Stiller and Robert De Niro)
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by Ben Stiller and Robert DeNiro
19h ago
Hello, moviegoers. Actors Ben Stiller and Robert DeNiro, here. In the year 2000, we collaborated on a film titled Meet The Parents, in which I (Stiller here) played a character named Gaylord “Greg” Focker. The success of this film spawned a trilogy, the second and third films of which are titled Meet The Fockers (2004) and Little Fockers (2010). Keen viewers will notice an emphasis on the name “Focker” throughout this film series, as well as its resemblance to a word that is, well, let’s say a little less than polite to use in everyday conversation. I (DeNiro here) would li ..read more
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What, Do They Think We’re All Complete Idiots Or Something? Wikipedia Has A Page For ‘Dog’ 
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by Jacy Catlin
3d ago
Wikipedia can be a great resource if you need to learn about, say, the Tuvaluan language or Freemasonry, but this is going to insult your intelligence so much that you might just go back to using regular encyclopedias: Clearly, Wikipedia thinks we’re all stupid as hell, because they have a page for ‘Dog.’ “Uhhhh durrrr, what is dog?”—us, according to Wikipedia, apparently.  Hidden in plain sight amid all sorts of useful information that non-idiots might actually need to look up is a little Wikipedia Easter egg that basically says, “We have zero respect for our readers and we think they’re ..read more
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Major Uproar: Millions Of Dogs Are Furious After Dog Magazine (Paris Review For Dogs) Awarded Bobbins The Bernedoodle (A Pretty Unremarkable Dog) The 2024 Padfooted Prize (Basically Like The Dog Version Of An Oscar/Nobel Prize)
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by Jessye McGarry
6d ago
If your dog won’t stop barking all of a sudden, don’t bother taking them to the vet, because there’s a pretty high chance that they’re just mad about the following story: Apparently Dog Magazine (more or less The Paris Review for dogs) awarded Bobbins the Bernedoodle (a pretty unremarkable dog) the 2024 Padfooted Prize (basically like the dog version of an Oscar/Nobel Prize), and millions of dogs are furious. Wow. Seems like if we were dogs, we’d be pretty pissed off too! Across the country, dogs are refusing to eat and go on walks (like how men punch holes in the wall when the Eagles lose) be ..read more
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Hell Fuckin’ Yes! Tomorrow Would Be The PERFECT Day To Stop The Bad Habit You Don’t Feel Like Stopping Right Now
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by Jewel Galbraith
6d ago
Sometimes a golden opportunity falls right into your lap, and the ideal conditions to finally make some improvements in your life are suddenly right around the corner. Fortunately, that’s just what’s occurring at the moment: Tomorrow would be the PERFECT day to stop the bad habit you don’t feel like stopping right now. Let’s fucking go! Your bad habit is HISTORY come tomorrow! You’ve courageously decided that your deeply entrenched bad habit has gone on for long enough, and while addressing it right this minute would be a huge pain in the ass, tomorrow’s look ..read more
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A Terrible Curse: This Man Has Outlived Every Taqueria He’s Ever Loved
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by Jewel Galbraith
1w ago
Tragedy follows some people like a ghastly shadow, and one poor soul has suffered loss on a scale we can only hope we’ll never know: This man has outlived every taqueria he’s ever loved. It takes incredible strength to go on in the face of such unthinkable grief. Gaze deep into Alexander Sull’s haunted eyes, and you will glimpse a sorrow seldom beheld in even the most soul-stirring Pietà—at only 30 years old, he’s already mourned the untimely closure of no fewer than six of his favorite taco places. To outlive just one beloved taqueria is a terrible thing. To outlive two seems more than any so ..read more
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It Wasn’t All Doom And Gloom: 6 Incredibly Positive Things That Happened To Elvis On The Toilet 
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by Jacy Catlin
1w ago
Elvis famously died on the toilet at only 42 years old, forever painting his association with toilets as a negative one. However, it wasn’t all bad news for Elvis on the can: Here are six incredibly positive things that happened to Elvis on the toilet. 1. He finished a crossword puzzle With all of the press surrounding Elvis’ death, one could be forgiven for assuming that his relationship with toilet use was all bad news, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. The legendary musician actually had a great time one day on the toilet when he completed a New York Times crossword puzzle withou ..read more
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Medical Mystery: The American Medical Association Has Confessed It Has No Idea Where A Nosebleed Goes When It Stops
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by Chris Gilman
1w ago
Though it seems like new medical advancements happen every day, some of the most common health issues remain a total enigma to us. In fact, the world’s most esteemed organization of doctors just opened up about one medical phenomenon that’s totally beyond their understanding: The American Medical Association has confessed it has no idea where a nosebleed goes when it stops.  Wow. The human body is a puzzle that the AMA may never fully solve.  Earlier today, the AMA issued a public statement revealing they are completely in the dark on where nosebleeds end up when they gradually trick ..read more
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Selfish Or Understandable? This Man Refused To Give Up His Airplane Seat So A Woman Could Sit Next To Her Dead Husband 
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by Jacy Catlin
2w ago
There are some controversies where it’s almost impossible to choose a side because you can see it both ways, and this one a perfect example: This man refused to give up his airplane seat so a woman could sit next to her dead husband.  Yep, this is a tough one! It’s definitely hard to know who was in the right in this scenario.  Thirty-four-year-old interior designer Jackson Woodford took to the “Am I The Asshole”  subreddit this week to ask users to weigh in on his actions on a recent flight. Woodford wrote, “OK, so, I’m on a 4-hour flight to Phoenix. Guy sitting next to me is c ..read more
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5 Awesome Backyard Experiments To Teach Your Child That Owls Are Indestructible
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by Jewel Galbraith
2w ago
Sometimes the best lessons happen outside of the classroom, and hands-on science can help spark a kid’s lifelong love of learning, not to mention provide hours of fun! Here are five awesome backyard experiments to teach your child that owls are indestructible. 1. Owl Drop Challenge: Set up a step ladder next to an owl and challenge your kid to put even a single dent in the bird by furiously raining stones upon it from height (smaller kiddos may need help hoisting stones over 10 pounds). Watch your child’s amazement as lumps of thick granite cleave in two against the so ..read more
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