Biden Bounces Back In Polls As Americans Notice Netflix Added A Few Good Shows Recently
The Onion
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2d ago
WASHINGTON—With his approval rating recovering among people likely to vote in the 2024 election, President Joe Biden enjoyed a surge in the polls this week after Americans noticed Netflix had added a few good shows recently. “It appears that the tide is finally turning in Biden’s favor now that voters have stumbled… Read more ..read more
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DOJ Sues Live Nation For Ticketmaster Monopoly
The Onion
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2d ago
The Department of Justice filed an antitrust lawsuit seeking to break up Live Nation, which controls 80% of ticketing at major concert venues through Ticketmaster, alleging that it monopolizes the live events industry. What do you think? Read more ..read more
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Report: School Shootings Either Way Down Or Too Depressing For Media To Cover
The Onion
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2d ago
WASHINGTON—Shedding light on the possible reasons for a dip in such news coverage, a report released Friday found that school shootings were either way down or too depressing for the media to cover. “Really, there are two possibilities here: It could be that there’s been some remarkable progress on getting guns out… Read more ..read more
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Mechanical-Armed Grimes Flees Elon Musk Compound With Five Wives In Stolen Cybertruck
The Onion
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2d ago
CHIHUAHUAN DESERT, TX—Tearing through the desert wasteland with a fleet of self-driving Tesla Model 3s in pursuit, a mechanical-armed Grimes reportedly fled Elon Musk’s compound Friday with five of the tech leader’s wives in the back of a stolen Cybertruck. Grimes is said to have floored the accelerator and thrown… Read more ..read more
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FDA Recalls 50 Million Pounds Of Ground Meat Just To See What That Much Ground Meat Would Look Like In One Room
The Onion
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2d ago
SILVER SPRING, MD—In an effort to gain insight into the food product, the Food and Drug Administration announced Friday it had recalled 50 million pounds of ground meat just to see what that much ground meat would look like in one room. “Effective immediately, we’re issuing a recall on any ground meat produced in… Read more ..read more
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Cicada Emergence Results In Increase In Odd Kids Filling Satchels With Molted Shells While Mumbling
The Onion
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2d ago
WASHINGTON—With trillions of periodical cicadas returning after years underground, the U.S. Forest Service confirmed Friday that the emergence of two broods this spring had led to a significant uptick in odd little children filling satchels with the insects’ molted shells while mumbling under their breath. “This is… Read more ..read more
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Sherpa Guide Makes Record Scaling Everest For 30th Time
The Onion
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3d ago
Kami Rita, a renowned Sherpa mountain guide, made a record-breaking 30th ascent of Mt. Everest, with his two most recent climbs made within the same month. What do you think? Read more ..read more
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Everyone In ER Bit Off Finger While Holding Sandwich
The Onion
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3d ago
INDIANAPOLIS—Admitted with complaints that it had been hard to tell the difference between their fingers and their food, everyone in Unity Medical Center emergency room Friday had bitten a digit off their hand while holding a sandwich, according to hospital officials. “At the present time, every bed in our ER is… Read more ..read more
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Study Finds Daily Marijuana Use Outpaces Alcohol In U.S.
The Onion
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3d ago
A study based on the National Survey on Drug Use and Health found that more people in the United States use marijuana daily than alcohol, with 17.7 million people reporting using pot daily or nearly every day. What do you think? Read more ..read more
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Kristi Noem Forced To Drive 500 Miles Around Tribal Land To Pick Up Dry Cleaning
The Onion
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3d ago
PIERRE, SD—Furrowing her brow at the clock as she pressed down harder on the gas pedal, South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem was reportedly forced to drive 500 miles around tribal land Thursday in order to pick up her dry cleaning. “I really wish I’d known I was going to be banned before I dropped this stuff off last week,”… Read more ..read more
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