Writing is an often solitary process, but it rarely happens alone. This brief email, which I hemmed and hawed over for seven weeks before finally dashing it off and sending it in a thoroughly uncharacteristic burst of un-self-conscious productivity, could not have happened without the support of countless others. While it might be only my name in the sender field, I would be remiss not to acknowledge and thank the many people who helped make it all possible. I, of course, must begin with the inspiration for this work: the acquaintance who emailed me seven weeks ago, asking a relatively straigh ..read more

Ha! A mistaken vocal inflection produced by the waitress when you mentioned you have a boat. Oh! Often produced involuntarily when you realize you are much kinkier than you thought you were. Wham! Your drunk uncle describing the impact of his 2018 Dodge Ram during his first DUI. Twang! A combination of traditional values and piss water boycotts. Thwack! Often heard in repetition and completed between three and five minutes with a lackluster partner. Grrr! An internal reaction to your mom’s curfew rule (you’re thirty-two). Rip! A cool maneuver performed by a single nostril; occasionally from a ..read more

Dear valued customers, Here at Weird Sisters Soups & Brines, our top priority has always been to prepare nourishing, ready-to-eat soups, enjoyable alone or with the whole clan. After a long day with kinsmen slaughtering foes in an odorous peat bog, there’s nothing like returning to the sod hut and forgetting all your toils and troubles over a bubbling bowl of Weird Sisters Soup. Filled with the eye of newt and chunks of frog toes our customers have come to savor, our soups are always sure to beguile you. But we at Weird Sisters also understand that we have a responsibility to adhere to the ..read more

When COVID struck Rebecca Saltzman’s family, the virus unmasked a life-changing discovery: her husband and two of their kids had genetic heart disease. The kind where people drop dead. As their healthy wife and mother, Saltzman had a new role too—guiding her family through what Susan Sontag called the Kingdom of the Sick. In this column, she’ll explore the anthropological strangeness of this new place, the mysteries of the body, and how facing death distills life into its purest form: funny, terrifying, and sublime. - - - Read Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV, and Part V. - - - - - - “Has a ..read more

1. Patience is key. 2. Remember to take breaks for self-care. 3. And don’t forget to go to the bathroom. 4. It’s better to make slow progress with the pieces than no progress on the puzzle at all. 5. Accept the pieces the way they are. A turtle piece can never be a camel puzzle. Stop trying to change them when they show you who they are. 6. Sometimes, you must realize it’s not you; it’s just a crappy puzzle. It’s not worth your time to guess whether it is off-white or eggshell white, and you’re better off on your own. 7. Your self-worth isn’t determined by how many puzzles you solve. It is det ..read more

Well, look at you. You’re all so brand spanking new, shiny, and gleaming. The world was made for the likes of you as you are now. Young. Supple. Idealistic. Yes, even the goths with their cloaks of (imaginary? performative?) sorrow, black as their black kohl-rimmed eyes. Yes, you are hopeful and just as starry-eyed and dreamy as the sunshiny ones that you scorn as vehemently as Dracula despises daylight. But you’re here too, wearing a robe and a ridiculous hat with a tassel. The truly sinister-at-heart, antiestablishment marauder wouldn’t be caught dead among such living. I’m not saying you’re ..read more

Sega fanatics and pancake aficionados rejoiced last week as the International House of Pancakes dropped their latest collab. These six foodstuffs, inspired by America’s favorite blue hedgehog, are sure to make Sonic players curl up in a little ball and spin around really fast in joy. But don’t worry, I tried every item on the new menu, so you don’t have to. And while I’m happy to do it for you, I’d feel better if you tried an IHOP novelty menu one of these times, just so I’d know we had an equal partnership. Sonic’s Blue Blur Special Press start to four flapjacks loaded with juicy berries, the ..read more

He’s your current employer, and you live in his house. Not a red flag. Not for you at least. As the person in the higher class, he is the one with the most to lose. For you, there is nowhere to go but up. He lies to you about who he is when you first meet. Not a red flag. This is called keeping the mystery alive, and he is smart to make a habit of it early on. He accuses you of putting a spell on his horse. Not a red flag. Insisting that the person you like has used dark magic is actually a very common method of flirting. All the kids/ grown men are doing it. Other versions of this technique i ..read more

In this column, Kristen Mulrooney writes letters to famous mothers from literature, TV, and film whom she finds herself relating to on a different level now that she’s a mom herself. - - - Dear Alison, I am forever thinking about the time Katherine Heigl made some negative comments about your character, saying that you were painted as a shrew and a killjoy, and that you and your sister seemed “humorless and uptight” while the men in your lives got to be “lovable, goofy, fun-loving guys.” After letting my indignance about those comments stew for over a decade, I am writing to you today to adama ..read more

The LiveJournal community, circa 2005 The university café where English adjuncts hold their office hours My tenth-grade ELA class when I ask them to write one (1) poem The subject line of Submittable email notifications Bard College Any and all bars named after Oscar Wilde Literary Twitter The reception for the Nobel Prize in Literature the year Bob Dylan won An MFA workshop forbidden from writing any more poems about birds English professors walking by the new $80 million STEM building The comments section of a think piece about the TV show Dickinson Coffee shops with horoscope-themed drink s ..read more