Southgate asked to stay until he f**ks up and is fired
The Daily Mash
by The Daily Mash
53m ago
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England have mountain to climb in poor piece of scheduling
The Daily Mash
by The Daily Mash
4h ago
THE England team are to spend tomorrow completing an ascent up Germany’s tallest mountain in an ill-timed motivational exercise.  The treacherous climb up the 2,962m Zugspitze via the Höllental gorge takes place tomorrow, leaving players very little time to rest before Sunday’s final against a team who have not climbed a mountain the day before. Gareth Southgate said: “I didn’t know we’d be in the final. I thought it would make a useful metaphor. “I agree the timing isn’t ideal, but the lads fancied it so I made the booking. If I cancel now we’ll lose our deposit for the guides, jeeps and ..read more
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Democrats issue open call for presidential assassins
The Daily Mash
by The Daily Mash
6h ago
THE Democratic Party has invited potential presidential assassins to show them what they are capable of. Following the latest of many humiliating gaffes by Joe Biden, the Democrats have decided to audition creepy loners to do their dirty work for them before the election in November. Senator Norman Steele said: “We can’t go on like this. If Biden stubbornly insists on clinging on to his office and life, he leaves us with no choice. “Our America’s Got Talent-style tryouts will be travelling from state to state to see who’s got the marksmanship to ensure the smooth transition of power. No age li ..read more
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Couple’s date night is staying in, getting pissed and shagging
The Daily Mash
by The Daily Mash
6h ago
A COUPLE have created their own version of date night where they do not go out in favour of drinking alcohol then having sex. Lucy Parry and Jack Browne had previously spent date nights trailing to restaurants or theatres before they decided to trim the fat, cut the formalities and skip straight to the good bit where they f**k. Parry said: “Everyone knows what date night’s about, yeah? Underneath all the bullshit? “One night we had tickets for Pretty Woman: The Musical which got cancelled but we were already dressed up, so we drank two bottles of champagne by candlelight then spent the rest of ..read more
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Starmer: I will put a flare up my arse for final
The Daily Mash
by The Daily Mash
8h ago
THE prime minister has promised to celebrate England reaching the Euros final by putting a lit flare in his anus. Sir Keir Starmer feels the strongly-not-recommended act is the best way to express his love for his country, the England team, and looking like a normal, football-loving bloke you would definitely vote for again. He said: “There is no nobler sacrifice for your country than suffering third-degree burns to your bumhole from a flare clearly labelled ‘For maritime use only’.  “I will wedge it in firmly, leaving me bent over uncomfortably but proudly. Then my pasty arse will serve ..read more
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Give us a day off Starmer, you prick
The Daily Mash
by The Daily Mash
1d ago
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Not having crippling debts for decades: The new signifiers of being working-class
The Daily Mash
by The Daily Mash
1d ago
THERE’S no shortage of working-class cliches, from owning a whippet to working as a horny gamekeeper. But times change, and these are the signifiers of being working-class now. Not having crippling debts aged 21 Tuition fees mean working-class people who didn’t go to uni get off to a flying start in life without £45,000+ debts, and graduates are understandably bitter. After all that shitty coursework and sleepless nights during A-levels it turns out your parents’ advice should have been: ‘James! Get back on the Xbox! If you don’t fail your exams you’ll never get on the property ladder!’ Shitty ..read more
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£120 train ticket better get sodding checked
The Daily Mash
by The Daily Mash
1d ago
A TRAIN ticket that cost more than £100 had better get checked by either a guard or a barrier or preferably both. Train passenger Nikki Hollis forked out triple figures for an off-peak, unreserved seat between Cardiff and London Paddington, and is now going to make sure someone or something actually bothers to check it. She said: “This ticket single-handedly ate up all my disposable income for the month. If I don’t have to put it through gates at both ends of my journey and show it to an inspector I’m going to lose my shit. “Unlike freeloaders who cower in the toilets or pretend to be asleep ..read more
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Madame President of the United Kingdom and Sovereign Territories attends England game
The Daily Mash
by The Daily Mash
1d ago
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Suella Braverman enjoying ‘fascist girl summer’ in America
The Daily Mash
by The Daily Mash
1d ago
SUELLA Braverman is feeling confident and prioritising her own happiness this summer by going to America and saying mental things. While the rest of the Tories lick their election wounds in London, Braverman has stepped into her own power by travelling to the US and making speeches even Sir Oswald Mosley would have thought twice about. A source close to Braverman said: “Suella’s up for a good time this summer, and she’s really leaning into her freedom from the government by being unapologetically herself. And that means going to a National Conservatism conference and mendaciously equating Prid ..read more
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