THE prime minister is eagerly awaiting opinion polls that will reveal whether Britain really is as cretinous as he hopes.  Following the passing of a law ruling that Rwanda is safe, which does not make it actually safe, Rishi Sunak is nervously waiting to see if his gamble on the UK being a nation of easily-fooled racist morons has paid off. He said: “Here we go. Fingers crossed the drooling subhumans fall for the whole ‘vanishing immigrants’ trick. “Strictly speaking it’s Boris’s policy, dreamed up after we all got our Partygate fines because he fancied a positive headline or two, but es ..read more

THE prime minister, drunk on power, has proudly declared that nothing except several very real hurdles now stand in the way of the Rwanda bill. Having finally passed a law that will likely never come into effect and could easily be scuppered by several opposing forces, a maniacal Rishi Sunak has cackled that he essentially now has God-like power over the country’s borders. The swivel-eyed prime minister said: “Everyone said the Rwanda plan would never happen. And it still hasn’t. But whatever, I feel like the king of the f**king world right now. “All I’ve got to do is desperately cling to powe ..read more

PEOPLE suddenly finding love when they are 35, exhausted and unable to afford a house may not just be a big coincidence, experts have confirmed. Those who are increasingly panicky about the approach of middle age and have just had a difficult meeting with their bank manager are more likely to magically fall head over heels in love with the next person they happen to set eyes on. Tom Logan, 36, said: “Every man reaches the stage of his life where he’s had enough of playing the field and looks for that one special person he wants to share the rest of his mortgage with. As soon as Emma walked in ..read more

IT’S claimed that Donald Trump’s long hours in the courtroom are causing him to emit a large amount of anal gas. Here he explains how to minimise the embarrassment in various situations. At MAGA rallies I have the best farts. Incredible farts. Crooked Joe Biden has no farts. He squeezes and squeezes but his ass is as useless as a nun’s pussy. At MAGA rallies I’ve started farting into the microphone. People are cheering, they’re going crazy, they’re asking to smell my ass gas. It’s beautiful. Very beautiful. Except when I follow through. In court In court it’s kind of awkward when everyone smel ..read more

COUNSELLORS have advised couples suffering issues in their relationships that if they ignore them completely they eventually go away.  Despite their previous emphasis on communication and compromise, experts have found that putting the television on or going to the pub when major relationship problems emerge is, long-term, less stressful and more successful. Couples counsellor Dr Helen Archer said: “There’s an undeniably strong correlation between happiness and refusing to acknowledge anything is wrong. Also having a shed to hide in. “Key skills couples should develop include never asking ..read more

A MAN decades younger than you who has already achieved more than you ever will can go and f**k himself, older generations have agreed. A high-flying stranger who has founded a successful business by the age of 28 has been widely condemned by those between 15 and 40 years older for being inconsiderate of their feelings. Ryan Whittaker, the subject of your scorn, has made it worse by coming from a humble background and not doing well academically, making his elders’ loathing of him look even more bitter and spiteful. He said: “Being born after you wasn’t a conscious choice on my part, but havin ..read more

A BARMAN at a London club has just found out the five pissed women he watched howl their way through a song was in fact a momentous 90s reunion.  James Bates, aged 21, was covering a private members’ function on Saturday and witnessed the women clamber on stage and slur their way through a Spice Girls track, as happens at the majority of 50th birthday parties. However, he discovered while browsing Instagram this morning that these particular women, even though they knew no more of the words and hit no more of the notes, were in fact the five who originally sang the song. He said: “The act ..read more

FILMS have surpassed books as a medium by so many orders of magnitude it is odd that books even exist, it has been agreed.  Books, which were popular when using your imagination was still powerful enough to sustain major religions, continue to be published even though the only rational reaction to them is ‘Good is it? I’ll watch it when it comes out.’ Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “We shouldn’t give all the credit to films. There’s a lot of excellent prestige TV around as well. “But books? Writing down a story, in words, for the reader to reconstruct in the ..read more

BACK when nu-metal ruled the world you ruled with it, young and rebellious and your baseball cap backwards. Now you’re a dad and these bands are boring old dadrock:  Linkin Park The unbathed look is cool again, like when you were burning CDs from Napster and mixing them at parties. Now you’re finding screamed vocals might suit teens with sweatbands and spiked hair, but today they sound too much like the nine-month-old you’ve only just got to sleep. Blink-182 Dads boast about Tom rejoining even though it makes them even more shit, or Travis Barker’s hip-hop drumming as if he wasn’t just a ..read more

PRAGUE and Amsterdam no fun anymore? Looking for new locations to stagger around hammered before pissing against a historical monument? Try these:  Lourdes If Dublin’s any guide Catholics love a drink, so Lourdes is bound to be chock full of pubs and bars catering to the pilgrims. Start with a pub crawl – vicars-and-nuns outfits optional – followed by a dip in the healing waters to clear your hangover. Like a spa weekend with more prayer. And the Pope famously smokes dope, so he’ll sort you out. Disneyland Paris All stag weekends lead to vomiting. It’s the best part, and downing Jägerbomb ..read more