We hear mixed messages about leaving relationships all the time.  If only you were stronger, you would have left sooner.  If only you were stronger, you would have stayed longer and tried harder.  Weak people focus on themselves too much...and weak people don't focus on themselves and their needs enough. Such messages are unhelpful and often get us nowhere except bogged down in shame and self-doubt. The better path is to focus on what's ahead and to pour our energy into moving forward rather than trying to "if only" the past.  What happened, happened, and that's done.&nbs ..read more

Hypothesis: the heart of so many of the family court’s judgment errors boils down to the emotional illiteracy of the lawyers, judges, therapists, and other paraprofessionals attached to the system.  The family court system is not trauma informed. The judges are not therapists and spend the least amount of time learning about the case out of all the players.  The therapists attached to the system are often opportunists to make matters worse for their own gain.  Facilitators and evaluators make their money off of conflict and refer to their therapist buddies.  Lawyers profit ..read more

Court-ordered coparenting is pretty much doomed to fail when one of the parents is highly narcissistic.  When the courts take a one-size-fits-all approach to coparenting expectations and standards, they end up creating a sure-to-fail situation where everyone involved loses.  That is, everyone except those who directly profit from the increased conflict, legal expenses, and court-ordered therapy work that is generated by trying to force those who are incapable of collaborative parenting into an idealistic coparenting model.   ..read more

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Narcissists seek attention, plain and simple.  They thrive off of baiting others into conflict and needless interactions.  The same generally goes for Borderlines and other various disordered exes. When baiting is an issue (i.e. the narcissist acts out in one of their many attention-seeking ways), the best antidote is to remain deeply focused on your own vision of what you are working to create in your life.  The narcissist seeks to divert your attention away from you own life so they can have your attention for themselves.  Don't give it to them.  ..read more

Child exchanges can be uncomfortable and tense...been there! This episode discusses several potential remedies and rules of thumb for conducting child exchanges with a high-conflict or disordered coparent ..read more

We begin with the principle (the fact) that the narcissist's words and actions are caused by their disorder...not by you.  Their words and actions are disordered, not personal. From there, we focus our attention on the things we love and the things we are creating.  We avoid mantras and affirmations that refer back to the narcissist because such affirmation work to produce more of the same. Instead, we direct ourselves to the things we love about ourselves, our kids, our home, our lives, and the things we are excited about creating ..read more

We do not teach out kids about narcissism, borderline, and other disorders because of their other parent.  We teach them about high-conflict individuals and about the importance of standards and boundaries because those lessons are crucial to a good life.  Whether the other parent is high-conflict or narcissistic or not, it is important to teach our kids about how to handle themselves in a real world that is populated by significant numbers of problematic people ..read more

When we deal with high-conflict and disordered coparents, it is vitally important to document certain things and collect data.  In this episode, I discuss the importance of tracking data to establish patterns for the purpose of not only clarifying those patterns, but to be able to use those patterns as permission to forgive yourself and believe in your own sanity ..read more

Narcissistic coparents, as well as Borderlines and other similarly disordered individuals, have a nasty habit of making up lies, fictitious events, and false allegations. Those of us who have dealt with such people know that there is no end to what they will cook up and pretend to be real. This episode focuses in on getting very clear on the facts, clear on your own character, and discusses the importance of being impeccable with your word.  Once those spaces have been managed, anything that they narcissist can throw at you has been tended by your self-awareness and character.  ..read more