FORMER Tory MP Natalie Elphicke is doing her best to fit in with her new Labour comrades, but struggling to find common ground. These are her openers so far: “Mental health? Lazy, overprivileged little f**ks more like” Beginning with a common-sense criticism of the unmanageable disability benefit bill seemed uncontroversial, but Natalie was surprised to be met by stunned silence. Surely her fellow Labour MPs aren’t falling for the lies of the workshy and their leftie GPs? “A few bullets into the crowd as a warning and that’s the protests over” Moving to pro-Palestine protests should be safer g ..read more

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THE member for Dover has defected from the Conservatives to Labour, but what invaluable secrets does she bring from her former masters?  Lauren Hewitt, nutritionist: “Rishi Sunak’s true height. They’re lying to us with this five-foot-seven bullshit. No way he’s taller than Prince.” Roy Hobbs, fishmonger: “I hope for her sake she’s brought a reason for the people of Dover not to kick her bitch ass out at the next election for five years supporting this shite.” Susan Traherne, spoon vendor: “Could she have a reset code for Britain? Back to factory settings, kind of thing?” Joanna Kramer, ps ..read more

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THE prime minister plans to recover from today’s election results by launching a new pandemic and furloughing everyone. Looking back to the peak of his popularity, Sunak is convinced his proven ability to reward Britain for staying home and doing f**k all will prompt a resurgence in the polls. A Downing Street source said: “He’s sending grassroots volunteers across the world to eat, rub and couple with a range of exotic species to pick up whatever communicable diseases they can. “Then they return home, attend a number of large indoor events  – if Co-op Live’s managed to f**king open by th ..read more

ARE you a Conservative MP worried about job security? Learn how to stand out from millions of other jobseekers desperate for work with this guide. A detailed list of your accomplishments You’ll need to use your imagination and bend the truth a bit for this. In reality you’ve been doing bugger all for the last few years while collecting a paycheck from the taxpayer, but that’s not going to woo potential employers. Instead of writing ‘letting the rivers go to actual shit’, say ‘finding innovative ways to rewild faecal matter’. A professional profile picture Don’t worry about your profile picture ..read more

THE electorate has reassured the Conservatives they would find a change of leader both desperate and hilarious. Following a night of election results as hysterically dreadful as anticipated, the Tories are unsure whether a new leader would help or hurt them electorally, but voters have advised them it would at least be amusing. Nathan Muir of Hereford said: “Sticking with Rishi? Guaranteed loss, no laughs. Panicking, electing a total nutter and falling apart spectacularly? Guaranteed funny as f**k. “Say what you like about Liz Truss, she was comedy gold. Boris was a classic British farce, all ..read more

THE public has been informed that if they stand still and the wind is blowing in the right direction, they will actually be able to hear the Conservative party imploding. Experts say the Tories are expected to perform so badly at today’s local elections that their defeat will be audible with the naked ear, provided atmospheric conditions are right and you take your AirPods out for once. Professor of politics Norman Steele said: “The sound of the Conservatives collapsing is a rare and quite beautiful phenomenon which puts solar eclipses and the aurora borealis to shame. “As comforting as rain d ..read more

LOCAL Conservative councillors have done nothing wrong, so will you vengefully punish them for the sins of the national party in local elections tomorrow?  Eleanor Shaw, charity head: “Sometimes you’ve got to hurt the innocent as a lesson to the guilty, and if the Tories don’t agree they should stop backing Israel.” Martin Bishop, landscaper: “The head of our local Tory council is a lovely, principled man. Abhors immigrants, pro-death penalty for drug offences, hates the poor. But he can’t have my vote because the government’s let him down.” Margaret Gerving, retired headteacher: “If you ..read more

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