But God, who is rich in mercy, because of his great love that he had for us, made us alive with Christ even though we were dead in trespasses. You are saved by grace!  Ephesians 2:4-5 CSB I started my freshman year of high school with no friends, until I met Laura and Sam in PE class. I became fast friends with them, and we were neighbors too, so we hung out together all the time. At some point close to the end of the school year, it felt like Laura was trying to make me more like her–dress like her, act like her, do my hair like her, etc. It was weird, and I called h ..read more

For three and a half months I felt like a balloon had swelled in my belly. Sometimes, sharp jolts would move through my colon and fold me over, my breath catching in my throat and my eyes widening in pain. It was the dead of summer in California’s Central Valley where temps often reach well over 105 degrees . . . and I couldn’t even put on a swimsuit, let alone button my jeans.  Then finally, it had a name: Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS).  If you’ve ever experienced a digestive disorder like IBS, then you know it knocks the breath right out of you. When I’m in a season where I’m exp ..read more

Leah: Hebrew, meaning “weary.” Leah was a weary girlwho seemed to go unloved—sold in marriage by her father andneglected by her lover to beovershadowed by her little sister, left alone with her soft and tender eyes.I am a weary girlwho feels cornered in the shadows—eyes too blurred to see and my dreams dying on the floor beside mewhile hope slips out the door and runslocking me in the shadows.I forget the LORDwho saw this weary girl,who blessed her with a son; who heard the cry of Leahand gave her another one.Six sons God gave herwhen He saw she was neglected—an ancient sign of blessing and h ..read more

My deepest longing and most tender pain point is the desire to be seen. I mean, seen. I want the right people to notice when I’m wearing a mask and that I’m leaking out, even when I don’t realize it myself. I know this longing very well, and yet I still hide myself away behind layers and layers of fig leaves. Why? For a long time, I would have told you it was because I was afraid of others looking upon the most vulnerable parts of me and squashing them; misunderstanding them; using them against me; walking away and leaving me all alone. Or it was because I was afraid of God’s holy light shini ..read more

I tried to put the key in my head to unlock the life I long for. Then someone told me it doesn’t go there but goes right in the middle of my sternum where my heart lives alongside the life of a little girl who used to be curious full of adventure and fearless as she climbed the walls and linen closets of her mother’s house with a Sharpie and Vaseline in hand because she just couldn’t contain the creativity that ballooned in her body — no, it demanded it come out no matter the mess. Then, one day, she changed. Inexplicably and inexpressibly she quit taking ..read more

On the Ferris wheel the day I turned six When I was a little girl and we lived in the Pacific Northwest, my birthday always landed during the state fair. The fairgrounds, which were huge and magical and full of classic autumn nostalgia as the all-day crisp air and orange-tinted sunshine gently whipped the smell of farm animals and candy apples and the music from the carousel around my little body, were just down the street from our house. We’d always go, and it always felt like a built-in celebration, just for me. The year I turned eight or nine, I desperately wanted a pet turtle. We’d moved a ..read more

In my journey of deconstructing my faith and rebuilding it around Christ and historical orthodoxy, I’ve also noticed that there are many in the Christian faith who resist the word or experience of “deconstruction” because of people on the internet who have become anti-God and anti-Christian in their deconstruction. I would argue that, while understandable, we would be wrong to blame deconstruction for the state of these individuals’ faith. As I’ve said, deconstruction is a twofold invitation from God to 1) take apart what we thought was true, and 2) struggle with Him as we allow Him to rebuil ..read more

The following post is the final part of a series describing my story of deconstructing my Christian faith and reconstructing it within orthodoxy rather than choosing to deconvert. Make sure to read up on Part 1 and Part 2 before moving on! Where Else Would I Go? There’s a song by John Mark Pantana that goes like this: I don’t know anything about anything anymore. All I know is You, more than I did before. I had this song on repeat after God exposed me to myself. I really felt like I knew nothing — except I knew Jesus is who He says He is. For a reason I can only explain as a ..read more

I know the love of God the most when it rains. As a little girl in the Pacific Northwest, before I knew about bad things beyond a scraped knee, it rained. It was a consistent rhythm, and I was a sponge for it as the nostalgic walls of childhood innocence were building up deep in the recesses of my memory. Rain promised to wash away gross things, and make plants green, and enable me to make mud pies outside when it finished. When I first came to know those now deep and familiar aches of loneliness or misunderstandings, it rained — and it felt like such a mercy that the outside world could matc ..read more

Joy is Secure, by Katelynn Martin in Tuscany 2023 There’s a piece of scratch paper I have on my fridge with a quote in pencil written in my friend’s handwriting. She wrote this down several years ago in a spur of the moment when she was at my house, and she left it for me. It says this from Oswald Chambers:  My goal is God Himself. Not joy, nor peace. Not even blessing; but Himself, my God. I’ve looked at this piece of scratch paper over and again, not fully understanding the weight of what Chambers meant, but knowing somewhere within me that it was good and true. So, I kept it hanging ..read more