Gentlemen from a variety of Greek houses became incredibly datable Friday night after Dartmouth Residential Operations removed all red flags from their personalities. “I don’t know what it is,” said Margo Robinson ‘24, “but something about campus culture just seemed to change overnight!” Alerted to the flagrant display of character flaws in violation of the Student Handbook’s so-called “Don’t be a Dick Clause,” SNS officers rushed in overnight to take down all red flags without warning. In some cases, they left nothing but a note reading “remove flags.” On Saturday, Dartmouth women noticed the ..read more

Audiences across the world mourned when CBS announced that season 7 of Young Sheldon, which ends on May 16th, will be the last outing for the Big Bang Theory spinoff. How will America survive without seeing Sheldon Cooper on their screens? Thankfully, CBS has just put out a casting call for a Young Sheldon prequel! Does your baby have the wit, acting chops, and misogyny to play Younger Sheldon? According to Young Sheldon showrunner Chuck Lorre, “We recognize that this is a new and progressive era for Hollywood. We believe that our Younger Sheldon can be a baby of any race, size, or religion… a ..read more

Woahhhh did they just hit our last cup?? I’m so off my game tonight arrghgh, I can’t believe it babe!!! Do you know what that means?! Hold on hold on ssshhsh, it’s like this wild thing the brothers do here where we…heheh…take our shirts off when the game gets half-cup half-cup. Craaazzyyy I know. House rules I guess ahahah….right. So I’m just gonna, y’know, take my shirt off now if you don’t mind. With the duuuudes… …Hey, I know you’re just a girl ahaha but you’re, like, totally welcome to do it too. We keep things inclusive around here, y’know? If you want. *heavy breathing* Wait woahhh slow ..read more

The College is excited to announce that a new service will be coming to campus in the spring! You’ve heard of ZipCar, now get ready for Zip Zap Zop Car, named after the popular theater game. The new fleet of seven 2021 orange Kia Souls will be parked conveniently around campus in the existing zip car spots, and not only that, trips will be completely free! You’ll also get to make amazing new friends every time you participate in this involuntary carpool karaoke experience, as four theater kids live in every car and will not leave no matter how many times we ask them to. The only exception is i ..read more

After careful deliberation, Dartmouth administration has decided that all classes and scheduled operations will be put on hold tomorrow. The decision is largely based on tomorrow’s weather forecast, which predicts an inevitable cosmic calamity, the scale of which the universe has never seen before. The College strongly urges all students to keep calm in the face of complete and certain annihilation. In an effort to avoid widespread panic, all dining locations are now offering the Last Meal Special. That way, students can have one last meal before each and every atom of their body is rended apa ..read more

IV Unlimited Plan The IV Unlimited is Dartmouth’s preferred drinking plan. It provides the ultimate in inpatient hospital care, with unlimited access to our flagship medical center, DHMC. Here, students can look forward to the finest in life-saving care, stomach pumping, and IV-transferred fluids. Additionally, your student will receive $250 in “Dying Dollars” per term, accepted at Dick’s House for liquid IV, bandages for drunken falls, and alcoholism counseling services. Your student will never go poisoned on the IV Unlimited plan! Cost per term: $3,378.29 115 Blackout Plan This plan includ ..read more

Addie Perkins, 21, of Rochester, NY, is excited for her birthday party tonight — and even more excited to try alcohol for the first time!  “It feels like all of my friends turned 21, like, sixty years ago,” Perkins said, rolling her eyes. “Whenever we get together, I feel super left-out because they can all drink and I can’t. Now I can join the club!”  On the beverage menu for tonight: Tito’s, Jose Cuervo Marg Mix, and old-fashioneds. “That’s my friend Albert’s favorite drink,” said Perkins, with a devious look in her eye. “My friend Hettie says he really knows how to make a drink th ..read more

Applications for First Year Trips Croo just opened, and it is a highly sought after bunch. Each year, a select group of students take on the task of welcoming the incoming class to our beloved college and all of its quirks. Whether you’re a repeat applicant, croo-curious, or just plain baffled by such an eccentric group, we’re here to pull back the curtain and give an insider’s perspective into what being a croo-ling really means. This is Jack-O, Inside Look. I sat down with ’23+1 Asher Berenson who has served as captain of Hanover Croo — fondly known as H-Croo — for the past three years. Ashe ..read more

6. Wouldn’t it be crazy to like, have Vitamin D in your system? I personally can’t imagine it.  5. Seasonal depression goes so hard when you have a Vitamin D deficiency. I’m all, “ooh sad,” and then I’m all, “womp womp!” 4. I have this really bright light in my room so I can make more Vitamin D. His name is Cornelius and he’s my friend. I get to bask in his light every morning, and in return, he gets to see me naked.  3. All I taste anymore is the cod liver oil I drink eleven times a day to increase my Vitamin D levels. When asked whether I want the hot cup or the cold cup with my Gr ..read more

Campus is abuzz this week with the typical chaos of rush sweeping through. While this is an exciting time for some, the annoyances of computerized algorithms, petty grudges against potential new members, and an overall cutthroat bloodbath mentality make those involved eager to adopt a new system. This is why, for the remainder of this recruitment cycle the ISC has implemented a new “Golden Ticket” system in the hopes of making the process easier and more equitable for PNMs. Instead of the traditional process in which young women must parade from house to house in their best “normal girl” cospl ..read more