AYLMER, ON Area couple Jack and Martha Wiens decided to “get all decked out” and head over to Walmart this afternoon. “It took me a while to figure out which pair of pyjama pants to wear,” said Jack, “but that’s only because I was trying to make sure they matched my Crocs.” Martha, too, picked her baggiest pair of pyjama pants as she schlepped down the aisles of their neighbourhood Walmart. “We don’t go out very often,” said Martha, “but when we do, we try to dress up a little.” The Wiens’s attire was immediately noticed by Walmart staff who, naturally, commended the couple on their fine sense ..read more

STEINBACH, MB Area man Al Dueck, 42, sat down on what he thought was a bus stop on Brandt Street, only to discover that it was merely a bench with no apparent purpose. “Too bad it took me three years to figure it out,” said Dueck. “I thought at first that I just missed the 9 o’clock. But, sadly, that 9 o’clock never came.” After about 35 months, Dueck figured, “Oba, there must be a bus schedule around here somewhere,” but didn’t want to vacate his seat and risk losing his spot in line. “At one point back about 6 months ago I thought the bus had finally arrived,” said Dueck, “but it turned out ..read more

PITTSBURGH, PA Andrea Enns, 18, of North Kildonan was really looking forward to attending CMU in Winnipeg this fall only to discover that she’d actually enrolled at some university in Pennsylvania instead. “I guess it’s off to Pittsburgh for me,” said Enns. “I just hope their Peace and Conflict Transformational Studies program is a good as the one in Winnipeg.” Enns says what most disappoints her about getting into Carnegie Mellon University is the complete lack of Stanley Hauerwas on the syllabi. “And I guess I’ll have to read Donald Kraybill’s Upside Down Kingdom just for fun or something ..read more

STEINBACH, MB With the kids at Oma and Opa’s house for the evening, Allan and Karen Martens were finally able to get some alone time at their local Peavey Mart. “Oh, Allan, you know what I’d like,” said Karen, brushing her finger against his cheek and lowering her voice to a whisper. “Can you take me to – oh I don’t want to say it out loud – Peavey Mart?” Allan was immediately responsive to the seductive request and playfully carried Karen to the Dodge Caravan. “Peavy Mart, here we come,” said Allan. “Oh, I thought you’d never ask.” The two spent hours strolling hand-in-hand past smokers and c ..read more

WINNIPEG, MB There were lines outside Aritzia at Polo Park this week as the store launched its new line of long denim dresses and other products inspired by the plain dress sects of southern Manitoba. “We’re tried of getting our inspiration from the runways of Milan and Paris,” said new Aritzia manager Brittney Klippenstein. “From now on it’s Mennonites, Conservative Baptists, and German Pentecostals.” Hip urban woman have been flocking to Aritiza to get their hands on the long denim skirts, which are priced between $100 and $400 a piece. “These days, everyone wants to look like they’re in som ..read more

ALTONA, MB Local Tupperware rep Anne Barkman has seen such an uptick in demand as of late that the 30-year-old mother-of-6 has decided to expand her line of products. “I was walking through the MCC the day and eureka! I found an affordable new line of products,” said Barkman. “I just know my customers will appreciate the more frugal option.” Barkman stocked up on various plastic receptacles, which she plans to offer at an upcoming party in Susan Peters’s living room this Thursday morning. “It was about time the Tupperware company offered something for folks on a fixed income … and Mennonites ..read more

STEINBACH, MB Area man Kyle Reimer, 23, was spotted at a local jewelry store this week, which sparked several rumours about an upcoming engagement. “Oba, I didn’t even know he was dating anyone,” said Mrs. Brandt. “I guess he and that Klassen girl were closer than I thought.” It didn’t take long and Reimer had a text from his mother wondering why she wasn’t the first one to be told. “Na, junges,” said Mrs. Reimer. “You can’t get a thing like that past me. I’m in tears. When’s the wedding?” Mrs. Reimer had already booked the MB Church basement for a date sometime this July. “Ugh, all I was doin ..read more

EDMONTON, AB Severl “f bombs” and a few “a words” were found in Nlue Lountias fo vina that church librarian Margret Pankrstx finally got around to ready. “This is thro kid. Of language I elect from Miriam but for. Rudy? Oba!” Mrs pankrst is not sure whether to tell the elders or just keep reading becuse she secretly kind of likes it. “Diewel devil shonda. I wa snot exotics this. Ditshcnsd donna “ The post Swear Words Discovered in Rudy Wiebe Novel appeared first on The Unger Review ..read more

ALTONA, MB It’s a race to the top for the Buhlers and Wiebes this week in the annual Grandchildren Sweepstakes. The top prize, which goes to the couple with the most grandchildren, is a weeklong trip to Gretna and their names prominently featured on the bulletin board at the Co-op. “We’ve increased our grandchildren count from 87 to 126 this past year alone,” said Mrs. Buhler. “It’s been a great crop this year.” Close behind the Buhlers are the Wiebes who have 117 grandchildren the last time they counted. “Plus a couple dozen in the oven,” said Mrs. Wiebe. “We may not pass the Buhlers, but we ..read more

LA BROQUERIE, MB Area man Christopher Unrau admitted in a candid interview this week that he met his wife Crystal at the bar on the edge of town back in 1987. “For years we kept this a secret,” said Unrau. “But it’s time for the truth to come out.” The Frantz Motor Inn is just close enough to Steinbach that it can lure all the Mennonites, but also far enough away that the church elders can’t see who’s parked in the lot. “It’s where Steinbachers have been having a few beers and meeting their future spouses for decades,” confessed Unrau. “Of course we tell everyone we met at Penner Foods.” Other ..read more