By: Kirara Sparrow  In a recent announcement, President Holloway announced that all university operations would be suspended until further notice. His speech centered around the newly released game Helldivers 2, referencing a need for all students and faculty to buy and play the game. “Super Earth needs us on the front lines! The Automatons are advancing into our territory, killing civilians, and opposing our very way of life! It is our duty to expand managed democracy to these systems, so download the game and log the fuck on!”  The response to this from Rutgers was one of shock, bu ..read more

Doritos- Holy shit guys, specifically the spicy sweet chili ones. It just tickles something in my brain. The spicy, the sweet, it just works so well.  Milano cookies- In order to balance out the Doritos, you need something sweet. With some ice cream, this shit is top-tier.  Cinnabon Delights from Taco Bell- I just recently discovered this one, but wow… balls that just explode in your mouth. Need I say more?  A nice, warm, penne vodka pizza from Daniel’s- This is just a classic for when you’re drunk and high.  Garlic Knots- Perfect to go with your pizza. Lay’s Poppables- Th ..read more

By: Shoes Canal Everyone loves a good pair of shoes. We as a society have evolved past the caveman thanks to the invention of shoes. It prevents us from getting hookworms, making our feet stink, and teaches us philosophy, religion, math, and evolution (which does not exist). I heard that Jesus could turn leather into shoes as one of his miracles.   However, shoes are not a difficult commodity to acquire. With the woke libs destroying Payless  Shoes, and culturally appropriating Carhartt from the working man, I find it hard to purchase fashionable footwear.  But in our worst ..read more

Tessica Jesticles  To try to compete with the new release of Apple’s Apple Vision Pro, Samsung has released a specialty VR headset which promises to provide a superior immersive experience. The Galaxy Goon was officially unveiled in a social media post featuring a test subject utilizing the headset to its fullest potential. While this guy was straight jackin’ it on stage, test subject S. Mart Man explained his enthusiasm for the new technology. “Now everytime I come home from a hard day of work, I can unwind by locking myself in my Samsung Galaxy Goon Garage, booting up my Samsung Galaxy ..read more

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): You will be topped by a middle-aged man with small hands on Valentine’s Day.  Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): You will be fed liver by your crush.  Gemini (May 21-Jun 20): You will be proven innocent after being accused of stealing my heart.  Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22): Your production of sperm will be exponentially higher on Wednesday.  Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22): Hope for survival when I come for your ass.  Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): Your partner will throw it back with expert precision at your mom’s house.  Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22): Your crush will eat a large por ..read more

By M.D. Phemsell It’s been a while since y’all have last heard from me. I survived an assassination attempt, but that worthless man didn’t know how much spite I had in me. I won, and I live on. It’s Valentine’s Day, I have two hands (keeping it traditional), /r/gonewildaudio, and AO3 with me. Honestly, with the shit I went through recently, I feel like I can tank a broken man. Fix him right up and send him out to the world like Normal SpongeBob. The mental illness would surely cancel out to some extent. Dissenters will say that broken men will make broken lives, but if it’s broken, you gotta f ..read more

By I.C. Upee 1. Are you the state of Mississippi? ‘Cause you’re the only miss whose piss I sippi 2. Your eyes are like beautiful pools. Can I piss in them? 3. You make me feel wet and warm. Just like the piss in my pants 4. Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes and I can’t find the bath- room. 5. Want a raisin? No? How about a bottle of urine? Wait I mean a date. 6. If I were to rearrange the alphabet, I would put U, T, and I together. 7. Ur-ine-all of my dreams 8. Are you a jellyfish sting? Because I have to pee on you. 9. Are you a toilet? Because I feel relief when I’m with yo ..read more

With it being Valentine’s Day (if you’re reading it on the date we published like God intended), it’s a perfect time to talk about love. Actual love is boring, but the love between two fictional characters is interesting. Here are the top fan ships for you to become obsessed with. After reading this article, you’ll run like the wind to look up Rule 34 art of theses pairings:  Sam X Dean from Supernatural Now I haven’t seen Supernatural. But these are two hot, cool guys. Who wouldn’t want them to fuck?  Stuart Little X Ratatouille Ratatouille is waaaay out of Stuart Little’s league. B ..read more

By: James Terri Shortly after its first week of classes for the Spring 2024 semester, Rutgers University President, and unlikely felon (We don’t know for sure), Jonathan Scott Holloway made an announcement at a dinner hosted by the popular artificial intelligence firm OpenAI. The institution would be renaming its most recognizable college from the School of Arts and Sciences (SAS) to simply the School of Sciences (SOS). “Looking at the trends, it simply makes no sense to continue offering an education in the arts.” Holloway explained to the crowd of insufferable tech bros in attendance, many o ..read more

By: Certified Italian Hater Order from Dominos Pizza and moan while eating it. Use jarred marinara sauce. Go to Olive Garden and enjoy the unlimited breadsticks. Vote for Phil Murphy. Punch your relatives when they try to kiss your cheek. Do that tourist pose at the Leaning Tower of Pisa. Drink coffee after noon. Overcook your pasta, fuck al dente, it’s not even English. Moan while eating Hawaiian pizza. Pronounce Gnocchi with a hard G ..read more