“Trudeau to install tampon dispensers–in MEN’S bathrooms” Justin Trudeau’s latest brainstorm: supply all bathrooms in federal public service departments, crown corporations, banks, airports, and train yards with menstrual products ‘regardless of their marked genders.’ These free products are taxpayer-funded. Critics say thar men will bring them home to female partners ..read more

As if to show their appreciation for the no-limit Starbucks gift cards given to them by Governor Hochul, migrants housed in NYC have begun to adorn public buildings with dazzling representations of latte art. Not everyone is impressed, especially BLM members. “Them refried niggas comin’ up here takin’ our buildings ..read more

She jabs her index finger at an app like she’s poking someone in the chest while she’s making a point in an argument. He lays his finger on an app gently, diffidently, as though he’s sorry to have to be the one who wakes it. Can this marriage be saved ..read more

WEST GOSHEN TWP, Pa.–”Screw the pooch”—short for “fuck the dog”— is an expression made popular in Tom Wolfe’s 1979 book about the Mercury space program, The Right Stuff. To screw the pooch is to commit a horribly wrong and embarrassing mistake, one from which there is no recovering. Predictably dogs hate the expression because . . . 1. In real life everybody knows you’re a dog. 2. People are just getting used to the idea of gay marriage. 3. The expression is ass backward, according to all those German shepherds that appear in porn movies. 4. Cats got to choose first, therefore ..read more

Two certain facts about the bible: animals were harmed during its production; cats are not mentioned in it. After shallow consideration, we offer three possible explanations for this oversight:   Even god could not give man dominion over cats.   Cats wanted script approval.   Cats have nine lives, god has only three ..read more

First she helped herself to the food my wife puts out for the fox. Gradually she followed her own plate of cat food until it reached the side porch, then made herself comfortable on the heated chair my wife set up for her. We expect she’ll be adopting us soon.  ..read more

“People are ‘resetting’ their virginity on New Year’s Day” In perhaps the most surprising trend of the New Year, social media users claim that when the clock struck midnight, they became virgins again. “All of our body counts have reset to zero,” rapper Lil Nas X tweeted on New Year’s ..read more

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Someone with the initials B.O., and a hideous birthmark in the  middle of her forehead, seeks spiritual advice. If the I Ching doesn’t provide it, do what all astrologers do when stumped: wave your arms, stand on one foot, and shout, “What the hell do you think I am, psychic?” Libra (9/23 – 10/23): Clothes and garden tools figure prominently in your future. Therefore, we recommend that you purchase our new book, The Seers’ Catalog. It contains dressing and cross-dressing advice and lawn-care techniques that wizards have used to gain wealth and prosperity for centuri ..read more

“Florida woman threatens to kill ex-boyfriend, new girlfriend if they didn’t have Christmas threesome with her” Cynthia Ann Ray, 38, was arrested and charged with one count of aggravated stalking and other offenses. When deputies found Ray, she was inside a tent she had put up on her mother’s property ..read more

(Special to Women & Children Last from the Daily Lack of News) Our culture is obsessed with going the extra mile, giving 110 percent, leaving it all on the field. Supermarkets are open 24/7/365 to satisfy our shopping needs from A-to-Z, while athletes routinely crow about taking their games “to a whole ‘nother level.” In the midst of this maelstrom, like the voice of one hand clapping in the wilderness, stands Phil Maggitti, founder and HMFIC of National Penultimate Day℠. “There’s much to be said for a 23/6 approach to living,” laughs Mr. Maggitti, “allowing for some breathing room in our ..read more