4 months and 12 days... Blogging doesn't come easy.  I have plenty to share but struggle to find the relevance to Him... his journey.  How, in such a short period of time has my world become not connected to the "us" that once was? I suppose the answer is healing.  Continuing to live and move on to the next chapter.  The chapter that will be mine to explore, nurture and develop. It is the natural way of things.  We love, we lose and we move on. One day, that twinge of guilt will subside.  We are not designed to remain in a state of sorrow and despair after tra ..read more

83 days without him. I'm beginning to travel again.  Traveling to places he loved.  Places he always wanted to go. The guilt has lessened as I purposefully take a moment to picture his face in my mind and silently ask him if he is pleased with my new path.  And, to thank him for taking such good care of me, affording me the ability to live this life. I spent a week in North Carolina with my Daughter, Son-in-Love and two glorious granddaughters (6 and 3/12).   Randy's last visit was over 2 years ago and he was on cloud 9 with his girls.  Thankfully we were able to F ..read more

He has been gone 56 days. Such a short period of time.  Feels like an eternity some days. Being his widow brings a morphed form of guilt.   Guilt because I'm living my best life... without him.  It feels like yet another betrayal.  The depths of the unfairness are almost staggering at times. But others... I'm Free. I'm doing what I want, when I want with who I want.  Not answering to anyone.  I'm changing the house, my car, myself.  I've begun a new career.  I'm a girl again.  Not his caretaker or his mother.  Simply a girl.  I've got trip ..read more

No matter what a person goes through or how old they get, it never ceases to amaze me how many still live their lives in a high school drama holding pattern. I suppose, for some, it is easier to play the victim rather than owning their shortcomings. I've spent the last 5 years caring for my husband.  Living the beauty and tragedy of it all.  Trying to give him the best final years of his life. The last 12 months I had gone so far as to announce publicly that those who wanted to see Randy were welcome....on more than one occasion.  Our door was always open.  Even apologi ..read more

 28 days.... He has been gone 28 days and I don't know how I feel.  Don't know how I  should be feeling. Widowed... Can't begin to wrap my brain around what this means, What this is,  What this says about me. I've been grieving for well over 3 years.  Grieving as the love I married drifted away and was replaced by a love requiring maternal protection. I have moments.  Moments where his absence brings me sadness.  Where his empty side of the bed provokes anger.  Where I plan for a future he never gets to see and the weight of how wrong that is almost swal ..read more

4AM on the eve of the day we will put Randy to rest next to his Mother. I am still in shock that we are here. That he is gone from our lives.   From this world. It is so wrong. In the span of 6 days, we went from believing we had 12 months, to a couple of weeks, to a few hours. Did we say goodbye enough?  Did he feel the love that surrounded him as he left this world? I pray his Mother's face was the first beautiful sight he saw as he entered those pearly gates. While these things plague my mind, I am grateful that his passing was peaceful. Randy never felt pain or physical il ..read more

Randy left this earth peacefully yesterday, March 29th, 2023 surrounded by love. I'm plagued with anger that the life of someone so wonderful ended so tragically.  And for nothing. He deserved so much more than this life afforded him. 5 years of tears, sorrow, joy and memories on his Alzheimer's journey.  5 years of being solely responsible for this person.  5 years of truly believing that no one else was capable of taking care of this man in the manner he deserved. Allowing his body to be removed from his home.. from my care... was one of the most difficult surrenders I hav ..read more

Hospital bed arrived Friday.  I cried. Discontinued all current meds and transitioned to comfort care meds only.  I cried. He refused food and water all day Saturday.  Minimal ingestion yesterday and today. He has to be moved every 2 hours, around the clock, going forward, to avoid bedsores. How are we here already?  He ate a full meal, on his own, just 4 days ago. I'm torn between hoping that this is truly how easily his suffering will end.  In disbelief that he will not have to endure all of the pain and trials that most patients face. Yet grieving that his lif ..read more

I wish I knew what goes through his mind.  All the endless hours of staring blankly into space and the shuffled pacing through the house. What is he searching for?  Where is he trying to go? I pray he has a goal or destination in mind.  To think he doesn't know, saddens me.  How terrifying that must be.  To merely exist with no known purpose. What a blessing it is that I still have the ability to make him feel safe.  It is so reminiscent of motherhood.  Soothing away the bad dreams or vanquishing the monsters under the bed. Randy is still mobile and able ..read more

**lengthy blog My mother aptly chose the topic and title for this one.  Disclaimer..she is also responsible for my ability to find humor in the oddest of places. For some unknown reason, Randy fights Mom when she tries to administer his medication.  Whether it be verbal refusal or locking his jaw and pursing his lips, he usually renders her defeated. He has recently become unable to swallow his pills, requiring them to be crushed and mixed into liquids.  Even in this form, he makes her work for success.   Last night, as I was out for a bit, Mom was on med duty.  Af ..read more