Podcast 3: Big up the women So much more practical in finding solutions. Teach us please ladies. We need you.  Us men have become emasculated by a society. What does masculinity mean? Aren’t there two roles – Masculinity & Femininity? Aren’t they different? Don’t they complement each other, to create a balanced society? Too simplistic Gary? We need someone in our life to role-model the sexual type that belongs to each of us. Without it, so many are floundering on the high seas, trying to do the best with the best that they have been handed.  “Life isn’t fair” - I decided, long a ..read more

Impediments to having great relationships  Disruption in the bonding in early childhood development with the significant caregivers (usually parents), is a key factor. The male (a father) plays a very important role. Masculinity cannot be supplemented by a mother. It is not "do as I say", it is "do as you see me doing". The eyes take in the largest amount of information during the communication process. What gets set up in childhood, plays out in adulthood, in how we interact with others; seeking to bond, yet avoid repeat hurt. It is called Insecure Attachment. Insecure Attachment in Adul ..read more

What is Man-ness? There is still a caveman instinct inside of us as men. Has the image got distorted as men try to metamorphize ourselves to fit what society tells us a man should be. Trying to fit what we are really not, is hard work. At some point there may be an increased desire to self-soothe and escape into cyberworld for a while – using sex, porn and/or other compulsive behaviours. Consider this poem: Children Learn What They Live by Dorothy Law Nolte If a child lives with criticism, he [she] learns to condemn. If a child lives with hostility, he [she] learns to fight. If a child lives w ..read more

Root causes of negative impact on the brain, to cause it to gravitate to self-soothing behaviours? What do you think were the issues which caused your brain to gravitate to self-soothing from those negative impactful behaviours, during those early developing younger years of life (often before puberty)? Bullying, abuse, sexual abuse, parents arguing, witnessing domestic violence, over zealous punishment, comparison with a sibling, never good enough, not fit in, ostracised, parents’ separation and/or divorce, pressure to perform at school, witnessing assaults, fear for safety of self-and/or oth ..read more

This Insecure Attachment thing, has a lot to answer….. Stuff set up in childhood development, has its tentacles in how we are doing our adult lives and relationships. Picture the image of a “Russian Doll”; the layers of the Russian Doll has the smallest version deep inside. That represents the Inner child. Stand up the real you. Which one will stand up? Which one is the real you? The Inner child is deep in the layers seeking protection from ever getting hurt again; because of what the brain is carrying from childhood experiences; things that hurt it; things not in the conscious and so things t ..read more

Don't think about having truly achieved sobriety until one year from the last acting out. “A bit arbitrary Gary. Rather too long, don’t you think?” My reply is that the compulsive and addiction behaviours usually have a few decades start on you. In other words, many clients have been doing the behaviours for decades – often since childhood development. A habit; a hamster wheel behaviour pattern; otherwise more therapeutically called a neural pathway - is well established.  It is not going to be possible to wean your brain – your physiology - off the biochemical fix of Dopamine, Oxytocin ..read more

Getting help is not a sign of weakness. Repeated Negative patterns of behaviours, give a glimpse of a problem. I take me into the relationship and is me being me, doing life how I do life – “What’s the problem?”; the problem must be you. There is no problem if there is no problem; but when you know there is a problem – because life just is not working well for you - then you need to lift your head up and acknowledge that you may need a third party (a Therapist) to come alongside you. Do it – even whilst kicking and screaming and your finger nails are leaving marks in the carpet as you are drag ..read more

Seriously!! The highest download of porn during the day is between the hours of 9am and 5pm. (Let me spell it out -- OFFICE HOURS!) “That’s crazy!” Not so crazy for some. The brain has decided that the “Feeling-state” that it gets from the behaviour ie the lushness, is worth the massively high risk and trade-off. As human-beings, we tend to push the boundaries too far and a hand grenade explores, leaving us fire-fighting and picking up shrapnel.  What massive risks? The Feeling-state that was set up many years before, is ruling the day. It thinks the risk is worth-while. But remember, by ..read more

More about this thing called “Love Addiction”. What is it? What it is not. “Push you Pull me” is at work. “I want you, I love you…..but you're getting too close; you might finish with me, so I am getting jittery and so I am going to push you away, so I force us to end, so you don’t finish with me when I was not expecting it; that must never happen and catch me off guard”. Here is my definition of Sex Addiction which I use: "A pattern of sexual behaviours which pre-occupy your thoughts and are out of control. You cannot stay stopped for a sustainable period or consistently and it has harmful co ..read more

Defining the difference between Sex addiction & Love addiction: Love addiction is all about trying to getting attention and a sense of feeling wanted, even if the attention is being paid for – since any attention is better than no attention. It has its roots in childhood development causing Insecure Attachment; a sense of rejection and loss – due to a disruption in the early years bonding with key parental figures. So, there is a searching out, using such activities as dating sites, chat sites, web cam interaction and other methods of interacting with others, to give a temporary sense of b ..read more