I get it that it's maybe embarrassing to talk with someone like me about the most intimate aspects of your relationship. Unfortunately, couples' counselors seldom discuss specific sexual concerns during their sessions. A sex specialist like me is uniquely qualified to help couples feel way less awkward than they might imagine they'd feel. So, what happens? I can only tell you what might happen in my personal practice. In my world, you'd start with an assessment experience (4 easy private conversations - clothes on - nothing weird) either in my office or on Zoom. I call that ..read more

Trauma is widespread. ​ It’s in you. In your history. It’s in mine. Even though trauma isn’t our fault, our response often includes self shaming reactions to whatever happened. Recently, I shared that I am now offering hypnosis to select couples and individuals seeking to address issues like low desire or sexual aversion. Therapeutic hypnosis, while increasingly recognized as a valuable tool in mental health and personal development, still carries misconceptions. Let’s address some of them. 1. Loss of Control: Many people believe that under hypnosis, they will lose control of their thoughts ..read more

I adore blue skies, dry weather and heat. And that’s why I’m not complaining about the hour that most of us “lost” in the United States on Sunday morning due to the dreaded daylight saving time. It’s inconvenient, it disrupts our circadian rhythm, and it’s even a controversial news item (what isn’t controversial these days, right?)  It’s also a subtle nudge that brighter days are ahead. As the sun lingers a bit longer each day, we find ourselves drawn outdoors, savoring simple pleasures and cherished moments with loved ones. This past weekend Jim and I took advantage of the break in the ..read more

It had been cold - not just outside their house in Central Oregon, but cold inside their personal lives - their relationship. It seemed like forever since anything warm happened in the kitchen - let alone in the bedroom. ​ ME: So, how long’s it been since the two of you were intimate? HIM: Intimate? Do you mean hugging or holding hands? Kissing? Sex? ME: Any of that.  How long’s it been since you were affectionate together? HIM: To be honest, I can’t remember the last time we actually touched each other at all. ME: That’s too bad. How do you feel about that? HIM: It makes me sad to ..read more

It’s tough to be naked. Particularly in front of your classmates or colleagues. You may have read my previous blog post about doing The Mirror Exercise when I was in graduate school. The Mirror Exercise is a confronting group experience where each person in a mixed gender group of sexologists is invited to disrobe piece by piece while looking into a mirror and saying out loud the words that come to mind - speaking the negative (and sometimes positive) self talk that emerges unwelcomed from the mind about the body. ​ I did The Mirror Exercise again recently. This time, I was a participa ..read more

Every day I talk with couples who are struggling with how to stay connected sexually. Sometimes, it’s been weeks, months or even years since they were physically intimate. I get it. They’re not on the same page about physical touch, affection or sex. One of them wonders why anyone could care that much about sex. The other can’t imagine how their partner can live without intimate physical connection. They’re at the absolute ends of a libido spectrum. It seems impossible for them to change. Honestly, it is impossible without help.  They need my support - or the support of another sex pos ..read more

Maybe last week you read my email about that adorable little old lady who came into the office ready to have sex again. At 81 years old, she’d lost her dentures and used a cane to get around, but sex was still on her mind.  That little lady is my hero. Not because sex is required for people in their 80’s, but because she’d identified her desire and reached out to me for help. If you missed my post, check it out here.   Every week in my office or on a virtual coffee chat, I talk to women who’re struggling with their sexuality. Most of them are decades younger than that d ..read more

An 81 year old woman walked into my office recently. Her primary care doctor sent her to me. The driver from assisted living drove her. She wore a shampoo and set hairdo, a perfectly pressed cardigan with sensible shoes and walked with a cane. She didn’t have any teeth - couldn’t find her dentures that morning. ​She had that endearing way of talking. Too much gum. Not enough teeth.  I saw my future - a little old lady who somehow couldn’t find her teeth. In the sex coach’s office at 80+ years old.  ​ If you know me personally, you know that I tend to have trouble keeping track of ..read more

One night soon after they started dating, she told her friends at Book Club that she’d won the multimillion dollar “Powerball of Cock”. There was something about her new bf’s body (and what he did with it) that drove her wild in the bedroom. The act of intercourse wasn’t usually her thing, but with this guy it was different. He was all that and a bag of chips.  The morning after Book Club, she was a little embarrassed about how much she’d divulged. When it came to sex, she wasn’t the biggest talker in the room. But, Book Club was a place for secrets.  The next month, her Book Club ..read more

 They’d been married over 10 years at this point – a beautiful couple with 2 darling kids, an eight-year-old boy who lived to play Minecraft and a girl in kindergarten who couldn’t wait to get outside to the creek when she woke up in the morning. They knew they were very lucky to have such a darling family and they were grateful. They were great parents who worked hard – at their respective jobs, doing all the house stuff, grilling the kids on their spelling words and raising money for the PTO.   They’d met through friends, which was odd because nobody else met that way anymore. Th ..read more