The Dalai Lama defined compassion as “the wish that all sentient beings be free of suffering.” He did not say “free of pain”. Pain is an inevitable truth of life.  Suffering is magnified pain, and this is something I expand on in another post. Compassion doesn’t seek to fix pain; it doesn’t seek to chase pain away, but rather to sit with pain, hold it’s hand, and listen to the important messages it has come to communicate. Loving-kindness wishes others, and ourselves, good things like happiness, safety, peace, and so on.  Compassion also wishes well, but it concerns itself specifica ..read more

The Japanese traditional art of Kintsugi is about accepting—even loving and celebrating—broken things.  There is no attempt to make the thing like-new.  A crack in a wall is not smoothed over and painted.  A fractured pot is not discarded and replaced.  Cracks are filled with something beautiful, sometimes even shining silver or gold.  This is not idealism.  This is something simultaneously uglier and more beautiful than the ideal.  It is realism. We are born with some degree of idealism, and when we scroll for hours a day, for years, through online edited p ..read more

Most of us have grown up hearing that mature people control their emotions, that brave people have “no fear,” that there is such a thing as being “too sensitive,” and that it is not only possible but good to “let go” of difficult experiences. Messages like these encourage us to find ways of detaching from our feelings and dampening our receptivity to pain. Feeling pain deeply when we aren’t mindful can lead us to reactivity. When we feel difficult emotions, we might show vulnerability to people who do not respect vulnerability, or we might treat others poorly. Everyone has their own set ..read more

Does self-compassion boost self-esteem?  Does the practice of self-compassion help us cultivate “healthy narcissism”? I read claims that the answer to both questions is “yes” in an article a few days ago, and it got me thinking about some of the reasons I feel so drawn to self-compassion as a personal practice and as a public good. When I was growing up, self-esteem was touted as a very important thing. I remember a lecture about it in my 4th grade classroom from a special guest teacher.  I remember being coached to consider what qualities made me special, and what activities I exce ..read more

Most of my life, I felt at the mercy of others when it came to getting my emotional needs met. I needed a good listener who didn't offer advice.  I needed someone who would validate my feelings, assure me that I had a grasp on reality, and show me that I was worth connecting with when I was down. Everyone should have that kind of support. In my ideal world, we would all support the people close to us like that.  But to rely on others for that kind of support may be unrealistic. I resented my romantic partners for being unable to meet my needs when I was down.  I tried to lower ..read more

When my young child is experiencing painful emotions, I can always help him by validating his feelings. It doesn’t tend to help when someone tells him that his difficult emotions are not justified by external circumstances.  When he is told something like “that’s not what she meant”, or “it’s just a little scratch”, or “you’re okay”, he may even become more upset. When he is having a difficulty, I might kneel down next to him and say, very gently, “Oh, honey, you are feeling sad and jealous.  This happens to everyone and it’s really hard.  I love you.”  And he melts.   ..read more

Shinzen Young, an American mindfulness teacher, has said that suffering equals pain multiplied by resistance.  For anyone aiming to reduce suffering in this world, that equation can be very helpful.  Pain is an inevitable part of life.  Suffering is simply pain speaking more loudly because it has been pushed out of the conscious mind before being heard out.  Most of the time as adults we are able to make space in our consciousness to feel our pain if we choose.  And choosing to feel our pain when it occurs means we are not resisting it.  By not resisting it ..read more

I regularly think about how my practice of self-compassion resembles what I do in the kitchen.  Cooking and self-compassion are art forms.  Mindfulness, experience, imagination, and flexibility are as useful in the kitchen as they are in emotional life. Mindfulness of the senses enables me to taste how flavors combine, to feel textures with my hands and mouth, to smell aromas, and to see how various colors and shapes interact.  From time to time, the ability to hear the smoke alarm comes in handy too.  For self-compassion, I need mindfulness of the senses to perceive and e ..read more