You may have a therapist who will ask you this, whether in group therapy or individual therapy. The idea is that what you feel towards your therapist will be related to the other issues you’re working on. How does that work? Let’s say you just had a date with a new guy and it went well. You want to tell your therapist about it but something makes you hesitant. Your therapist senses this and asks what you’re feeling toward him. Nothing, you think at first. Then you get in touch with more. Nervous. Anxious. You might say something that will ruin my memory of this date. You’ll tell me I’m naive ..read more

For many years I’ve studied and been inspired by the Feldenkrais Method. I recommend it to everyone with any kind of body issue or developmental delay. You’ll hear a Feldenkrais practitioner say over and over again, “go slowly, do what’s easy.” Our bodies heal and develop more gracefully if we playfully explore within the range of what is pleasurable and easy, than when we’re tense and straining. Applying this idea to group therapy, many times people think they need to be a certain way in group. If they’re usually quiet, they try to talk more. If they’re usually talkative, they try to speak l ..read more

Betty Joseph, a prominent Kleinian psychoanalyst wrote a book called “Psychic Equilibrium and Psychic Change.” She described how we all crave the familiar and resist disruption of our accustomed ways of thinking and feeling. Like the addict who works up the courage to attend an AA meeting, but stops before entering the room, often people reach out for therapy because they’re momentarily excited by some way they could be different, but then the fear of change resurfaces and they cancel before the initial sesion. Once someone actually makes it to session, it’s the responsibility of the therapis ..read more

Hyman Spotnitz, a prominent contributor to the theory of Modern Psychoanalysis, writes about the “objectification of the ego.” What he is referring to is the need of most of us to project onto others the unresolved feelings we have about our earliest caregivers—usually our parents. What unresolved feelings? The basic premise of Moderan Analysis is that mental illness is aggression turned inward. To the degree that it wasn’t safe for us to express negative feelings to our parents, we attack our own mind instead, creating neurotic habits, addictive/depressive tendencies and in extreme circumstan ..read more

As I sat down to write, appreciating that it's Independence Day tomorrow, I wondered about what independence means for me. We're all subject to forces that are more powerful than we are. Sometimes we come up against these forces in the culture that we swim in. But we are constantly negotiating with the dark subterranean forces of our own psyches. These are the instincts and impulses that operate beneath our awareness. A painting I made depicting the ego confronting the larger force in the psyche, the complex. When we enter a new situation, we assess the environment—who here is most likely to ..read more

The prophet in the cult says “Keep Sweet!” meaning suppress all negative emotion. Hyman Spotnitz, the grandfather of Modern Psychoanalytic Group Therapy believed that mental illness is primarily caused by unexpressed aggression. When we’re not allowed to express our frustration, disappointment, anger, sadness and hate towards our earliest caregivers, we instead direct that energy towards our own mind. If it’s not safe to hate our parents, we’re left no choice but to hate part of ourselves and to try to eliminate those hateful parts. This takes enormous energy, as we are at war with the instin ..read more

Richard Schwartz, PhD. and Tom Holmes PhD. popularized the Jungian idea that our inner world is comprised of a whole panagerie of different characters. Inside each of us lives in some degree every quality that a human being could possess. We have inner murderers, rapists, tyrants, terrorists, heroes, sages, saints, and everything in between. These inner characters are constantly interacting with each other, fighting for expression and influence in our lives. One way therapy helps us is by illuminating this inner drama. Our dreams give us a snapshot of the psychic landscape. Our defensive pa ..read more

In the beginning of psychoanalysis, Freud encouraged his patients to “say anything.” This invitation quickly reveals the resistances and inhibitions we have to doing this. There are many things we don’t want to say and can’t say even if we wished to. There are thoughts and feelings that are unacceptable to us, that we can’t even allow ourselves to think and feel. Whatever we can tolerate knowing about ourselves is further censored by our fear of sharing it. “So say whatever goes through your mind. Act as though, for instance, you were a traveller sitting next to the window of a railway carria ..read more

One of the key moments of the celebration of the Jewish High Holy Days is the annulment of vows. It was assumed that people made all kinds of vows that they then forgot about or were unable to uphold. Since these unfulfilled vows were the equivalent to “taking the Lord’s name in vain,” annuling them was a big deal. I was thinking about this as I watched Blue Valentine, a poignant story about Cindy and Dean, who create a family together and then struggle in their relationship. Their vow of marriage is tested, but that in and of itself isn’t news. Isn’t every marriage vow tested at times? What ..read more

I had a dream this morning that I was training as Wendy Rhoades’ apprentice. Wendy Rhoades is the therapist turned performance coach for the multi-billion dollar hedge fund, Axe Capital. I was thrilled to be her protege. Often people dismiss their dreams as just the mental composting of whatever show they watched the night before. If you’re not in the habit of taking your dreams seriously, this is an easy attitude to assume. As I sat with the images of the dream, I noticed my ambition. Wouldn’t it be thrilling to be the consultant for ultra-high net worth individuals? What a wonderful fantasy ..read more